What do I do?

[cat04]

Helen,

I said I would point some of the stuff out that I saw…

I am not trying to pick on you in any way…

However, we can’t change things if we don’t see them…

Also he mentioned life being more complicated now than it used to be...I said you have the same wife, same kids...nothing has changed but his job (I think this is a big contributor to where we are). He said, yeah, and me (himself)... Finding a new job would be an easy fix.

This can be considered controlling.

He is telling you his thoughts and you are telling him what YOU see the problem as…as well as how to fix it (even if you didn’t say how to fix it, pointing out the “problem” shows him you don’t agree with his assessment.

Validation of his feelings would have worked well here.

I am having to sit on my hands to avoid emailing him. He is going to IC with the worst therapist I have ever met. I want to ask him to consider seeing someone else. After reading the "well meaning therapist" section in DR I just wanted to cry. I feel totally doomed if he keeps seeing her. She is divorced and has children and totally thinks kids are resilient and it's no big deal. She doesn't realize or care what's at stake here. Of course she's not going to encourage him to find happiness while staying married...that might be like admitting she messed up. She has told him to focus on himself and everything else will fall into place. It just sounds so passive and "I don't care" about the marriage

This is judgemental.

Not just of the therapist, but of his choice of therapist as well.

So by default, it shows that you don’t have too much faith in his ability to make good choices.

While she may not have the same agenda as you, she is obviously someone he feels comfortable talking to and for him, that is what is important.

I gave him the number of an excellent psychiatrist that I saw years ago for postpartum issues...

This is definitely controlling and pursuing.

You are subtly suggesting that the way to get better is to use this therapist.

I did make the mistake of telling him our 5 year old is planning our next Disney trip but says we can't go until daddy comes home because we've never been without him.

I am glad that you realize this was a mistake.

This was also control via guilt and attempted manipulation of his feelings.

I told him he's not getting anymore emails, texts or calls from me. I'm giving him the space he's obviously saying he needs by moving out and filing for a divorce.

Again control via guilt.

My husband read the first chapter of DR! I know that's a rule breaker...but he's told me he actually enjoys reading the stuff I send him. I've cut way, way back...but there was a lot of good information in the first chapter so I decided to take my chances.

You are trying to fix him. To show him how wrong he is. How it is possible to fix this.

What we think as fixing, is often considered to be attempted control by a WAS. And by other people.

Saw H this morning briefly to exchange the kids in a parking lot. Can't believe this is what my life has come to. But, I refuse to go to his apartment...I feel it's the space he created to get away from me and I don't feel welcome there. He says that's not true but whatever.

This too is control via punishing actions and guilt and manipulation.

If you can’t go there because it is too painful for you, then that is what you should say. Instead of placing the blame for your feelings onto him.

The first two therapists that we went to told us at the first visit some version of, "I can't make you stay married, that's up to you. I can help you with the transition if you don't want to be"

I mean no, they can't MAKE us stay married...but I'd at least like them to try. And to give us some hope. Geesh, it was our first visit. We could have been arguing over something totally petty at that point, they didn't know.

No, therapists can’t make you stay married.

It is their job to be honest with you even if you don’t like what they are saying.

Generally, most people don’t go to a therapist if they are arguing over something petty. And it isn’t their job to do the work that couples need to do to right a messed up marriage.

So I think they were being pretty upfront even if their approach could have been better.

I just mean that if he lets the divorce become final it's over for me. I will not remain in limbo after the divorce is finalized. I've got to start healing at some point. Limbo is leaving the wound wide open, just like my therapist says.

Why don’t you start healing now?

That is something that will help NOW possibly improve your situation. Your outlook would be better. You would be more balanced. You will stop building resentments and frustration and begin dealing with those feelings now, which can only create less barriers to have to work through if reconciliation does happen.

Additionally, why are YOU putting a time limit on this?

I understand he filed. I know that hurts. However it is only the end if you decide it is the end.