If I apologize when she is being unreasonable isn't that saying her behavior is acceptable?
If I understand correctly you are only apologizing for the miscommunication, not for what you want.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
If I apologize when she is being unreasonable isn't that saying her behavior is acceptable?
If I understand correctly you are only apologizing for the miscommunication, not for what you want.
In AS example that is.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I understand. I was initially thinking three weekends at mine and one weekend at yours but if you want 2/1 then we can try that. I will be there for about 15:00, thanks.
Drove to pick the kids. I didn't know what to expect when I got there. I remember reminding myself to be like an unemotional T1000 (from Terminator 2) if she starts anything.
W was...very pleasant to my surprise.
I gave the kids a big hug each, they were very pleased to see me!
W made a joke about my hair (I use to have a completely shaven head) I had been at work all day and it was a right mess.
"You just bought that wig from a shop?" I gave her a little smile/smirk.
I asked if I needed to know anything about the kids and she said no. Got their shoes on and started to leave. W said "oh don't forget the tablet" and she ran off to get it (the one she wouldn't give me last time).
It was a nice interaction although very small. It felt like I saw a slight glimpse of my old W.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Btw imo her suggestion is good, two weekends on and one off gives you some weekend time to have a life which will give you the emotional resources to be a better dad when you have them.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Jmo, but I did not see you being antagonistic in your emails to her. She was not speaking the truth! You did not let her get away with her mess, and you typed it back to her as the true facts really were. And who knows, you may need to have those emails as your backup some day. So, why would you make it sound as if you were the jerk? And before anyone says this is not about who is right.......there comes a time (such as in getting visitation rights) when it is very important that you are the person who is right.
What AS suggested is nice, but can you imagine how your W would interpret it? After the way she twisted the truth, saying you "knew things were changing"............oh sure, the last you knew, she was planning a holiday trip! She made you sound pretty bad, and if a judge had not read as many of your posts as we have....who would know any difference.
I realize that has past, but I'm bringing it up b/c I am concerned you will go overboard.....thinking you need to validate. AS is rather exceptional, as most men go in validating. A lot of the LBH'S on the board have trouble keeping it balanced......and it stops looking like validation and starts looking more like a doormat trying to kiss tail.
I understand his point, and I don't disagree.......if you can do it as well as he can.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W sent me this last night at 1 in the morning via text and via viber:
You never, ever fought for me!
Do I ignore, validate, disagree?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T, you have to pick an approach and stick to it. Otherwise you're going to be bouncing around like a ping pong ball in a lotto machine with every single interaction with your W. Earlier was about the kids and thus necessary communication. This is not. Ignore it.
And be prepared for the backlash.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
In the morning I went with validate: I'm sorry you feel like that. Did you think I didn't care?
I find it so hard to know what to say. Took me well over an hour to get that one.
She came instantly back with: Your actions have kinda showed me you don't care.
I haven't replied yet. Validating is like a foreign language to me.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
