Suckerpunch needs a life

[Drew]

If it's no inconvenience to you then do it. You need to start thinking of her as a coparent, not your W. The long and short of it is that you are upset because she's going with OM. If she was going to visit a sick friend or family member I'm sure you wouldn't care, right? You need to get yourself to a point where there is no difference to you. You shouldn't care whether she's going to see a sick friend or going to jump naked out of a plane. All you should care about is your schedule and whether you can accommodate her request or not. If you can't then fine, tell her that. But don't refuse just because you don't like what she's doing with her time, that's not your business anymore. I'm not saying you need to approve of what she's doing, I'm just saying you have got to quit letting it affect you so deeply. Make everything about YOU and your D. Leave your W alone to make or break her own life.

Great advice.

[swoop]

You all have such good advice. I will make an appointment with my doctor today. I am feeling somewhat fine, just the typical sadness that affects me from moment to moment, but I think that is to be expected. I still very much need to get a handle on my emotions, so that I can find my own happiness.

I have realized that going a little more dark is necessary to save myself. The less contact I have with wife, and the less snooping or conversing about her that I do, the better I feel. I just need to make her, Or at least the relationship with her, a past memory and move forward. I have had such a hard time understanding why this is all happening, and that is probably a big reason for my depression. I just don't get why we can't fix the issues. She sees it otherwise, and unfortunately that is her reality so I need to accept it. I am still very upset that she feels she needs to completely rewrite her life. She is involved with OM, all new friends and all new activities. She is becoming a completely different person in all aspects. I know that will not last, and I don't entirely understand why she thinks it is a good solution....I need to let go of these thoughts and worry about myself. It is that simple.

The issue I am having with wife and finances are, she still expects a large settlement. I have expressed to her that it is simply not going to happen without a fight. However, she is still spending every cent of her money on her self enjoyment, and saving nothing to secure her future. I am still putting a roof over her head, still paying her utility bills. She is broke and not making an effort to move forward on her own and that simply pisses me off. What she does with her life can't concern me anymore. However, when her life affects mine, I carry some emotional burden. She wants a divorce. She wants money as a settlement. She wants separation. She wanted to walk out that door. That does not mean I have to help her with her choices. She needs to carry on with her own wishes, so that I can have some peace with my life. I don't feel that is too much to ask. She wanted this, not me.

[AnotherStander]

I have had such a hard time understanding why this is all happening, and that is probably a big reason for my depression.

You have got to let go of that need to understand, because you will never understand. Your W probably doesn't understand either. WAS's are driven by emotions, not logic. You can't hope to understand emotionally-driven behavior.

I just don't get why we can't fix the issues.

It's not a flat tire you're dealing with, it's WAS emotions. Emotions can't be "fixed". They can change over time though. LOTS of time.

However, she is still spending every cent of her money on her self enjoyment, and saving nothing to secure her future.

^^^Not your issue^^^

I am still putting a roof over her head, still paying her utility bills.

^^^Who are you blaming for this?^^^

She is broke and not making an effort to move forward on her own and that simply pisses me off.

= not detached

What she does with her life can't concern me anymore.

Exactly!

She wanted this, not me.

There's that blaming again. Your W felt that this was a last resort to what she saw as a horrible marriage. She didn't "want" this, she felt like she had to do it to save herself. Try to have some compassion towards her, remember that this has been very painful for her too. Remember that you played a very big part in things getting to this point.

[AnotherStander]

Someone else posted this quote in another thread, but it made me think of you SP:

If there’s one thing we all have in common it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes—a lay off, a break up, a transfer.

We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in.

It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

I looked up the quote and it came from here. There's some other good stuff on that page that's pertinent to our sitches too.

[swoop]

Thank you, AS. You always have something positive to add, to bring me back to reality.

I guess I will never understand W's reasoning for leaving the relationship. She seems very calculated and decisive. She doesn't seem to be acting out of emotion at all. I need to just let it go I guess. She has made her decision.

I will be pulling back more and more. I haven't been doing that, because I truly wanted to save this marriage, or at very least give it a second chance. I am just now beginning to realize that is never going to happen, and therefore I must change the focus to the life ahead of me. I can't keep putting my hope in the possibility that wife will come back. She isn't coming back. I will be amicable with her. I owe that to my daughter, but I will have to remove myself from her contact. I haven't been doing that, because I did not want to come off as cold and distant. unfortunately, I think that is going to be my only way to save myself. I think I just need to start blowing her off and pushing her away....far away. I need to end it.

[jp787]

Someone else posted this quote in another thread, but it made me think of you SP:

If there’s one thing we all have in common it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes—a lay off, a break up, a transfer.

We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present. A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in.

It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

I looked up the quote and it came from here. There's some other good stuff on that page that's pertinent to our sitches too.

That would have been uRworthy on mine.

[littleGTO]

Oh, SP, I so feel your pain. BUt, I agree w AS and others...you need to stop analyzing why your wife is where she is. It doesn't get YOU anywhere.

You need to detach, and I think you know how. NC w your wife (or as little as possible).

"I need to end it." I recently came to this conclusion as well. BUt, for me I felt myself getting closer and closer to wanting this myself. You have to feel ready--on your own time.

Forget about what your W is doing/that she is w OM. What do you want going forward?

SP, you are worth the love of someone who will love you back. You need to heal, so you need to decide what it will take for you to move forward with your life and change your focus to You completely!

[swoop]

You are so right, GTO. But my heart just won't let go. To make things worse, wife just called and asked me for a small favor. I had already spent most of the day thinking about how I would bring this whole process to more of a closure. So, during the phone call just now, I asked W when she would be able to start moving her things out of our home. One thing led to another and she became combative and upset. I validated her, stayed calm and gave her some words of affirmation. However at the same time, I was firm with my wish to reconcile. I acknowledge my mistakes in the marriage and apologized. I was clear that her feelings were not the same, and that she wanted to move on. I told her that I needed to put some distance between us, to save myself. I let her know how deeply my emotional hurt was going, and I asked that she allow me to pull back completely, for me. All she could express was how poorly I listened and acted during the marriage. She also kept trying to put me in a position of being selfish and not wishing to negotiate with her, which was absolutely untrue, and I think she even realizes it. She was literally wanting to fight, but I would not fight with her.....so no, My downward spiral begins again. I need to stop this before it kills me. I can't take it anymore.

[littleGTO]

SP
I am so sorry what u are going thru. My heart hasn't let go either. I love my H. But, I felt the ultimate act of love was to let him go. Completely.

It wasn't really what I wanted at all. BUt, it was necessary to save myself and to give myself HOPE for the future. My H doesn't love me any more. There is another woman in his heart. This kills me-absolutely kills me.

But, if I believe I can be happier than I've ever been w/o him and that my future holds wonderful things, then I can move forward. I can and I am.

You need to stop talking to her. NC!! When you are ready you will want to drop the rope FOR YOU!

What if u knew there was another woman out there just waiting for u to love her and to love u back with all her heart. Knowing that your W is unlikely to change her path. What if she recognized you for all that u are and all that u have to give?

But first u have to heal and accept that your M is over. Detach!

[PatientMan]

...so no, My downward spiral begins again. I need to stop this before it kills me. I can't take it anymore.

Have you found anything that reliably pulls you up? Exercise? Prayer? A movie? Watching sports? Out with friends?

What have you tried?

-PM