Hi there Betsey! Thanks for popping in and giving me some solid food for thought. I appreciate your time. I read your stuff frequently on another forum here and always enjoy your insights.
Labug, thanks too! You and I seem to have moved away from the rocky shores and rough waves into the great vast ocean and the day to day doesn't change a lot. It's nice to have something to talk about here now and then.
So, I will allow H to figure out how and when to vacation with the boys and I will just keep out of it, huh? That's the consensus? Hmm. It would be easier if he would say "I am going to do this and I am going to do that, and YOU will have a break for once, is that timing OK with you?" lol. So I would be clear on his intention. I still wrestle with the wish that we could have family time all four of us, and be amicable and all, for the good of the kids. That's why I get my imagination going trying to figure out if I'd be inviting myself along or if that's what he preferred or.... Anyway, no point in worrying too much about this hypothetical vacation.
A lot of what you said Betsey rang true, especially the passive aggressive and just plain passive stuff. But I wasn't like his mom at all. She was like a scraping and bowing yes-man to him, a worshipper and a quiet presence cooking for him and getting out of the way. When I was dating him he lived with her, and used to think it was funny to have friends over and tell them she was his Japanese cleaning lady. ha ha, not so funny now. I had a lot more spunk even when I was in the depths of depression. I think he might have wanted me to be more like her and didn't like that I had a mind of my own. Maybe that's it....
Anyway, also good advice about letting the boys handle their own battles. I'm sure S15 WAS thinking "you're not the boss of me" only with more colorful language, but I've noticed no one says what they think to H because it's just not worth what's coming. I'm trying to model respectfully speaking up against an adult, for them to absorb and practice one day. About the socks thing, my IC thought he was being very intrusive and treating our 15yo like an 8yo, but that I shouldn't necessarily have spoken around him like I did. I could have spoken directly to H then or later about how in my car and on my time I don't want that type of treatment because I don't agree with it and find it very objectionable.
So, what came out of IC today is that I am bitter. I want to work on that. I usually know just the right things to say, but today I wanted to get somewhere so I picked at a scab, emotionally speaking, to share how I really felt about H this past weekend.
I was really annoyed at his leaping-over-coolers-to-hand-everyone-an-ice-cold-soda act. He was being very nice to the lacrosse parents, and I feel unpleasant with the emotion that brings up in me, it's like bile. It's such an old routine, he's a knight in shining armor to the outside world and to those who he vowed to love and honor, he treats us like cr*p. Not that he was this weekend, but he was going way more out of his way to show off to the others what an awesome guy he is.
IC said, "that's manipulative." He's trying to manipulate people's opinion of him, to make them think he's a great guy, when a real great guy wouldn't make such a show of it and would be consistently great even to his family, maybe even above all to his family. His true colors are still there. And she said the boys will see through it too. They will learn that he's just lacking in some areas and they will need to grieve that.
I felt validated having some words to explain my feelings besides just pure I don't know, jealousy or something. I think it's legitimate, but IC mentioned that I shouldn't stop at how I feel about that. She pointed out how sad it is that he is missing such a big part of building his relationships with us, his wife and kids, because of his limitations. So while it is annoying that he snows other people, it is also sad. It is not about me.
After that as we talked about the other stories and events of my weekend in the presence of H, the word bitter came up several times in IC's conversation, and I don't think she does anything without intention. I do think I've done a good job of processing what I've been through and understanding H and getting comfortable in an uncomfortable situation, but at the heart of it there is a kernel of bitterness that I hide and try to ignore.
I knew it was there because I felt compelled to explain to IC that part of what bugs me about H acting so NICE, and also the fact that WHEN I ASK HIM TO he is very accommodating to take care of the kids and make arrangements for them. That annoys me because he isn't doing it on his own, only when I need him to, and ask him to, and at some deep level ... I don't like the idea that he might be an ok guy after all. It bugs me. I'm the good one, I'm holding up everything, I'm doing ALL the parenting, he doesn't help unless i ask and I'm very reluctant to ask. I would rather suffer and complain (exaggerating but only just a little, there is truth there). And that's because I might kind of want to hold onto my position as the good one. It's not a big element of my emotional composition but it's there, and it's not good.
IC helped me a lot with this one. She pointed out this is not a competition. If I win by being the victim and doing everything myself, that is not really a win...and the kids lose. She said I need to figure out what I need H to step up and do, and ASK him, TELL him, to either step up and help out because being a single parent is wearing me down, or ask him for monetary compensation like paying for more housecleaning or whatever I need to get more of a break. I have a million mental reasons not to do this, but I'm letting it sink in to figure out what I COULD see myself doing.
She thinks I need to ask him to take the kids more, handle some of their dr appointments, go do grocery shopping, be the one who takes time off work for their stuff sometimes, because it will be good for me and also good for the kids.
She said that's not making them have a relationship with him, it's supporting their relationship however they are able to develop it.
The details are hard for me to feel really clear on, but the gist of it is I need to tell him to do more, even if I feel like I shouldn't have to, even if I feel like it's easier not to, because that will give me more bandwidth to be a better mom to the kids. If that makes him into a better dad for them I should not begrudge him (or them) that, but in all likelihood his limitations will still be there. Even so I need to ask for more.
So, that was interesting. I really wouldn't have thought I was bitter at all, but I did manage to dig that out.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.