One giant leap forward! - Part 2

[T1000]

I emailed this to W this morning, it's an edited version of what adinva said so it sounded more like me:

Wife, I don't know how you got the idea that I didn't care to see my kids because that couldn't be any further from the truth. I went out of my way to let you have them last weekend because I thought that was what you wanted. I have missed my babies everyday and I have been counting down the days this week until I saw them again.

We can work on a more specific agreement so we can have a clearer arrangement, until then I am letting you know that I want to see them every single weekend. If anything happens that require us to make a change for a particular weekend, I will let you know and you could let me know at least 24 hours in advance.

Regarding the plans you have made this weekend, I would still like my time with them too. Please let me know what times are available for me to see them this weekend so I can make plans.

Thanks,
T1000

[T1000]

We are supposed to keep the road home paved and smooth. Looking at a lot of the things that have happened in my sitch if I had shared the info with friends and family they would really hate my W.

Now this weekend it looks like I won't get the kids. They all know I'm dying to see them and was looking forward it.
How am I supposed to hide this?

[Fartiltre]

T,

I am so sorry reading about what happens in your sit these days. It must be awful going through this!

Unfortunately I haven’t got much advice to offer you but do look into your own believes for a second. Do remember yourself in all of this!

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

All the best!

F

[T1000]

W responded:

You can pick them up and have them this weekend but you wont be having them every weekend in the future. I think two weekends at yours and then one at mine is what is going to be happening. Feel free to challenge me on it as you'll be lucky to get every other weekend through the courts.

I don't know if it was the email, her having time to cool down, me wanting them every weekend, me saying I missed them or something else but looks like I will get them this weekend.

I would like to say to her that I would want them 3 to her 1.
I need to respond to this email this morning. How should I be?

[T1000]

This is my reply that I haven't sent yet but I will be doing in the next hour or two:

I understand.
I was initially thinking three weekends at mine and one weekend at yours but if you want 2/1 then we can try that.
I will be there for about 15:00.


Should I put a thanks in there? I don't want to but it's not really about that is it.

[Fartiltre]

How about suggesting that you talk about it when you see her.
Skip the mails - talk, listen, validate.
Calm down....I know it is touch but do try.

I still think she is playing you...like Sandi wrote.

Just a thought......

F

[T1000]

I would prefer to do that but like mentioned before the chances of something wrong being said in the moment is much more likely in person. Plus emails keep a paper trail of what was said.

I still think she is playing me to a certain extent. I think she throws out whatever she wants to say to get the required effect at the time.

I am quite calm to be honest, much calmer than I thought I would be.

I am quite cautious of what to do next. I think I should continue through with the solicitor, I am concerned about her reaction into what she will do in return. No doubt she will remove seeing the kids more than every other weekend.

[labug]

Don't try to guess what she's going to do, this is not chess and that's how people end up in crazy messes, each trying to outsmart the other. There is no scorecard.

Stop worrying about whether she's playing you. You only need be concerned about how you respond which should be consistent, dignified and respectful.

I agree about the L. I'd also continue to email because you will most likely not be as calm in her presence and you have a record of what was agreed to.

If you haven't already sent the email, I would just reiterate what this weekend's plan is and tell her you need to think about weekends going forward.

[AnotherStander]

T, it seems pretty clear your W is very angry. Do not forget your validation techniques! When she says something like:

"Yes up until lately you did have the boys at weekends but as you knew things were changing. I never knew you wanted to see them this weekend. I can not just assume you want to see them as you have not once contacted me and like I said, less than 24 hours is not enough notice."

Then your response should be more like:

"I'm sorry, you're right, I should have contacted you sooner. I thought we had previously established a known pattern, but it's clear to me now that you weren't thinking the same thing. I can see why you would find that frustrating. I would like to suggest the following as the future schedule, let me know what you think:"

The idea is to defuse her anger as quickly as possible. When I read your response it sounded very antagonistic to me. Especially this:

"The kids have a right to see me. They didn't get to see me last weekend because you wanted them."

Sounds like you're wielding the kids as a weapon against her, like she's withholding them from you. Plus you imply that time spent with you is BETTER for them than time spent with her. I don't see anything in her comments to indicate that she's preventing you from seeing them, she's just PO'd that you made assumptions and didn't communicate with her. First and foremost, diffuse her anger! Do that and the negotiations will be much more peaceful.

[T1000]

T, it seems pretty clear your W is very angry. Do not forget your validation techniques! When she says something like:

"Yes up until lately you did have the boys at weekends but as you knew things were changing. I never knew you wanted to see them this weekend. I can not just assume you want to see them as you have not once contacted me and like I said, less than 24 hours is not enough notice."

Then your response should be more like:

"I'm sorry, you're right, I should have contacted you sooner. I thought we had previously established a known pattern, but it's clear to me now that you weren't thinking the same thing. I can see why you would find that frustrating. I would like to suggest the following as the future schedule, let me know what you think:"

The idea is to defuse her anger as quickly as possible. When I read your response it sounded very antagonistic to me. Especially this:

"The kids have a right to see me. They didn't get to see me last weekend because you wanted them."

Sounds like you're wielding the kids as a weapon against her, like she's withholding them from you. Plus you imply that time spent with you is BETTER for them than time spent with her. I don't see anything in her comments to indicate that she's preventing you from seeing them, she's just PO'd that you made assumptions and didn't communicate with her. First and foremost, diffuse her anger! Do that and the negotiations will be much more peaceful.

I was very unsure whether to validate things she says right now. I think it would put me in a worse/weaker position. If I understand Sandi correctly I can't afford to look weak. She was just being awkward to get to me.


If I apologize when she is being unreasonable isn't that saying her behaviour is acceptable?

At one point I did use the kids against her to hopefully wake her up to what she was doing.