One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

Ah Raine, he is spiraling, starting to lose it a bit. It is all catching up with him, all getting to him.

I'm thinking that you are going to see some stuff. Some anger, maybe, some fear.

Time for you to dig in here. Get out the shovel.

You can do this. We are here.

Thank you so much for being here for me. He is spiraling. I don't think it has much to do with anything other than timing and outside pressures. Perhaps pressure from OW. Perhaps the need to run again and feeling stuck here. I've tried to make that very clear to him. He does not have to stay here because his parents are coming. They can stay here and be with the boys no matter what. But it's happening in a bad way. The thing that is different this time is he is talking to me about what is going on. Not everything, but a lot. And some of it is very eye opening.

Sometimes I feel like they can only hold it together for so long, then BANG - they revert back to craziness. I do believe though, that it's all part of them working their way through. They're going to be up, down, and all around.

I've come to believe rock bottom may not be such a bad destination for these guys. Maybe after visiting there, they'll be ready to work their way back.

I think so to T. I don't think there is anything really that is causing this to happen, other than he has not found a way to cope with real life and continues to rely on fake happiness to get him through. But that fake happiness comes with a price, and a nagging, and expectations. I want him to hit rock bottom so bad, to the point I want to give up and walk away. I feel like he can't hit that until he has lost me. But I don't want to manipulate anything either. That phone call was very telling. I know I am his one. I know that for sure. But I also know he is not capable of being with his one. And the question is will he ever get himself together so he can? Cause this chick is ready for life to get moving! It's not that I can't wait, but I feel like I'm held back by all I want to do and can't.

It is so hard when they are moving along a little and then backing up a little. But each time they are moving a little farther forward, and a little less backward. And you are there as the rock all the time.

He is still powerfully connected with you. He needs you and wants you. But there's a lot of garbage in his head still.

Thank you so much rH for this. I agree there is a lot of garbage in his head right now. I am trying to stay out of the way. I feel like I need a break, and he probably does too. Somethings are moving too fast for even me, and so it must be making him spin. I think we both need a breather to recognize what is going on. I do think it helps me to know. My imagination is much worse than reality, as I have tended to post about in the past. It's when I get caught off guard that I can't hold it together. If I can know and prepare, then I can keep my emotions together. I have already dealt with it privately. Something happened that was super minor and it caused too much of a reaction. Although, it caused him to really open up too.

oh Raine, I"m sorry, I wrote this long message to you Saturday that seems to have disappeared. Maybe not -- after my H and his first EA broke up after 2 years, he was horribly withdrawn and depressed for almost a year. But I think this (knowing how much your H loves you) will help you to stand.

Dang Linda! I love your posts Sorry that one got lost. It's hard to see them mourning over the loss of something like that. Makes you wonder...do they ever mourn for us? Maybe not now, but I think they would. Right you and I are still safe. But even a moment of thinking they have lost us can send them way, way down.

I think we usually know when something is up Raine. But I think what is key is the phone message that he didn't know you heard. This latest conversation still points to a lot of confusion in him.

At least it seems like he is starting to see the light and he may be afraid of losing you.

I know what you mean Raine, I'm really tired too. I'm exhausted. I keep telling myself I'm doing this for my kids.

...

Wow. OW1 seems like quite the prize. When they say they affair down they aren't kidding. lol

My h told someone yeah I'm mean to complicated. I don't know why. Seriously? Why would you be mean to someone for no known reason? Because they're crazy.

Hey Complicated! Thank you for being here. I'm sorry you are in this mess too. I agree there is a lot of confusion in my H. He is got himself in both rooms, holding on to all the ropes. It must be extremely tiring, especially since he can't sleep either. My H hasn't blamed me for the affair, but did blame his leaving and all of our problems on me. At one point he said that even he couldn't manage to pin all this on me. He knows it's him. At some point they have to recognize that. Otherwise they will continue to be enabled as the victim.

All of these OW are "Zonks." I find in life we go where we are comfortable. Even if H could get a great woman, I don't think he would. He feels like crap. He treats people like crap. I think he goes for women who are okay with that. He doesn't need more guilt. He goes for women who are already used to being used. Maybe not consciously, but that's what it seems like to me. I don't think any of us would be comfortable in a relationship with someone who we thought was far superior to us in every way. And I think he feels that about me right now. I don't think it's true, but he has said it. So if he is so low and doing such lowly things, he couldn't feel comfortable being in a relationship with me. He needs to bring himself up.

I think your H is mean because of the pain. When someone is hurting, they tend to hurt others. When they feel down, they want to bring others down too. It's the whole I'll feel better about myself if I can make everyone else feel like me. (H and I actually had a pretty good convo about this a few weeks ago.)

[I'm thinking your H doesn't want to lose you. So any actions that you take that make it seem like you might not be there for him, will tend to draw him closer. This is one reason GAL helps and being mysterious helps.

Hiya SailingAlone! Thanks for being here. You know the GAL and mysterious helped me cope a ton. I don't know what it did for him and how much he noticed while he was in la la land, but doesn't matter. It's how I survived. I can do that. I can ignore him and that makes life really easy. But being both, being the "GAL" gal and the supportive lighthouse, with the tidbits of reconnection and balancing it all, that is draining.

I've learned I got to follow my heart on this one. There is a road map as a guide, but all in all, I got to follow what feels right. So far I feel like I've done it right. Looking at now and 9 months ago, wow, I got it right, for me, for him, for us, for the kids. There was a lot of missteps, but he is home. He is talking to me. He is tied to me more than any other person. I gotta keep going and keep pushing past the "done" feeling.