Hola! I'm good. Some healthy, calm, family time with my big sister. She and her D17 have been staying with me since last Friday and will leave this weekend. My W is still on her last minute work trip. She comes home tonight. Going to dinner with me and my Sis.
W's birthday was yesterday. She was all alone in a far away city. When I drove her to the airport last Thursday I snuck a birthday card into her luggage. She was really surprised and thankful. I didn't do it for any other reason than to wish her a happy day. Being alone on your birthday stinks in my opinion!
So I don't know what the rest of the week holds. W knows how I am feeling. I know (for the most part) how she is feeling and I know she has to get her brother's car back to him so I see this going a couple of ways:
1- She asks me to follow her up to drop off the car and we come back home and go from there.
2- She says she is dropping off the car and will be back in a rental in a few days and we go from there.
3- She says she is dropping off the car and on her way there she stops at AP's house for a "fix" and reignites the A... I don't hear from her for a few days and then I get an email telling me and apologizing for not being able to tell me in person. Asking for more time and perching back up on her fence.
No matter what happens I am going to be freakishly calm. That is my intent. So calm that it confuses her! lol!!
Option number 3... the most probable option... is not an option for me. I think if that does indeed happen then I will be booking a cruise out of the harbor here for just me, myself and I. A little caribbean escape from the drama. Some sunshine for the soul. Hey... sounds good. I might just do it no matter what happens!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
LOL!!! I am making myself laugh with things I have heard, seen, or read in my sitch. I am forming a mental blog titled: "Stupid Chit the OP Says". My first entry is from a few months back when I was a snoop machine.
1- OP texted: "You would make a beautiful bride."
ummmm... yeah... wanna see the pictures? LOLOL!!!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Olivia Cruise! LOL!!!... I've been on one... my honeymoon in 2004. lol!!! Not ready for that memory lane yet!
My W flew in yesterday. My older sis and I picked her up at the airport and the 3 of us went to one of my W's favorite restaurants and my sis treated us both to dinner for my W's belated birthday. It was good. A little awkward at first. My sis was good at recovering any silence at the table that may have happened once or twice. I wasn't sure if my W was just nervous to see my big sis for the first time since my sitch began or what... but I was "As If" for the whole evening. As it progressed it got easier but was never really hard anyway.
In the car on the was home we talked about Mom. She's been in the hospital. W said to me "Your mom hates me." I responded, "No she doesn't. She'll get over it." and left it at that. ????? wonder what that was about ????
I was really tired. After we got home I went to bed earlier than the two of them. My W came in and kissed me goodnight. Later when she came to bed she woke me to hug and kiss me again. I don't know. Something about both displays of affection felt like duty maybe? I could just be sensitive.
I noticed about myself that when W is away and we communicate I feel more confident. When we are in person I feel more insecure. Something my detachment is lacking. I thinks its centered around my LL. Physical touch. Obviously that is not what it used to be. But it really does affect me. It's hard because it's also how I express love. I have to reel it in so I am not clingy and re-adjust to her need of Act of Service but the problem remains that I am not getting my needs met.
Which brings me to something I had running around in my head last night. Have I outgrown her? There were a couple of times in coversation that I just looked at her at thought, hmmm? She and my sis bonded over razzing on me a couple of times. My feelings started to get hurt but then I realized it for what it was, the two of them connecting and was able to release the hurt. But what I noticed was that my W has not changed in some respects... at all. There are some things that I don't like. Her nature to generalize that I am "always" a certain way or "always make a certain mistake". Her instistance on holding grudges. Not just with me but with others as well (like her friends right now. She only see's she is right and doesn't try to look at her own accountabilities in those relationships) I don't know. I just feel so different than who I used to be.
But does all this concern come from fear and hurt? Am I being defensive and using it to say... oh, your not giving me what I need but it doesn't matter because I am growing and you are not? When what I really want is for her to get on board and join me in seeking and reflecting? Am I looking for fault and journaling on it now because of my fear that she will leave this week and I will have to move forward alone.
It's all so confusing. What is my truth?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I think your thoughts are normal. A LBSer goes through the gambit.. and there's just no way around it.
IMO - In the beginning of this realization.. you do end up attaching negative motives behind phrases such as.
" I've grown she hasn't" "I'm so glad I don't have to put up with x or y"
And then your following actions are negative because your heart IS looking for fault and displacing hurt.
BUT Once the pain subsides, your heart changes a little bit and these thoughts will have a different motive. This doesn't happen until detachment and until some healing has taken place.
Either way... thoughts like these usually propel us forward. Just make sure it's propelling you forward to the person you want to become.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Today is the worst day of my life. Last night after a really great evening together my W broke down. She told me that while she was out of town, her AP surprised her and showed up at her hotel on her birthday. She has been "sick" about telling me. Everything progressed. The AP gave her an ultimatum again to come to her by Saturday. Last night my W said she is divorcing me and leaving today to go be with the AP. Then she took it back. Then she said it again. She has been crying all morning saying she knows she is making a mistake and she doesn't know what's wrong with her. She is sobbing. She wanted to hug and kiss and hold me but I didn't allow it. I told her that I thought she was making a mistake but I could not do anything about it. That this is her choice and that I love her. I told her I cannot have any contact with her that she can reach me through my sisters. She kept asking me to hug her (I couldn't), telling me she's sorry and confused over and over. Telling me she destroyed us... She told me over and over that she loves me. Crying, crying, crying. Saying she can't get over her guilt and shame. Saying this is what she deserves.
She'll be gone when I get home.
I came to work. I can't breathe.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
SD I'm so glad you are here. Thank you. I'm numb. I'm scared. I'm sad and want to cry. I feel like I'm in shock like BD all over again. It's so much harder with all of the love and affection. Why does she do that? Why can't she just be cold, distant and mean like some other WAS's? Why did she always give me so much hope?
I am so scared. My future seems so uncertain. I really can't believe she is choosing this. I know she's not healthy. I know she's making a mistake. I know I can't do anything about it. I know.
But I love and I care.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I'm sitting at my desk crying. I must look a wreck. My interim boss (mine is on LOA) is trying to be understanding. I'm starng at my wedding picture on my desk. I didn't wear my ring today. I'm not ready to take down the picture.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
You know those credit cards that you dont want to use - or that rainy day fund???
Get the F out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have a therapist- call them
If your CO. has EAP use them
go away for the weekend.....leave now. do not see her- let her wallow in her mess like a pig
you dont deserve to be subjected by that wishy washy BS
GO!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I am forming a mental blog titled: "Stupid Chit the OP Says". My first entry is from a few months back when I was a snoop machine. 
