Well, its been a couple weeks but here I am again. I have been watching and giving advice, but laying off my threads. Some new developments have arrived that I need advice on.
My W has been telling me to get involved in the finances, specifically mine. Well I have been and noticed a charge on our joint credit card for a hotel room. I confronted her about it, and she told me she thought I stayed there and didnt care. When I told her I didnt, she told me she didnt either, and would dispute the charge.
I went to the hotel and confronted the manager, who showed me the receipt...with W's signature on it, and a copy of her ID. So, she lied to me.
I have long thought she was having an A. She guarded her cell, and eventually locked it. She has changed all the passwords for just about everything. She refuses to have S with me, which is funny that she wont cheat on her boyfriend, with her husband who she is cheating on...and seems to be out GAL'ing me, constantly out with girlfriends and otherwise out of the house.
The divorce paperwork is filed about a month now, and she is making no bones about changing course. We have been getting along pretty well as house mates, but thats about it. I believe this is because I have been doing my best to avoid R talk and giving her space.
I guess at this point I need advice on if I should confront her about the hotel room. I mean, do I continue to live the lie and let her go behind my back while were married? Or be a man and ask for the truth?
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
Hi swede, sorry to hear that you found out about the A. The best thing for you to do is to act as if. By your confrontation, you will be pushing your W to the OM.
By not confronting doesn't mean you are living a lie. It just mean you accept the fact. Would this be a deal breaker for you?
She had a PA when I was overseas in 2003-2004. Its all in the other threads...but yes, yes this is a deal breaker....especially if it is the same dude again after all these years.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I don't have advice about the confrontation but I am just so sorry you have to deal with this. Walking away is one thing, affairs are another. I dealt with an EA two years ago and it was soul-crushing and also why I think I have so much resentment towards him now. I don't know what else to say except sorry. Hope the vets chime in soon regarding advice.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
do I continue to live the lie and let her go behind my back while were married? Or be a man and ask for the truth?
First of all I'm very sorry, that is a horrible discovery.
You are not "letting her go behind your back" because she does not need your permission to do so, that is her choice and she owns it.
WRT your question, you can be a man and not confront her. Play it out -- what are you expecting to happen when you confront her? Are you expecting an apology? A show of remorse? Compassion for how you feel? Surprise and sadness that she's been discovered?
That's usually how people go into a confrontation, they usually get none of those things, then feel even worse because the cheater makes them feel like they don't matter at all.
Confrontation is a personal decision, just ask yourself what it will accomplish and check your expectations going into it. The most likely reaction you will
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
What do mean, accuray? Don't sfc deserves to know?
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
planet, he already knows ... not only did the hotel manager show him her signature but also a copy of her ID. There's no mistaking that she was in the hotel room. At the risk of sounding naive, I presume hypothetically she could have been there with women (somewhere to crash after a girls night) or she could have been there with a guy and they played monopoly all night. But no matter what she actually did that night she lied to SFC_Swede so logic would dictate that she probably wasn't doing anything proper.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
Accuray: "Play it out -- what are you expecting to happen when you confront her? Are you expecting an apology? A show of remorse? Compassion for how you feel? Surprise and sadness that she's been discovered?"
I always respect your opinion Accuray, but I struggle with this. The larger part of my brain knows I will get none of what you said above. She will be cold and heartless...if she comes clean. I will get the whole "I told you we were done and filed for divorce two months ago" speech. But I guess I just want to know for my own sake, clear the air and get some honesty, and so I can get some respect back...and to prove I am not some lame idiot oblivious to what she thinks she is getting away with and laughing behind my back.
I do have something to lose in this. She could flip and tell me to leave the house (which I can not afford), or she will leave the house hanging me with a mortgage I can not afford. But I just feel like acting as if is making me look weak, stupid, and a carpet.
Other than this...we have been getting along ok, especially alone. She kinda gets nasty and stand offish if her friends are around.
Me-45,W-36 M-12 yrs, T-15 years SS- 16 Nov 2003 Initial B date, 2-3 others since EA/PA OM 2003-2004 Reconciled 2004 May 2013 Final BD, W completely detaches W files D June 2013 I am moving out 26 July 2013
I'm not telling you not to confront her, I'm just warning you that you will likely leave that conversation feeling worse instead of better, so I'm asking you to stop and think about why you're doing it and what you expect to happen.
Originally Posted By: sfc_swede
But I guess I just want to know for my own sake, clear the air and get some honesty
What if she's not honest with you? What if she denies it even though you have all the evidence? Can you extract honesty if she's not willing to give it? If you wanted her to be honest with you, how would you approach her?
Originally Posted By: sfc_swede
so I can get some respect back...and to prove I am not some lame idiot oblivious to what she thinks she is getting away with and laughing behind my back.
How will confronting her get your respect back?
If she has low morals why do you want her respect?
Why does getting cheated on make you a lame idiot?
Do you think she takes pride in being a liar and a cheater? Is that why you think she laughs behind your back, because she's proud of what she's doing?
Most cheaters are tortured by what they are doing -- when you confront them their agony shifts to anger at you. Your confrontation is a relief to them and they vent their pent up self anger at you.
By all means confront her if you want -- just plan carefully how you will do it, what you will say, the tone you will use, what you expect, and what happens next
Planet, "deserve" has nothing to do with it. He didn't deserve to be cheated on to begin with. You can't extract truth from a WAS just because you want it and deserve it
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I dealt with an EA two years ago and it was soul-crushing and also why I think I have so much resentment towards him now. I don't know what else to say except sorry. Hope the vets chime in soon regarding advice.