Hi Linda, Bright, and Thumpered.. Thank you so much for checking on me. I am so mixed up about everything. I have never seen H like this in my life. I am scared for him and for the kids and I. The kids do not know about his suicidal thoughts. H stopped over tonight to work on his car and he said he is just done with everything and is giving up. Then he asked if I would just sit with him in the yard while he drank his iced tea.
He just sat there with his head in his hands for a while then finally said why aren't you mad at me yet and why don't you hate me yet?? He just keeps saying that over and over. That phrase has come up many times from him. I just said that people are not perfect and they make mistakes and I just didn't want to be the kind of person that hates people for that. Do you think that was the wrong thing to say??
Then I changed the subject and we talked about pizza of all things. I am really trying to keep a PMA and keep busy and try not to think about this drama all the time.
He texted me last night and said he just wanted to be alone right now because he has a lot of thinking to do. I am really afraid he will do something stupid. I did tell him that he can't put the kids thru that because they are going thru enough.
H won't take any kinds of medicine to help with it and he said he won't talk to anyone. I could not be doing any of this without the medicine my doctor thankfully put me on for now. He lectured me a while back about getting hooked on drugs like Xanax and anti depressants. . Really maybe somebody should have told the JW that you think?? Kept my mouth shut though. I get bonus points for that right : )
He said something like how it's all bad things happening to him and not the changes he wanted or something like that. I said then make other changes and he said I did that already and look where I am at.
He seems to be thinking a lot lately and maybe not liking where he is at. I know that is mind reading. I know better.
But then a few days ago he brought our daughter some colored pencils(she likes to draw) and our son a magazine he likes. He has never done things like that. And yesterday he brought me some lemon candy that I really like. What??? No wonder I am just about crazy.
So I am still plugging away but I have to not get sucked into this-- whatever this thing is-- he is in. Did that make any sense??
Off to try and get some sleep. That has been so hard lately. Okay enough whining. Take care my good friends.
