It's not who I want to be, it's who I am. So if I'm trying to do a 180 then I would say no to her on most everything. But if I want this DBing thing to work then I understand that we have to be friends before anything else can form again. Helping her out would be a friendly thing to do but I don't want her thinking she knows she can ask me to do anything and ill say yes cause she knows I want our marriage to work in the end. As for as expectations go, yes, I can do it without any. I just see it as helping her out when she needs it. So I guess I answered that. Thanks
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
I told her to check with her landlord first because that should be something he should take care of and at the very least pay for. But if there was a problem to let me know and we will get it taken care of.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
This roller coaster of emotion is a killer. Today alone I had felt that all is lost, what's the point, that's she is happy just being alone and she truly does just want to be friends and move along with life. Then 10 min later I said, no way!!! I will continue to hold onto hope, do what I feel I have to to make myself a better man for myself, my kids, my W and possibly my future relationship with another. Complete opposite ends of the spectrum. It helps to read post when vets tell me that I'm so early in this and my W has a long way to go before she may turn it around, if at all. I'm doing most things right but still mess up from time to time. The amount of times I have to see my W to pass the kids back and fourth makes it hard. Last night she asked to come by at 10:30 to get the staple gun. I cleaned up the house real fast, did some push-ups (lol) and jumped in the shower and put on some nice jeans and clean T shirt. As she was leaving I couldn't get my hand over my mouth fast enough to stop myself from suggesting we head upstairs for you know what. She chuckled and said sorry. She later to me she didn't want to lead me on. Now I KNOW I shouldn't be making such attempts but sometimes I just CAN NOT help myself. Maybe it's because there we didn't have a huge bad break up that caused this, or constant fighting or nagging... She just felt we became more friends than anything and lost that "in love" feeling. I have got to work on stopping anything other that kids and finaces, even when she initiates it. Like yesterday she offered to make me new curtains for my room because she took the last ones in the move out. She is totally friendly and nice with me but doesnt do or say anything to lead me on. I'm afraid of that friend line becoming too permanent but shoot, look where I am now. This is just my rant for the day. Working on CHOOSING to stay patient!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Came from hotwheelsaust's thread. I haven't read your entire thread yet but jut reading your last posts you've still got a lot to do..
First and foremost STOP telling her that you want m to work. STOP asking for sex. Those seem to me a full on pursuit. Ugh I hated when my H just came on to me wantin to have sex when he felt like it. Now I know that was how he showed his affection but I absolutely hated I felt resentful. How I wish he just grabbed me or kissed me from behind while washing dishes after dinner and just LEAVE. Then I'd know he grabbed me because he just wanted to touch/kiss me, not just for sex. I can't remember how many times I've had this kind of chat with my female friends, have heard on a radio where a female is a host, or in romantic mushy movies.
Have you read 5LL yet? What's your W's language?
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
You have to remember - your W clearly expressed romance was lacking in your R. How is asking to have sex while separated romantic?!?
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
This roller coaster of emotion is a killer. Today alone I had felt that all is lost, what's the point, that's she is happy just being alone and she truly does just want to be friends and move along with life. Then 10 min later I said, no way!!! I will continue to hold onto hope, do what I feel I have to to make myself a better man for myself, my kids, my W and possibly my future relationship with another. Complete opposite ends of the spectrum.
Jax, I thought I would come over here and help as well. Yes, this was, and sometimes still is me. I have felt the exact some emotions, what's the point, she is happier alone etc. But then yesterday, I saw and heard differently. What you need to do is continue to hold onto those positives you say to yourself "no way", because they will help you get through this. The don't give up positives. Make yourself a better person for your kids, family and W to see, forget about further relationships for now (yes, I have thought that too).
Originally Posted By: JaxFL14
It helps to read post when vets tell me that I'm so early in this and my W has a long way to go before she may turn it around, if at all.
Continue to read posts, while they may not be the same scenario, things that are being done can be related to our sitchs. Remember you can only control you, your W may have a long or short way to go, but it is her road to travel.
Originally Posted By: JaxFL14
II'm doing most things right but still mess up from time to time. The amount of times I have to see my W to pass the kids back and fourth makes it hard. Last night she asked to come by at 10:30 to get the staple gun. I cleaned up the house real fast, did some push-ups (lol) and jumped in the shower and put on some nice jeans and clean T shirt. As she was leaving I couldn't get my hand over my mouth fast enough to stop myself from suggesting we head upstairs for you know what. She chuckled and said sorry. She later to me she didn't want to lead me on. Now I KNOW I shouldn't be making such attempts but sometimes I just CAN NOT help myself. Maybe it's because there we didn't have a huge bad break up that caused this, or constant fighting or nagging... She just felt we became more friends than anything and lost that "in love" feeling.
Jax, you started off really good here, cleaning up your house and you, but as you have said yourself, you messed up asking her for sex. What you should have done is complemented her for anything, hair, clothes, weight. You should have started small touching on the arm or back. At least you know what you did wrong, we all have done it, just learn to stop that.
Originally Posted By: JaxFL14
I have got to work on stopping anything other that kids and finaces, even when she initiates it. Like yesterday she offered to make me new curtains for my room because she took the last ones in the move out. She is totally friendly and nice with me but doesnt do or say anything to lead me on. I'm afraid of that friend line becoming too permanent but shoot, look where I am now. This is just my rant for the day. Working on CHOOSING to stay patient!
Continue to work on the kids and finances, and yourself. Take it from me, it is hard, I messed up many times. I wish I could go back many months and do it again. But I cannot. At this stage in your sitch, appreciate your W is still in your life, visiting you, offering to do things (mine wasn't). You have a lovely chance to demonstrate your changes and improvements, now you must do that. No more offering to have sex. Read the 5LL, listen to the vets on this forum. Remember it is about you, the W cannot only help herself, but your improvements can help her make an easier choice.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Stilllookingup, Thank you for stopping in and offering your view. ESP from the female perspective. You are 100% right about the asking for sex. I guess at this point I'm so scared that she will want to fill that need elsewhere and that for me is a deal breaker. I told her early on that if she wanted to date someone else then I wanted the divorce. That's just me, I can't be married to some date/sleeping with another. And the lack of romance like you said was a problem. But I swear to you I tried so many things over the years. I left notes, had special dinners waiting, massage nights with candles... I really did. She just doesn't want to see that at the moment but I realize things still lacked. But that's where I would fall back to we have a 5,4 and now a 10 month old. Crazy times working our schedules with kids and money always low. (As I know most families go through the same craziness). I know I did wrong for YEARS by asking if sex was good for tonight? I should have just, as she said before, TAKE IT! Which I had totally changed and started doing about 5 months before all this happen and she responded really well to that. Sorry it to much info. My problem now was I guess since I feel like if we could start a physical relationship then it could grow to show passion and romance again, so I think asking her was just to see if she was open to it. But I hear you!! I'm done asking!!!!! Thank you! I need a well meaning slap now and again. I have read 5LL and you know I find it so hard to know what here is. I wish I would have asked her to take the quiz when we were married and "happy". I would have to say I think it's quality time since that us what really lacked in our marriage. We have been on almost opposite schedules since we met and moved to FL and me working at the fire Dept and her going to work everyday I was off so we didn't have to pay for a sitter. And money being so low we never fit away as a couple for even a weekend or anything alone. Not that she ever asked to. I should have known we needed to keep our relationship fed. Lesson LEARNED! My question for you now is as I don't talk about sex and def don't ask and knowing that she feels romance lacked, I should still detach totally and not pursue at all? And what I mean by that is maybe asking if she wants to grab some dessert or a drink every so often. It's like I want to try to date her I guess so I believe that's a big NO. I want so bad to show her romance without trying or insinuating sex. But this is not the right time.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Hotwheels, Thanks for offering your support. I agree with everything you say. So why is it so hard to stay on the track you know you should. Or this track that I've chosen to follow being the DB technique. I get discourage sometimes when I'm reading other threads and I'm hearing the same feelings I'm feeling and I look at the date and they are 12-15 months into this and their W and H are with others ... I wonder if ill be able to last that long. As I've posted before, my W has no plans for a divorce as for as actually filing though she feels that it's just a matter of time and money. That scares me but I also take hope in that it gives us time. And she has said a few times that there is NO ONE ELSE, won't be anyone else and she doesn't want anyone now. So I try to believe that and having known her for 10 years I truly believe she feels she wants to be alone right now. But I know that will only last so long. No one wants to be alone forever. I like your advice about going for the small touches. I've thought about that recently and will try to get those in when and where it's appropriate. Mental struggles on what right and wrong on a day to day basis. Praying for patients. Thanks for the support.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Jax, you shouldn't have to have your wife do the 5LL quiz. You should know her by now. My W needs quality time and physical touch. Things I am trying to do, based on time with her. Don't get discouraged about about sitch's on the forum. Your's, mine and the others are all different, but similar. It doesn't mean yours has to end up like others. Mental struggles will continue to come, no denying that, just how you deal with them will and should change. Think about this quote someone wrote up, I live by it. "It is a marathon, not a sprint."
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
