Trying to be faithful to my promise to keep posting the full story no matter the outcome. Maybe this will help someone who is going through the same thing. It has been 10 months now. My 180's stuck and became something I do for me, but she is so completely out of my life that they have no impact on our relationship or lack thereof. She picks up and drops off the dog on weekends. I don't know if she is still carrying on her affair or not, I don't know how she feels about anything at this point. We don't communicate at all.
Therapy has helped me work toward forgiving her for the betrayal. This definition from the Mayo Clinic really helped me to see that forgiveness was something to help me let go of anxiety and anger, not condoning her actions or justifying what she is doing:
"Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life."
Once I began to forgive (I no longer think about retribution which was mostly focused on her affair partner) I found that I could see her and not feel the same anxiety I'd previously felt. I am neutral now - not bending over backwards for her as I did in our 19 year relationship, but also not wasting emotional energy on negativity either. It feels like a weight has been lifted and I'm grateful for that.
I've also come to recognize her as an emotional manipulator who lacks empathy in ways that she never did before (not to the degree of a sociopath but in a way that makes her toxic to engage with). My sense is that goes hand-in-hand with MLC. For example, we went through mediation leading up to D and she'd said for months that she wanted me to have the house, then during our first mediation appointment she said she wanted the equity from the house - which would mean I'd have to sell. It was a real shock that she would lie so blatantly, but it goes back to her growing lack of empathy. She really does not care what happens to me at this point. I fundamentally don't recognize this person - she most certainly isn't the woman that I loved for most of my adult life.
I do not think D is avoidable at this point. I do miss my W - I feel like I was never given the chance to say goodbye to her before this new person who I don't recognize took her place. In some ways that loss feels similar to what I imagine the sudden death of a spouse might be like. Truly horrible and sad beyond words.
It is important for people in no-fault divorce states to understand that mediators, lawyers, and ultimately judges do not take into consideration the behavior of your spouse. In Massachusetts, everything is formulaic unless children are involved and the inclination is toward if 50/50 split of assets. Consequently, I felt like I was being blamed equally for the failure of the marriage despite being a model husband. It is a grossly unfair process (despite the repeated use of the term "fair and equitable" throughout the process). The mediator repeatedly said that it was like the dissolution of a business partnership, and when I pointed out that a business partner would sue to betrayer for "breach of contract", he just shrugged. In the end, do not be fooled into believing that morality will play any part in either a mediated or adjudicated process - it just won't.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24/12, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25/12 EA/PA ongoing, MC 9/30/12-present D mediation in progress
