Things with work have been crazy this past week! My old position was eliminated and last week was my first week in my new position and I had to work with my new boss two days in a row last week. I survived and I think that the new boss will work out.
AS for development with my sitch. I don't know what to think! This is new territory for me. I'm not in a crisis anymore (at least I don't think I am) and I'm just in shock. Last week was my first week back after my 3-week work-related absence and my first week at home with my "new" H. I am very anxious and I'm suffering from PTSD I'm sure. My H has been under the weather, tired and a bit cranky (nothing compared to the alien stuff, though). Every time he makes a sarcastic comment or says he wants to rest and be alone, my intestines get all twisted and my pulse races. I immediately get transported in time back to the alien invasion. I just act "as if", it goes away and then I realize that the aliens are not really here anymore. I guess I'm learning that this piecing business comes with it's own set of challenges.
On the positive side, my H is really trying hard. We haven't had any R discussions at all (I'm so terrified) but I can tell by his actions that he chooses his words carefully to show that things are different. For example, he is careful to call the bedroom where the alien slept the "guest" room vs "his" room. He is careful to mention the things that we bought on our trip to the Czech Republic as "ours". He thanks me for little things that I do. Things are nice around here.
But then the ugly neurotic monster shows itself and I start to wonder. Things are not that different today from what they were three months ago and yet, back then, he was saying that our life was a mess. The only things that are different are in his perception. Our life is pretty much the same and so I worry that his perception will change again and he will tell me he's leaving again because he hasn't said that he's not leaving. See how I drive myself crazy!
I was reading my old posts and I realized that there was a direct correlation between his alien behavior and the presence of OW. Everytime she was back in the picture, he would get ugly. Is there anything I can do to prevent this from ever happening again with her or with someone else? Do I just accept the fact that there is always this threat out there or can I affair-proof my M? I averted a dissaster by learning DB, now I have to rebuild a strong R with H.
I'm wondering now if it will ever be appropriate to talk about what happened with H. I won't push the issue, but there is a side of me that would like for him to know that I'm not a fool and I knew what was going on. I think that he believes that he got away with something. For now I realize that my "as if" attitude has gotten me far and may have been the strongest factor in saving my M, so I won't rock the boat yet.
I will continue with the attitude that, if my H is going to have another A, then it's going to be with me!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
