Need help detaching

[lost_hope]

Thanks BKS so very much. I need to hear this. I know I am failing miserably at detaching but the worst part about it is so does he. Next time he upsets me I think I will just quietly put on some clothes and go downstairs to my condo library. If I can manage that that will be a huge 180 b.c he does still affect me. I am either upset and crying/yelling/questioning or asking (to no avail) what's wrong or sulking and sad all based on how he approaches me. And this is an almost everyday thing so I've got to figure out how to power through and deal with it.

I have some questions about the proper method of detaching. Was it ok today that I just took out my own sandwich and went upstairs to eat? (I didn't want to risk another "don't touch my food" episode like I have the plague or something). Or should I have just eaten downstairs with him and tried to be light and airy, while letting him still take out his own sandwich?

In the mornings I drive him to the train station. I am not a morning person, but I am even quieter than normal because I don't want to say the wrong thing to make him upset. Should I make more effort in the morning (a complaint of his though I don't know exactly how I am to change the fact that I simply do not like mornings ???)

Also do I make extra effort with things he complains about around the house? For instance I am sitting at the kitchen island typing. I just finished eating a piece of cake. He hates it when he comes home and there's empty dishes in front of me, like he thinks I should immediately get up and put it in the sink when my default is to put it in the sink the next time I get up. If he comes home and sees me on the computer with the empty dish he will either visibly get upset or not necessarily show me he is but we both know what he's thinking. So is part of "acting as if" and detaching not caring to run around trying to make things perfect for him. Or should I try to preempt it by taking care of the things he complains about as much as possible? (It's never going to be enough, if I put away the dish he will be upset b/c i didn't put the babies things or boxes that I'm packing for our move in exactly the right spot he thinks they should be in).

Also, in general is it better to detach a bit with distance (either in the home or by doing things after work/GAL outside) or do I stay put and actively try harder when he is around to be more cheerful?

These may seem like silly questions but I genuinely don't know how to approach them. I would appreciate your feedback and others as well. Thanks in advance.