Bklyn

[BklynMom]

Thanks guys. It helps to know that I am normal and not insane! Thank you.

Kids are almost asleep, ... I think.

The "problem" is we are supposed to be on vacation! we are in upstate new York at my parents summer house. The activities I planned involved too much of me with the kids. I dont have any friends up here but this weekend will be better, my cousins and their kids are coming up.

I also know part of my reaction today has to do with my mom coming up for a an overnight visit. I have a lot of issues with her that still need to be worked on in therapy, Alanon and here.

[golf mom]

BMom, I remember the long days with toddlers/preschoolers. I thought I would lose my mind at times. I can understand the helplessness and hopelessness of doing it all alone. This isn't the way it's suppose to be, is it? You want a partner to share the joys and burdens of raising a family. Even though my kids are older it's still tough and very lonely. I'm tired. We need someone to love and care for us so we can be the best moms that we can be. Sure, logistically we can do this alone, but two loving parents is so much better. That may be in the future, but you need help now. Can you afford to hire someone to help you at home even for a few hours a week? There may be a retired person who could use a little extra money and would love to spend time with you and the girls while also helping around the house and giving you support. Think about the type of help you need most and what's feasible so that you don't feel so alone.

[Underdog]

BMom,

Found you! And it turns out you're probably near where my D19 is headed in 2 weeks. She goes to an engineering school in wayyyyyy upstate NY, but is heading to her roomie's vacation house on Lake Ontario first.

Anyway, I'm going to have to read your backstory first. Maybe tomorrow if I get a few minutes to myself.

But I could not help wanting to address your plea over on AD's thread. Unless your H is a complete narcissist or sociopath, I'm going to encourage you to encourage him to partake more in parenting responsibilities. It's good for all of you, especially you. Your children are just way too small for you to have to bear that burden alone. My kids were 8 and 5 when their dad left. And my youngest is a special needs kid. I had to make it easy for him to pick them. It often meant I had to check my feelings at the door.

Let me do a little reading to see how you've progressed through the crap. It's really hard, isn't it? Im grateful that I can co-parent with him. Next week we have 2 doctor appointments with D16 - I get the naggy nephrologist, who always scolds me for her not drinking enough, and he gets a 4 hour EEG. Neither is easy or convenient! Then in September one of us gets the 2-for-1 special: anesthesia for a brain MRI and oral surgery to remove 4 impacted wisdom teeth. Guess who's probably going to draw that straw??? She's probably going to want me anyway...

Get some sleep, OK? I remember how difficult it was on top of sleep deprivation.

Take care-

Betsey

[Verum]

BMom, hang in there. It is difficult with young kids. Find joy where you can. Demand that H assumes some responsibility for their care. In this area I think you should stand strong.

[BklynMom]

Thanks guys for all your love and support.

GM, for the past 2 years since bomb I have been very generous with myself in getting help around the house and babysitting. I thought it was time to try to save a little money since this past year STBX and I have really dug into our savings. You are right I need help to keep my sanity and be a good mom.

Underdog thanks so much for your feedback. I am probably not as far north as your daughter but still glad to be out of the city during this heat wave insanity. If your D is in the school I am thinking that is a great school.

I just had an email exchanged with STBX where I asked him to take charge more of stuff with the kids I will post those exchanges here when I can. Almost every time I exchange emails with him I cry. I am still hurt so deeply that he would choose this path.

My recent response to him did make me feel better, it did not take the pain away but it did make me feel strong and that even though I can't control him coming home I can ask for other things and I can take other steps to help my girls.

SA, you are so right to enjoy the good times. The other day was a hard hard day but my girls and I have been having an awesome summer so far. They are both so darn cute. I am so so lucky.

even though their whinning does make me nuts I also am effected because I start judging myself as a bad mom when they whine. I think that if I was good mom they would be well behaved. I have to work on these sabotaging ideas that float around in my head.

Thanks for the love guys

[BklynMom]

These are the email exchanges with STBX today:::

STBX writes:

Bklyn

I am all for mediation. The document your dad (my lawyer) received was sent before his email to Dan (His lawyer), and it was only sent because we had to submit a proposed parenting plan to the court. And that was all it was, a proposal, like if I had everything my way, that is how I'd like it.

I found a mediator who I think can work out. I spoke with him Monday on the phone and told him i would give you his info and ask you to reach out to him and see if you're comfortable using him as the mediator. His name is MEDIATOR

I haven't been able to go through the financial plan your father sent yet, but I will before we sit down with the mediator and would love to only have to hash out the financial side of things. (How can the mediator only do the financials if the parenting agreement he resent is completely different then the one we agreed to a few months ago?)


Please let me know if MEDIATOR works for you.

My response:

Thanks for finding someone. I will call MEDIATOR today but I am just curious he is a lawyer so what is he going to do different?

Also your parenting proposal asks for things we already agreed to like the kids would not live at your house even if I was working.

I feel like you are asking for more then you want as a negotiating tactic where as I am just asking for what is fair for the girls. I agreed to everything you asked when we went to the dinner and now you are asking for more parenting time. STBX, you don't take all of your allotted time with the girls, you don't take any initiative in there school or extras circulars, you rarely call, when I ask you to help watch the kids when I Am working you accuse me of using you as a babysitter, ... Why then are you asking for more

I would love for you to be more involved. If you want to pick the extra ciriculars for the fall, I know this yeAr D4 and D3 will be able to be in the same gymnastics class or find a soccer program they could both do, or if you want to be in charge of the doctor check ups or dentists appointments.

Even though I don't want a co parenting schedule meaning a open schedule based on our current job I do want a co-parent and I know the girls miss you especially Lucy.

I am always open to schedule changes on a as needed basis please do not hesitate to ask for more time with the girls.

bklyn

sent from my idevice

--
Now that I am rereading what I wrote it seems so harsh and not written enough in a nice tone. I guess its hard to find a perfect medium. I think I did a good job not perfect but the best I could.

[Underdog]

Hi there Brooklyn,

I had a mediated divorce. Although they are lawyers, they bill at a lower rate and their sole job is to broker agreement between two parties. If it works the way it's designed, you have give and take.

That being said...

Your XH definitely needs to reassess what being a parent is all about. At their age, some of it IS babysitting. But if you are accurate in what you replied, he's getting off easy. He definitely needs to manage doctor appointments and extra curricular stuff. I requested 2 nights a week as well as every other weekend. We do a lot of swapping here but we are way past the point of doing things by the book and keeping score. That way, I wasn't doing all the tedious stuff during the school week when everything is just hard.

So if you are able to use mediation, ask strongly for what you want. And if it works in his favor, ask for compensation somewhere else. We used mediation to do everything, including parenting schedules. So when the divorce was in motion, all our work transferred without issue.

I don't think you were too harsh. He needed to hear what you said. You're now in the hard spot of being pushed into a corner. Make sure you defend yourself and the girls.

Hugs,

Betsey

[Mtnman]

Bklyn I thought your response struck the right tone. You acknowledged his requests but pointed out how his actions are not consistent.

[BklynMom]

Thanks guys for the reassurance.

Just thought I would mention - my day off from the kids ended up being a little challenging. I left my phone on my first train ride back to the city, that train was about 2 hrs late, it was 2000 degrees when I got to NY and I could not buy a water or anything to stay cool I had to walk to my appointment across town no $$ for cab and my metrocard in my wallet. I was still not having a bad time, then I went back to the train and my e-ticket on my phone was for the wrong date. I was ping ponging between customer service and the ticket booth. I almost lost it & starting crying and screaming but then I made a joke to my ticket agent about a customer service guy looking like Walt Frazier (former New York Knick) and I was set - I had a ticket on the next train out of the city.

The tools I learned here keep me from not freaking out and stay cool. My wallet is still missing but I am stilling on a well air conditioned train on my way back to my angels. Thanks for all the love

[adinva]

Yay Bklyn! Good job for noticing and reinforcing how well you deal with life's challenges. You have such great resources!

I was thinking, I know there are a bazillion parenting experts out there but there is one that really changed my outlook when my kids were making me crazy, and surprisingly it now sounds a little similar to db. You might find it helps your state of mind. Take a look around the internet for Celebrate Calm. Kirk Martin travels around doing seminars - the ones I attended were free, offered by my school's PTO and my church. He has CDs that are wonderful to listen to. He has such respect for kids and such compassion for parents and he's very funny. My takeaway was to learn that my kids could have their behavior and their feelings and my feelings could be completely different! I could be happy, calm, and content while they were having a meltdown or going berserk because their feelings were not my feelings! That was a paradigm shift. When you say you feel like a bad mom because they're whining, I think of Kirk and how he'd help change that thought pattern.