Getting Back to Me

[Positivespin]

DO NOT REACT

[Positivespin]

you just need some time and space to re-sort this cluster.

What can you do to put the next 48 hours in slo-mo???

Its ALOT of emotions on both sides right now - bad things happen with all this negative energy

[RealityTrip]

PS I think you are right. I need to slow everything down. She saw me at lunch. She is a crying blob. She is spinning in woe. She said "I'm running. I'm running from my guilt and shame."

She wants me to make her feel better. I can't do that. Only she can. I know that she will carry all of this with her because she hasn't dealt with it. I can't fix it. I can't control it.

I feel like I'm watching my W walk down a road and can do nothing to stop the MAC truck headed straight for her.

I have to protect myself.

I thought I'd been through the worst. Watching her fall apart... Watching us sink even lower is so much worse than the pain of any stupid act of infidelity.

The helpless feeling that comes with recognizing that I have no control is centered around my fear of not having control.

That awful feeling of "what more could I do?" It's irrational. It's not being kind to myself.

I am going to go to my friends house this weekend. They don't know it yet. I'll call them after work when I am packing.

[Positivespin]

GREAT DECISION

So did she come to you at lunch?

I guess im glad my W is either too stubborn or too much in infatuation with the OM to pull these stunts.

So you called your T's office and got a appt for Monday.....right?

BTW- You are 100% solely in control of the next 2.5 days of your life........

Take this time to ask yourself this

What do I want???????

[Portia]

(((RT)))

I came across your thread today and just wanted to send you some love and peace.

If you can leave your work and want to, ask to leave. Sometimes, I found that being at work (even if I wasn't doing any) helped me rather than staring at the walls of my house, so you may want to stay.

I really like Val's bit of advice: Just say the truth: you need some time to yourself right now.

Take care of you.

[Wonka]

(((RT)))

I am so, so sorry that you're having a tough time. You are very much loved here, RT. Glad to see that you're driving 3 hours away....FAR AWAY ...FAR AWAY.

You still have those hard-acquired DBing skills...they are there. For the moment, you do really need to focus on yourself and have lovely friends surround you with love & support.

Your W is a mess...no two ways about it. I find it interesting from my vantage point that she is desperately clutching at you, begging you, etc in order to reel you back into her drama just to check to see if you would cave in as you have done a few times. This is the time for W to free fall on HER OWN face since she made the choice and she must experience the consequences of it.

This is prime time to do the LRT. What this means is no contact, no discussions, no negotiations, no texting unless she either does the following:

1) End things with the AP
2) Need to talk about the house
3) Business related to the house

If I were you, I'd move swiftly to protect your financial assets and file for a separation. Show W that you mean business. By filing for separation, it will ensure that W still continues to pay her part for the mortgage until you two divide the assets. My DXW just up and walked away without paying a cent for our house mortgage and that SVCKED big time. I don't want you to have this problem fall into your lap.


Be gentle with yourself.

[RealityTrip]

For the first time ever...She said she was divorcing me and leaving me for AP. Then she took it back. then she said it agian. Friday I came home from work and she was still there. She was supposed to be gone. She said she was confused. She said she "knows she is making a mistake" "She doesn't know what's wrong with her."

We talked. My sister was there and they talked. She called her brother and he told her if she was in this much pain over a decision it was probably the wrong one. She went to our neighbors and talked. She was seeking everyone and anyone who would tell her what she should do. Her phone was ringing non-stop. The AP called over and over asking if she had left yet.

She told me she loved me. She was even wearing her wedding ring as she drove away to this other woman. She cried and said she needed me in her life. I told her that I could not maintain a relationship with her because I was in love and it would be too painful for me. That I needed closure and to move on. She cried and asked "What if I don't go to her. What if I go back to my brother's" I said it didn't matter where she went. That she was still leaving and I was no longer ok with our limbo while she maintained her affair. Then she asked, "What if on Monday I realize I've made a huge mistake. You won't let me come home?" I said no.

I wouldn't. There has been just too much and I need some time and space away from her drama.

I finally had enough. She said she was leaving. I got dizzy. I sobbed. I couldn't breathe. She tried to crawl behind me on the bed to comfort me. My sister asked her to leave me alone. I heard my sister say something like you're breaking her heart, you don't get to comfort her.

After catching my breathe I walked to the garage door in the kitchen. I opened it. The car was gone. She really left. I hit the ground on my knees with my hands clutching my chest. I felt it. My heart was breaking.

I don't think my wife believes me. I think this time is like the other two times to her. But this time she was bolder and left directly for AP house instead of under the guise of going to her brother's. I think she thinks I will always be here. I can't. At least not now.

I decided not to go out of town. I didn't want the feeling I knew I would have if I left and returned to an empty house. My sister spent the night and sat in bed as I slept. My body shut down after W left. I couldn't keep my eyes open and it was only 6:30pm. My body was protecting my psyche and put me into a deep sleep. I didn't even dream. The next morning my sister had to leave for home 5 hours away. I laid in bed a cried for a while. Then I got up. I took a shower. I grabbed a notepad and starting making notes of all the things I needed to do...financially, personally, etc... I drove to the storage company and purchased large moving boxes. I started packing my W's things. She had only taken a couple of suitcases of clothes. (she doesn't believe me) I started in the closet. I packed her things respectfully. I do not intend to lose my integrity. The boxes are stackd neatly in the garage. There are 6 and I think the things in drawers will fill a few more.

I took down all of the pictures in the house that were of us or had her family in them. I temporarily deactivated my FB account as it is just a bunch of noise I don't need right now.

As soon as my therapists office opens today I am calling for an appoinment. I haven't seen her in a few months

I am dark. For me. I will move forward with separating things and place it on spreadsheet for her and email it to her for her input. I'm not rushing. But I will do something everyday that moves me forward.

My adult self is determined to take care of my broken hearted child self.

But I still want the phone to ring. I still want the text to come. I still want the email to be delivered. But what I want is not best for me. Anything from her now would be out of fear when she sees she is really losing me. In all of this time she has never really truly experienced the consequence of what she thought she wanted. I have been standing for her, for us. It's time. Time for her to see if she can make her fantasy a reality. Time for me to stop reading the past and start writing my future.

For the record, I am still a wreck.

[planet]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Be strong!

[StubbornDyke]

(((((((((RT))))))))))

I'm glad your sis was there. I'm glad you have a determination to do something each day to move yourself forward. That's essential. In fact, I need to be more diligent about that, so I'm going to take inspiration from you and renew my determination.

Make sure you have some ways to calm yourself down. Some breathing/meditating exercises. And have an appropriate mantra handy each day. I found it very helpful to keep a gratitude journal. First thing in the morning I'd write down 3 things I'm grateful for. Then, to remind myself that I have power in my life, I say out loud "Today I choose...[to be happy/to take charge/to move forward/...]"

You are doing the hard work to change your reactions. Good things will come from that.

More hugs. Keep breathing...

[labug]

My adult self is determined to take care of my broken hearted child self.

We'll support that adult self and give hugs to the child.

I remember that heartbreaking feeling but it's just a memory now for me, it will become the same for you.

Take your time, grieve.