Not a skill I am very good at. It is funny, but when she is actin really outragous, I can detach easily. In the quit times like this, I can't.
When she is ignoring me and I am left to my own thoughts, I start thinking about my expectations in life and my views on family. I start framing this mental fantasy about who she is or was. I imagine a different relationship and a different life. It fills me with desire for my wife and I want to persue rather than detach. I can't control these thoughts.
What mystifies me is that I know that my W will never be that fantasy, yet my emotions run that direction regardless. Sometimes I think I am as delusional as my W.
Its not even midnight here, for 20 years I worked on 4 hours of sleep. Even with me cutting way back at work 1am is a common bedtime, now I just get to sleep in till 7 am. For me that's a LOT of sleep.
I know this sounds awful, but from what I've read from many others, its best to treat it like the wife you remember died, and so did that marriage. Your waiting for a new wife to come into the picture with a whole new marriage. I like the aliens kidnapped my spouse version more thou. Either way, you get the point, the old wife is NEVER coming back, maybe you need to look at your wife and act like your a friendly stranger to detach. I know that's not easy either, but its true. Just say to yourself "Who is that woman?, cause its not my wife."
The reality is that my W was never what you would call a "Good" W. I went through my marriage hoping she would change, that she would grow up. Her family tells me that this is the real her. That this is exactly what she was like in high school
She doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, she is very controlling. But, mostly, there is an underlying unhappiness. And, there is a certain selfishness and aggressiveness that says "I am going to hurt you before you hurt me". Again her family tells me that these traits have always been there.
But, this is mixed with a certain sweetness and sense of values. She doesn't smoke, or drink, or swear (and yet she actually flipped me off - where did that come from?). I never thought she would lie, or hurt me like this. I still love her.
Woman are complicated. I wish my daughters would stay little girls.
I am not sure why, but I decided to ask my W out tonight. We have been so distant lately, that I thought I might make a little effort to reconnect.
I am absolutely convinced I have to go through with this D, so it is not about reconciliation. But, maybe putting in a little effort at healing the relationship will help make the D process easier and help us to work together better after D. Who knows, but I figure what do I have to lose?
I was very surprised when she accepted my offer. we are going to see "The Heat".
I have never been so frustrated with another person in my life. We went out last night for the first time in who knows how long (months?). We saw "The Heat". It was very funny. There was no tension, we got along well. It was a good time.
After the movie, I ask her if she wanted to go out and get a drink. She said she had to get up early so would just rather go home. Since we were coming from different activities, we drove seperately. I said, Ok, I will see you at home.
She got home just before me. She was sitting in her car on the phone. I go inside to wait for her. 45 minutes later, she is still outside on her phone. I finally text her that "I am trying hard to be understanding, but this is extremely rude"
A few minutes later, she comes in. She says, "Would you rather I talk in the house". I said, "I thought we were going to spend some time together. I would expect you to say, 'I am spending the evening with my husband, can I call you back tomorrow?'" I get nothing back but a blank stare. I understand that our relationship is strained, but she displays this lack of etiquite with everyone, not just me. I really hate that phone.
The primary purpose of going out was to finish the talk we had Tuesday night. I was picking D6 up at work and she asked if I was filing for divorce. I told her "yes, in the morning". Then we had a brief discussion, but it was in a parking lot, D6 was in the car and we could only talk for a few minutes. So, I was hoping to finish the conversation when we had more time and in private.
So finally, 3 days after I announced that I had filed for D, we had a chance to talk. Essentially, I asked her if she doesn't want to be divorced, and doesn't want to be married, then what does she want? We talked for about an hour and I am just baffled by her thinking.
Essentially, she can't figure out how to continue the life she is currently living that makes her "Happy". She can't live with me (too much tension), and she can't live without me (Financial and child care issues). She is extremely angry at me for filing for D and making her make a decision. Here are some key points that she made:
1) If I cared about the kids and wasn't so selfish, then I would just suck it up and keep living the way we are living without creating so much conflict.
2) She asked for space and wants a year to figure out if moving forward without me is what is best for her. If I really cared about her and the kids, I would move out, keep paying all the bills and let her figure this out. I said that she was free to move out, but this is my home. It is unfair to ask me to wait in the marriage as her "Plan 'B'" while she looks for something better.
3) She re-iterated how she doesn't love me, doesn't want to spend time with me, etc.... The marriage will never heal. She is 100% sure that we have no future.
Fine, this is all stuff I have heard before. I clearly understand what she is thinking and has been thinking for the last year. If we have no future, and she has no interest in working on the marriage, then we should move forward and get a divorce. I tell her that "I hear you, I filed, and I am ready to work with you on ending this marriage."
Then she tells me "No". She is not going to get divorced. She wants to stay in the house, and be with her kids every night (apparently she hasn't noticed that she is gone almost every night, but I digress).
So, if I am going to make her choose between "being a wife" and "being happy" she will choose to "be a wife". She will stop going out, stop travelling to Haiti, end her new friendships and just be miserable and depressed. But, for my sake, she will put on a happy face and give me whatever I want. She will be the perfect wife and I will never really know how miserable she is.
This is not a sarcastic tongue in cheek comment. After thinking things through, this is really her plan. She said that I have "Won" and that I am going to get what I want. She is the victim.
I explained that I want a real wife and a real marriage and if this is truly her heart, then it is time for a divorce. I asked if we could sit down sometime next week and try to come to an understanding about terms. She said "No" that she had decided that she didn't want a divorce and was not going to talk to me about it.
She just wants to know how long she has before she has to start being "The perfect wife". Can she at least keep living the way she is for the rest of the summer. How much time does she have to be "Happy" before she has to be "miserable" and fake being "Happy"? Again, in her mind, this is a real question.
So to summarize: she won't work on the marraige, won't get a divorce and doesn't understand why I just don't put up with this for the sake of the kids. I guess that is why there are lawyers. It is going to be a rough year.
Between the 2 choices, living in the frying pan or falling into the fire. Neither are choices that your gonna be happy with anyways. One will bring 24/7 misery, still no respect, love, or true interaction with a loving wife. The 2nd, will hurt still, with all the same above missing but bring some closure, protect you and your kids.
I'm sorry you have to decide. I think you know what your thinking, and i'll support whatever you need/want to do.
Good luck, keep venting!! you do have people listening and support you.
Thanks TH. You are absolutely right, and I have already decided. I just don't want to go through a bitter D. It would be so much easier if we were on the same page.
Her saying "No, I am not going to get divorced" isn't going to stop her from being divorced. It is just going to make the process more painful.
