Just to add, though maybe not relevant, is that W read a book, a biography, just before BD, where the woman told her story of not feeling satisfied with her married with children life, had an affair, divorced H (he was a great father, dutiful H, etc, but she didn't feel he was "the right one" for her) to live with exciting Dr. OM.
OM ended up NOT leaving his W, so she was devastated, but didn't try to R with exH, she had to "find herself"..eventually exH re-married and she described the sense of loss and un-recoverability now, (she discovered she had kept returning to him and kids as an option in the back of her mind), etc. In my newly-LBS mind, her ending of the book seemed like a lot of justification of her actions, but I would like to read it again to see if I still think that now with all I have learned.
I had just "sped-read/skimmed", but I see a parallel with how W has traveled her journey in a loose way. I wish I could remember the title, and it's not in the house as far as I can tell looking at all the book shelves. I would like to remember so I can look up the author to see if 20 years later she felt the same as when she wrote the book with her actions and their consequences. Maybe she has a blog or some later books.
Maybe someone here might know the book and author since it is in the genre we study here.
And just a side note, W's replay email alias was clearly named to reflect her finding herself, writing a story...
Sorry if all that is off-topic and/or a hi-jack FY...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
My take on the OM, is that there is a fantasy one, that is inside her head.
So he may never become REAL, but he is there none the less.
Did she ever read romance novels or anything like that. If so there is your OM, the lead character in a BOOK.
She is LOW ENERGY, and the problem with the what I have observed is the antics are not as great but the TIME involved make up for the lack of ENERGY.
My .02
Thanks Cadet, and I agree about her likely having a fantasy OM. Actually, it seems more like a fantasy of a whole new life. Just another reason my GAL is so important.
I really don't see her going for a loser kind a guy. (A down) Seems too smart and cynical for that. (VERY cautious about trusting people, which is kinda the opposite of me) She's also not gonna wanna hook up with a guy with kids. Or a non-vegi.
Sooner or later she'll have to figure out that the guy who's been standing next to her really is the best option.
As for time, I've got plenty. After all I'm FY!
She's never read a R novel as far as I know. Maybe I should get her one?
Maybe one where the hero wins his lover with mad TKD skills and then rides her off into the sunset on his bicycle.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I agree with Cadet that a women can have a fictional OM. My W became obsessed with a series of romance novels. She would spend hours many nights on an Internet forum discussing the novels with others and now counts among her friends these people, some of which she has never physically met.
One time before BD I complained to her that she is holding me up to a standard of a fictional character. How could any person compare to a character who is tall, rugged, handsome, kind, loving, strong, smart (speaks multiple languages), etc.?
Anyway, I agree that the OM can be fictional, and FY, if your W doesn't read romance novels, it could be something else.
"Yes, she'll spend some time with me, but absolutely refuses to have fun while doing it. Going out with friends is WAY more fun. She even makes sure to not laugh at my jokes, even though others we are with are doing so."
Doesn't this just svck SO much FY? I'm sorry you are going thru this, it must hurt you. My H doesn't have fun with ANYONE, except maybe on skype with the Tramp, but he definitely makes sure to ignore me, and sometimes glares at me, if he is with a group of other people. Even if I was there first. I miss him so much.
I hope your W does not take up with an OM, real or imaginary. I read somewhere (DR maybe?) that an EA can take place between two people of the same gender, an imaginary friend, an online friend, almost anyone. But I don't think every one who goes thru MLC ends up with another person, some end up with cars, new wardrobes, etc. Cadet's explanation makes sense.
PS Do you think I could get my H to trade in the Russian Tramp for a trashy novel about sexy Russian spies?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
FY, I dont think your wife has an OM - fantasy or otherwise at the moment. The reason is that she is struggling with what happened with her brother. So I dont think that's where her mindset is at the moment or at least it isnt very high on her list.
Now her thinking of a new fantasy life, that I agree with.
The trouble with fantasies is...... that they are fantasies
T2: Not a hi-jack at all. Your W's choice of reading material is quite interesting. Can I ask what your intimate life with her was like before the crises?
SA: Way back at BD, W once told me she wants someone to sweep her off her feet and show her the world. (and of course won't let it be me, at least right now) So yeah, it's kinda hard to top a fantasy. But we still gotta try! I think they will see if we do.
Linda, we have to find a way to not miss them so much. Missing them shows, and makes them pull away from us. Act as if everything is ok, or that you don't care if it's not! After all, our spouses are still at home with us. That's worth something, I figure.
Originally Posted By: Linda
But I don't think every one who goes thru MLC ends up with another person, some end up with cars, new wardrobes, etc. Cadet's explanation makes sense.
W finally started to get excited about the new car, (I tried getting one a while back and was shot down, so I dropped it) and it looks like it will be a fancy hi-end sports car! Imagine that.
uRw: Yes, I'm convinced the brother incident is a big part of what she's dealing with. But what can I do about that? I can't bring it up or suggest therapy. (again)
Also, how badly do you think I bombed my chances here with my one time incident? She knows that's not who I am, I'm sure.
Thanks for following, all!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hmmmm, it's the old risk-benefit analysis FY. OM....high end fancy sports car. Good choice on W's part!
Thanks for the reminder "After all, our spouses are still at home with us. That's worth something, I figure.". You're right, that is worth a LOT and is a good thing to keep in mind. If they wanted to be gone, they would.
You are wondering how badluly you bombed you chances at reconciliation with that one time incident. I would say that if she comes out of her MLC, and there is absolutlely no reason to believe she will not at this point, that she will forgive and forget. You made a mistake, and not a really terrible one at that. She knows that is not the real you.
Put it this way - your W has the same chance of forgiving you for your alcohol induced action as my H has of deciding I have not been cheating on him for 38 years because he saw another nurse put his arm around me when he was apologizing to me for saying simething really nasty about my parenting skills. Sometimes it seems impossible to me, but in reality, there is a very good chance they will realize the truth once their brains are functioning again.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hi FY, intimate life was great, extra juicy, up until she started posting pics on sites a couple and a half three months before BD. Then it changed...no kissing, few hugs, definite change in passion level before it went to zero, zilch, nada.
From the things she has said (deliberately, or let slip sometimes) the past couple years, she discovered that she was attractive and guys wanted her, then it was like "Oh, I have options" or something, and like the part from "Midlife Crisis for Dummies" regarding the OP, all those guys who never had a chance with her, well they did now! And she was going to make up for her lost adolescence and early 20's! Just like the script.
I think she will be able to forgive and move on, once she moves forward in the process some more, comes to accept, and hopefully get some professional help to speed it up...but if not, I have seen firsthand people come to terms with the past, accept, forgive, all by themselves.
She knows you, FY. Good, bad and ugly. I have to think, with no kids or financial dependance on you, that if she thought badly of you, or you were a monster (you're not!), she wouldn't be hanging around still, ya know?
Hang in there and have a great weekend!!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
She is projecting on you her feelings about her brother. Once she works through it all, I feel she will be able to put what happened with you in the proper context and forgive you.
I agree with T, if she felt that you were a monster, she would be long gone.
