One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

H left last night for his business trip. He got home a bit later than I would have thought and he had to rush around to get packed. I made a nice dinner and he was worried when he walked in that he had missed it. After he was done packing, he came out and I did a double-take. He had shaved. My face fell and I couldn't mask the emotions. It's a trigger. The beard represents the BD, when he started growing it. The shaving represents that he is doing it for someone else, not for me, not for family pictures. He wouldn't shave it for anything, but he is doing it for someone else.

He said if I was going to have that reaction he wouldn't shave again, that he thought I liked it. He kept asking, "Don't you like this?" I would say yes, I do, it's not that. And then he would say, "You like it a little scruffy, right?" And for the first time in 9 months I actually commented on his facial hair, and said no, I didn't like the scruff or any facial hair. I haven't said anything, although his mother and lots of other people have no problem telling him it looks terrible. Said he thought he should shave for this business trip. I know better. He kept wanting to know why it upset me. I finally told him, "I'm not talking to you about this." And he was shocked. Maybe it's the realization that there are things I don't talk to him about or won't talk to him about, where before I would tell him absolutely everything. I hugged him a few times during this, saying "sorry for the reactions. It looks really nice," and he would stiffen, and I would pull away, and he would grab me and pull me back in.

Two key comments from him:

He said, "If it makes you feel better, this is not me. And the beard, that is not me either. Nothing is me."

When he would not let up about why the shaving was bothering me, I said, "It's a trigger. I'm having a hard time with this trip and the shaving is just a trigger for me. I'm sorry." A few minutes later he said, "I'm sorry that I don't see how things are affecting you. I'm sorry that I only see myself, that I can't see what is going on with you or around me."

We had a nice dinner and watched a quick tv show with the kids. I was good, back to happy me and game mode, but I was having a hard time looking at him. Then he had to leave. He kissed all the kids goodbye, told them he loved them, and said see ya later and walked out the door. I didn't look at him. He then came back. He didn't say a word. He hugged me tight, long hug, and left. I sent him a text about 20 mins later. He sent me a bunch of game requests while waiting for his flight to take off, and send me a text saying he has landed, but I haven't talked to him or interacted with him. I just need a break and knowing that an OW2 hookup is likely to be happening tonight, I just need to get myself completely out of the picture. This has been building up in my mind, this impending trip and sealing of the full physical affair with OW2.