That was a good response to W. there is no downside to trying to repay your loans, even a dollar at a time if you're broke. Dont make excuses anymore. You will gain respect of your creditor, yourself, and who knows maybe your w too.
The fact that it was the topic of a rare email means that debt is relevant to her opinion of you. So, good job! Back up your words with actions.
Do not rely on family for being a go-between or confidant. This keeps you focused on the wrong side of the equation. For now, try to detach and focus on you. Let w be lonely or whatever all by herself, dont think about it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
thanks adinva, well put. Like so many others it's such a struggle getting past your own feelings to deal with this as one should while DBing. And so far the waiting for the S to iniate contact has shown how well it works. Trying180 was spot on about that also.I just need to keep applying all that is being said to me and reading the DR book. This is hard stuff to deal with when it so directly affects your day to day life. Think I woud rather have a tooth pulled without novacaine...
This is where the roller coaster starts. You start 180ing, W gets more friendly, you get more friendly, W backs away, you back away. At this point it does seem that W is starting to get closer for you, but your response is very important. It's important you take this as babysteps and not R. There's still a looooooong way to go yet Well here in the UK we're having a heatwave, so any jobs needing to do around the house are forgotten about for the time being. I feel like a snail at the moment, moving slowly around and not getting much done. We Brits can't cope with the extreme weather as we're not used to it, lol. That's why when we go abroad, you can tell who's British as they are normally lobster coloured
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Remember though trying180 my sitch is really hard because she is so far away, 900 miles. Which means we dont see each other at all. So its going to be difficult to show her 180. But as you said she would at some point start initiating contact and indeed she has. I dont know if it means anything but I guess time will tell. And because she has her own place and even a parttime job it may be next to impossible to have any get back together break throughs which is really what LBS's are hopeful for. It's good you get to see your WAS I think that gives a real advantage to showing the 180. And I wish you all the best in your efforts.Your H just may be on his way back to you but I also understand it's anyone's guess. I plan on writing here for the forseeable future and hopefully there will be something to add to DBing when such a distance is betwwen the two spouses.
I know that your W is far away 2old, but there may come a time when she might want to visit you. Always be prepared for this at the back of your mind. I read somewhere that you also need to get the house ready for their return if this ever takes place. Thanks for the good wishes. It is hard to tell with the WAS what they are intending to do. I do need to turn it up a notch though as my 180s don't seem to be having the desired effect. I think my H actually likes this no contact, lol. Mind you I did initiate contact with him on 2 occasions this week, well we can't all be perfect Both times he didn't answer his phone straight away, but then he leaves it in his car when he's working or drains the battery. He always rings back though, sometimes he'll ring back late at night when I've gone to bed and I stick the phone on vibrate then. Now next week will be interesting as my son goes away for the week. He's got no reason to ring, so let's see if he will do. I'll keep you posted on that one I thought as my son is away I'm going to be having a quiet week, no chance! lol. My H even said what am I going to do with myself whilst my son is away, I said I'm sure I'll find something to do! Well if he rings next week, I'll be out! lol.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Hmmm, I guess that is possible W wanting to visit and yet it maybe not. My W's daughter (who lives even further away from her Mom than I do)spoke with me yesterday and felt like she is lonely at the moment. The family there has there day to day activities and trips etc. I realize this shouldn't matter to what I am to be doing at the moment but it is difficult knowing that I can't iniate contact with her and keeping things at a stalemate. Trying180 its good you can contact your H without him running away further. Right now I am fighting every temptation to not contact my W. I undersatnd I shouldn't but it is sooo difficult not to.
It is good in a way that I can contact my H, but it has taken a while to reach this point. The thing is that I fight every temptation not to contact him, but sometimes I'm not strong enough. You are doing really well, keep up the good work As someone quoted on another forum I go to - the road to R is just as difficult as R itself That is so true!
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Well, all remains quiet. No new contact from the W. Still going about my business. a little better as each day passes but there still comes that ache which sometimes catches you off guard. Might be that the 2 emails from her were nothing more than informational ones. Although most ppl keep telling me the first one she initiated giving me her new phone number is still very strange. Everyone agrees that it didn't make sense to provide me her new number since there has been no phone calls between us. Someone actually suggested it may simply of been a moment of weakness and she felt whatever to email me. I just dont know. Then the very next night to use the term we 3 times regarding some monies we owe. two contacts she initiated on back to back nights after nothing like that from her since this began almost three months ago....
That is waaaaay too much analyzing. You are obsessing. That's not healthy for you, and also, you have seen already that backing off and letting her have space had a positive effect for you. So try to get your focus back on you. One way to help yourself do that is to not discuss with other people things like whether or not it's strange that she gave you her phone number.
Sit back, let her reach out to you, and show a positive mental attitude that you will miss her but will be just FINE without her and she can have all the space she needs to figure out what she needs.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
That is waaaaay too much analyzing. You are obsessing. That's not healthy for you, and also, you have seen already that backing off and letting her have space had a positive effect for you. So try to get your focus back on you. One way to help yourself do that is to not discuss with other people things like whether or not it's strange that she gave you her phone number.
Sit back, let her reach out to you, and show a positive mental attitude that you will miss her but will be just FINE without her and she can have all the space she needs to figure out what she needs.
I agree with everything you say A If you carry on analysing and talking about her everytime you see your friends then they will eventually get fed up of this and will try and avoid you. This happened to me at the start when my H first left me and also the reverse happened to me when I gave up on a friend because she was obsessing about her H. It was just too much for me, I'm already going through a lot and I didn't want someone who wanted a one sided conversation - i.e. me, me and me. Come on the board and vent away. This is what gets me away from talking to friends about it, by venting on the board. If your friends ask you about your W, be brief. Don't bring up the conversation about her, let them bring it up. I had a friend ask me the other week how's things with me and H, I said well he's still gone if that's what you mean. She said would you have him back and I said I suppose so. She then said it's not fair is it and I said no it's not. That was the end of the chat about H. I've actually started feeling uncomfortable talking about him. Are you seeing an IC? If not then maybe you could see one, that's another person that could give you the answers you are looking for and you can vent away at her.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
