To little Too late

[2little2late]

At least that's what my wife told me. I am 49 and my wife is 40. We have been married for 14 years with a 9 year old daughter. About a year 1/2 ago we had an argument that pushed her over the edge. Since then we have had no intimacy at all. No holding hands. No kisses. No sex. Barely a hug. She finally told me she wanted to separate 6 months ago. She said that she had emotionally left our marriage a long time ago. I think because of our daughter (9), she never left or pushed me out.
To each other on a daily basis we are like a happy married couple. Day to day life we laugh and go out, have fun with friends and family but deep down she has resentment and feels that because of me she has missed out on life. She would say that we feel like roommates but like most males I could not understand the message she was sending me because I can’t read between the lines. I took her for granted that I would always have her and it was just our stress that was causing doubt.
There always seems to be a final straw though and I am good at finding it. She and I both work a lot and have a mountain of bills but in my mind I always tried to tell her that she was beautiful and I love her but that wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She wanted me to show her. I have made all of the classic mistakes, not trying hard enough to be romantic, becoming distant. I had become someone completely different than the man she once loved and loved her back. After months of trying to convince her to think my way I guess that I have given up. Now after all of my failures and her resolve I have told my wife that I hear in voice and see in her Eyes that she is serious about this and won't change. During our last argument of trying to convince her to just try to save our marriage I broke down in my daughter’s bedroom at the thought of the pain we are about to cause her. She is a sweet and innocent girl and I would give my life for her in an instant so I gave up the fight and gave into my wife’s request.
I told her that I would not try and change her mind anymore and she had won. I was done. My concern was now for our daughter and keeping up the charade of happy parents. Hell I have been living without intimacy for almost 2 years now that the hardest part was acceptance. Now that I have accepted this I have emotionally tried to start checking out of our relationship.

I have been married before and have fallen out of love and back in love with the same person so I always seem to have some sense of hope but my wife is stubborn and I don’t know if she will budge. She has her cake and is eating it to. I work out of town but we still act like a happy family on the weekends.

What advice can you give me…Yeah right. Good luck!

[KarenR]

Now that you found us, you are probably reading articles about 'what you shouldn't do' and like most folks learn, the begging, pleading, rationalizing etc. don't work. Before you give in, please learn how you could approach her in a way that can open her heart and allow you to work on saving the marriage. A DB coach will guide you every step of the way and you will have a plan that could stop this 'run away train'...Please don't leave any stone unturned and call to talk to a coach, it could make all the difference on the outcome. Take good care.

[DigDeeper]

Hi sorry to hear about your stitch. What ur you need to do now is to get a life and read sandi rule if you haven't. Most importantly have you read dB or Dr?

[2little2late]

Well here is the kicker. My wife can be very vague sometimes. She has never come straight out and said "I Want A Divorce". She has said that she is not in love with me. She has said that she wants to separate but since I am working out of town except weekends, so we really aren't. Considering how serious I feel she is since I have done all the trying to convince her to think my way and in the end she said that she is done trying and doesn't want to work on our marriage. she wants to live life before it is too late.

My question is... should I assume she is serious and confirm that this is what we are doing or should I not ask and do nothing but do "Sandi2's" 37 rules.

[lost_hope]

I agree with DigDeeper. I'm not a vet so I hope I'm not being inappropriate by responding but start with the 180 rules/sandi rules and def read DB and/or DR. I think I tried to just dive into the board but it's worth it to put in some work reading and understanding the principles first. I am actually doing that now, while still journaling on the board. One other thing you will find is that you're moderated quite a bit in the beginning. The advice I was given was to post often in the your own thread (even if it's just to vent) and that will aid you getting off moderation. So in the beginning your posts will take a while to appear and may take awhile to be answered.

As I'm learning on here it's not that the DB techniques will make your wife come back to you, though that is possible. But mostly it's about you and what you will need to do anyway even if your wife doesn't come back. It's what you will need to do to move on with your life even if your wife does not come back. Overall you have to be the husband only a fool would leave. It's not always easy, actually sometimes it's so hard. You want to cry but you have to fake a smile. You want to beg and plead, but you have to listen and validate. You want to point out the good times, but you have to let all talks of the way things were AND the future go ... unless she wants to talk about it.

I also think it's a lot about introspection. As LBSs it may seem like we always have cause to be righteously indignant. After all it's not us that wants to leave our families and marriages. It's those bad WASs right? Well we have to listen to what they're saying as well. My H has given me some valid complaints and I am actively trying to work on those.

The last thing I will say is that unless your W is a complete narcissist I've learned that WAS are often in as much pain as we are. They may not be going about in a way we appreciate or expect but they're going through pain and turmoil as well.

I wish you luck in your situation and sorry you are going through this.

[2little2late]

Well right now my wife seems so serious that I have no choice than to go along with her wishes for our daughters sake.

[2little2late]

I own the book and have been reading it but I am confused. We have a daughter together. I have to call to speak to her. My daughter was away with her grand parents this week. What do I say when my wife asks why I haven't called?

[AnotherStander]

I own the book and have been reading it but I am confused. We have a daughter together. I have to call to speak to her. My daughter was away with her grand parents this week. What do I say when my wife asks why I haven't called?

A lot of people get confused about "going dark". It doesn't apply to children. We often say here that if you have kids you don't "go dark", you "go dim". That means you still talk to your wife about issues regarding your D, and it's OK to call W if your intent is to talk to D. You just don't initiate any other conversations with your W.

Have you read 5 Love Languages? Whenever I hear a story like yours where there hasn't been intimacy for quite some time it always makes me think of that book. It talks about how spouses get in a situation where both of their "love tanks" are empty, but both of them are sitting around waiting for the other to come fill their love tank so they'll feel "in love" again. So they both sit there and do nothing, wondering where the love has gone and why their spouse doesn't do anything about it. The premise of 5LL is that one spouse (YOU) has to break the cycle and DO SOMETHING. Read the book, there are some interesting success stories in it.

Unfortunately most people who come here are too late in their sitch to implement much of 5LL, but there are still some 5LL techniques that can be used even with a WAS.

[DigDeeper]

Unfortunately most people who come here are too late in their sitch to implement much of 5LL, but there are still some 5LL techniques that can be used even with a WAS.

Hi AS,

Will you be able to elaborate on this sentence? I not too sure how to apply this at this moment in time.

[2little2late]

Here is the other interesting thing. Because I am working 4 hours away I come home on the weekends so we can be a normal family for her. Our daughter is the most important thing to us so we are keeping this dance up for now. Is this crazy or am I just screwed because of my particular situation