One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

Hmm but the phone games are daily. I think the ow contact through texting is daily too. The only trigger I can think of of my doing on Saturday was posting a "I believe" comment to FB. He left soon after he saw that. This one is hard to see patterns.

Give me some examples of what it would look like? What things to try? I was of the mindset that not much of what I did mattered in this.

What is interesting to me is he did end it with all of them at one point. Then he went back in as f buddies. I do journal events, but I don't know what is pulling thing in his head. I can't see differences but maybe because I'm not doing much different? I was very aloof for a long time, but at snodderly, AJ, and T's advise (and following my heart), I started responding to more and saying yes to more, which meant he started inviting me to more and doing more at home.

[complicated]

Raine, I think unless you have gone through mlc with someone you don't REALLY understand it. Honestly until I started reading up on it I just thought it was a sports car and getting fit. I had no idea it was this involved.

Wow. OW1 seems like quite the prize. When they say they affair down they aren't kidding. lol

If he is starting to see the light he has to be thinking what the he!! am I doing? OW1 vs Raine? No contest.

I think Wonka has a good idea. Sometimes though I don't think anything they do has a rhyme or reason. My h told someone yeah I'm mean to complicated. I don't know why. Seriously? Why would you be mean to someone for no known reason? Because they're crazy.

Good luck. Just keep being you!

[Raine]

Ah Raine, he is spiraling, starting to lose it a bit. It is all catching up with him, all getting to him.

I'm thinking that you are going to see some stuff. Some anger, maybe, some fear.

Time for you to dig in here. Get out the shovel.

You can do this. We are here.

Thank you so much for being here for me. He is spiraling. I don't think it has much to do with anything other than timing and outside pressures. Perhaps pressure from OW. Perhaps the need to run again and feeling stuck here. I've tried to make that very clear to him. He does not have to stay here because his parents are coming. They can stay here and be with the boys no matter what. But it's happening in a bad way. The thing that is different this time is he is talking to me about what is going on. Not everything, but a lot. And some of it is very eye opening.

Sometimes I feel like they can only hold it together for so long, then BANG - they revert back to craziness. I do believe though, that it's all part of them working their way through. They're going to be up, down, and all around.

I've come to believe rock bottom may not be such a bad destination for these guys. Maybe after visiting there, they'll be ready to work their way back.

I think so to T. I don't think there is anything really that is causing this to happen, other than he has not found a way to cope with real life and continues to rely on fake happiness to get him through. But that fake happiness comes with a price, and a nagging, and expectations. I want him to hit rock bottom so bad, to the point I want to give up and walk away. I feel like he can't hit that until he has lost me. But I don't want to manipulate anything either. That phone call was very telling. I know I am his one. I know that for sure. But I also know he is not capable of being with his one. And the question is will he ever get himself together so he can? Cause this chick is ready for life to get moving! It's not that I can't wait, but I feel like I'm held back by all I want to do and can't.

It is so hard when they are moving along a little and then backing up a little. But each time they are moving a little farther forward, and a little less backward. And you are there as the rock all the time.

He is still powerfully connected with you. He needs you and wants you. But there's a lot of garbage in his head still.

Thank you so much rH for this. I agree there is a lot of garbage in his head right now. I am trying to stay out of the way. I feel like I need a break, and he probably does too. Somethings are moving too fast for even me, and so it must be making him spin. I think we both need a breather to recognize what is going on. I do think it helps me to know. My imagination is much worse than reality, as I have tended to post about in the past. It's when I get caught off guard that I can't hold it together. If I can know and prepare, then I can keep my emotions together. I have already dealt with it privately. Something happened that was super minor and it caused too much of a reaction. Although, it caused him to really open up too.

oh Raine, I"m sorry, I wrote this long message to you Saturday that seems to have disappeared. Maybe not -- after my H and his first EA broke up after 2 years, he was horribly withdrawn and depressed for almost a year. But I think this (knowing how much your H loves you) will help you to stand.

Dang Linda! I love your posts Sorry that one got lost. It's hard to see them mourning over the loss of something like that. Makes you wonder...do they ever mourn for us? Maybe not now, but I think they would. Right you and I are still safe. But even a moment of thinking they have lost us can send them way, way down.

I think we usually know when something is up Raine. But I think what is key is the phone message that he didn't know you heard. This latest conversation still points to a lot of confusion in him.

At least it seems like he is starting to see the light and he may be afraid of losing you.

I know what you mean Raine, I'm really tired too. I'm exhausted. I keep telling myself I'm doing this for my kids.

...

Wow. OW1 seems like quite the prize. When they say they affair down they aren't kidding. lol

My h told someone yeah I'm mean to complicated. I don't know why. Seriously? Why would you be mean to someone for no known reason? Because they're crazy.

Hey Complicated! Thank you for being here. I'm sorry you are in this mess too. I agree there is a lot of confusion in my H. He is got himself in both rooms, holding on to all the ropes. It must be extremely tiring, especially since he can't sleep either. My H hasn't blamed me for the affair, but did blame his leaving and all of our problems on me. At one point he said that even he couldn't manage to pin all this on me. He knows it's him. At some point they have to recognize that. Otherwise they will continue to be enabled as the victim.

All of these OW are "Zonks." I find in life we go where we are comfortable. Even if H could get a great woman, I don't think he would. He feels like crap. He treats people like crap. I think he goes for women who are okay with that. He doesn't need more guilt. He goes for women who are already used to being used. Maybe not consciously, but that's what it seems like to me. I don't think any of us would be comfortable in a relationship with someone who we thought was far superior to us in every way. And I think he feels that about me right now. I don't think it's true, but he has said it. So if he is so low and doing such lowly things, he couldn't feel comfortable being in a relationship with me. He needs to bring himself up.

I think your H is mean because of the pain. When someone is hurting, they tend to hurt others. When they feel down, they want to bring others down too. It's the whole I'll feel better about myself if I can make everyone else feel like me. (H and I actually had a pretty good convo about this a few weeks ago.)

[I'm thinking your H doesn't want to lose you. So any actions that you take that make it seem like you might not be there for him, will tend to draw him closer. This is one reason GAL helps and being mysterious helps.

Hiya SailingAlone! Thanks for being here. You know the GAL and mysterious helped me cope a ton. I don't know what it did for him and how much he noticed while he was in la la land, but doesn't matter. It's how I survived. I can do that. I can ignore him and that makes life really easy. But being both, being the "GAL" gal and the supportive lighthouse, with the tidbits of reconnection and balancing it all, that is draining.

I've learned I got to follow my heart on this one. There is a road map as a guide, but all in all, I got to follow what feels right. So far I feel like I've done it right. Looking at now and 9 months ago, wow, I got it right, for me, for him, for us, for the kids. There was a lot of missteps, but he is home. He is talking to me. He is tied to me more than any other person. I gotta keep going and keep pushing past the "done" feeling.

[Raine]

H left last night for his business trip. He got home a bit later than I would have thought and he had to rush around to get packed. I made a nice dinner and he was worried when he walked in that he had missed it. After he was done packing, he came out and I did a double-take. He had shaved. My face fell and I couldn't mask the emotions. It's a trigger. The beard represents the BD, when he started growing it. The shaving represents that he is doing it for someone else, not for me, not for family pictures. He wouldn't shave it for anything, but he is doing it for someone else.

He said if I was going to have that reaction he wouldn't shave again, that he thought I liked it. He kept asking, "Don't you like this?" I would say yes, I do, it's not that. And then he would say, "You like it a little scruffy, right?" And for the first time in 9 months I actually commented on his facial hair, and said no, I didn't like the scruff or any facial hair. I haven't said anything, although his mother and lots of other people have no problem telling him it looks terrible. Said he thought he should shave for this business trip. I know better. He kept wanting to know why it upset me. I finally told him, "I'm not talking to you about this." And he was shocked. Maybe it's the realization that there are things I don't talk to him about or won't talk to him about, where before I would tell him absolutely everything. I hugged him a few times during this, saying "sorry for the reactions. It looks really nice," and he would stiffen, and I would pull away, and he would grab me and pull me back in.

Two key comments from him:

He said, "If it makes you feel better, this is not me. And the beard, that is not me either. Nothing is me."

When he would not let up about why the shaving was bothering me, I said, "It's a trigger. I'm having a hard time with this trip and the shaving is just a trigger for me. I'm sorry." A few minutes later he said, "I'm sorry that I don't see how things are affecting you. I'm sorry that I only see myself, that I can't see what is going on with you or around me."

We had a nice dinner and watched a quick tv show with the kids. I was good, back to happy me and game mode, but I was having a hard time looking at him. Then he had to leave. He kissed all the kids goodbye, told them he loved them, and said see ya later and walked out the door. I didn't look at him. He then came back. He didn't say a word. He hugged me tight, long hug, and left. I sent him a text about 20 mins later. He sent me a bunch of game requests while waiting for his flight to take off, and send me a text saying he has landed, but I haven't talked to him or interacted with him. I just need a break and knowing that an OW2 hookup is likely to be happening tonight, I just need to get myself completely out of the picture. This has been building up in my mind, this impending trip and sealing of the full physical affair with OW2.

[complicated]

Raine, why are you so convinced that he is seeing OW2? He really does seem like he is coming around. I'm sure that he doesn't realize the triggers, just like he said. They don't remember the things that they have done in the past.

It is interesting that you think my h is being mean to me because he is in pain. He thought that I would go off on him when I was mad to ruin his day so he would not be happy either. That wasn't it at all. I did it because he would tell the kids something then leave and leave me holding the bag with them. So you may be right there. But, he probably doesn't even remember saying that to our friend.

How long is h going to be away on his business trip? Don't think the worst. Remember what they say, it is never the way we think it is so don't let your mind wander.

[uRworthy]

Raine, you are so intuitive. I think you are spot on in your observations.

While there is a thread that runs through everyone's situation, they are all different, too.

You must do this in your own way. As you've said, you've done pretty well so far.

It is a fine line you are walking and I am sure it is so draining.

But I think it is a line you have to walk in order to come out the other side.

I dont think pulling away is the answer for you, nor do I think moving closer is.

It is not unusual for you to feel about done during these draining times.

It is important for you to take a breath and figure out how to move forward.

I do think that he is spiraling. I think he is scared and feeling squeezed.

You should probably let him sit with his thoughts a bit more so he can figure some stuff out.

So, my friend, I think you have come so far on this difficult journey. I do not think you are "done" by any means.

I think you just need to regroup a bit and remember why you "stood" for so long.

I feel that your sitch will have a happy ending.

I also feel that you can do this. In fact, I know you can.

[uRworthy]

Raine, I wrote my post before seeing your second one.

Are you sure he is seeing OW?

You are right, I think right now you need to pull back. You are not in a place to deal with this with him at this time.

Hang in there.

[Raine]

uR, yeah, he is, unless something changes. He is in such a funky place though that I have no clue what the outcome will be. He could sleep with her, he could tell her he needs to never speak to her again. Either is possible in my mind. The plan was to sleep with her, but a lot has been going on with him since that plan was put into play. In someways I feel like he needs to. He needs to make all the notches and not have any could have, should have, would haves.

I haven't messaged him in any way, or responded to his landed safely text. I'm not playing games with him either. I'm not on Facebook. Not posting, not liking things. I'm on a break.

[RosaLinda]

"he came out and I did a double-take. He had shaved. My face fell and I couldn't mask the emotions. It's a trigger. The beard represents the BD, when he started growing it. The shaving represents that he is doing it for someone else, not for me, not for family pictures. He wouldn't shave it for anything, but he is doing it for someone else.... an OW2 hookup is likely to be happening tonight, I just need to get myself completely out of the picture. This has been building up in my mind, this impending trip and sealing of the full physical affair with OW2."

Oh Raine, I hope this isn't true. You know your H best - why would shaving indicate initiation of a PA with OW2 when his beard represents BD to you? As uR would say, you're getting ahead of yourself. 

But even if you're not, remember rH's sitch. They progressed from our usual one step forward-two steps back to two steps forward-one step back. But now are just progressing forward. 

Hang in there honey. You know he loves you. He's doing what he needs to do right now. Hopefully he will remember how he felt when you were gone and make the right decision. 

[uRworthy]

Yes, with MLC, they need to see it through in order to come out the other side. And if it is interrupted, the risk is that they have to go back and go through again.

So, time to take care and do what is best for you, Raine.

And if that means taking a break, then that is what you should do.