Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[Underdog]

La, I've been th git er done person myself. I forgot to tell you that my XH told people after he filed, "I gave her the divorce she wanted." WTF? It just goes to show you the lies they tell to convince themselves because the truth hurts too much.

For the record, I finally broke the P/A cycle by teaching him how to disagree with me. I didn't punish him for telling me what I didn't want to hear. Slowly he turned that boat around. But in the beginning, I think he said no just to say no, even if it hurt his girls. After a steady diet of being a jerk, I think he didn't like how he felt... Particularly if it disappointed the girls. I let the consequences play out and he reformed himself.

AD, sigh. Big a$$ sigh. Mine didn't like people thinking he was a jerk either. I hated the show too. It especially made me resentful because I was making the bigger sacrifices and eating a steady diet of crow. I can tell you in the end it's worthwhile.

But the key is working on the bitterness and resentment continually. Just remember that you DO have choices. You always have the option to pull the cord and get off the train. I'm not suggesting you do that - only you can do that. But I think it's helpful to have that be your mantra.

That's exactly what I was thinking about the socks thing. LOL I'm sure your S15 was not so nice in his thoughts. My D19 would have been right there with him.

I'll have to come back because I'm on my D16's iPad and she wants it back. Plus I have to finish dinner.

But before I go, I felt all the things you did. I hated the weaseling and I hated being cheerful while I was getting duped. But in the end I'm really REALLY happy I took the path I did. My D19 hardly has any memories of the early days.

Don't feel bad asking him to step up the plate to co-parent. You need it and so do the boys. Don't punish him if he doesn't - the consequences will fall out naturally and you won't feel like the biatch either. I promise you they will. The positive here is that you H IS concerned how people see him. That might be the lifeline he has to staying afloat and rejoining the human race.

I'm telling you it worked out for me. I was friends with my XH before we dated, and he didn't like our friends constantly telling him he was a d1ck. He just didn't like being that person. I eventually heard all the words the LBS thinks they want to hear. But they no longer held the appeal. In fact, last fall I was having a tough time with our D19 being away at college in NY. We were missing her volleyball matches and I was really feeling low. One night I got a text from him.. One that made me cry. He told me, "I've felt that way all along since I left home, and it is hard. I know now that this is a consequence for my choice. But I want to reassure you that she's doing well because of you. You were the one there for her all along, and you did a great job. I could have never picked a better mother for my girls than you, and I want you to know how I feel. Thank you."

I bawled on and off all night. He had been telling our D19 and friends this all along, but it was the first time he told me. That meant everything. It still does.

I can give you a few mental tips on the bitterness thing. It goes hand in hand with forgiveness. You're a quick study, so I think you'll do fine.

Take care-

Betsey