Has Christine graduated to piecing?

[ObiWan]

go you. One key I think I finally get about the whole "are these changes transient or permanent" is to be consistent. If you feel yourself sliding, come here and vent. Dont dump it on him, no matter how many buttons he pushes.

[kml]

Hey, Christine -
My H's LL is quality time also. I try now to travel with him when I can, but when I can't accompany him on his business trips, I know that he really appreciates voice mails, text messages, phone calls - all those silly little "touching base" things I never appreciated before.

Ellie

[ChristineE]

Thanks Jerry, Mary, Bill, Sage, Lights and Ellie for coming to vistit me here on my new thread in piecing. I am still away from home and I am soooooo exhausted and it is hard to stay connected to my friends here on the board.

Lights, you really made me laugh! Yes, I think that the love radiation therapy has caused H's tumor to go into remission. He is still really nice and flirtatious on the phone. I still can't believe it. I think somebody needs to pinch me! To answer your question, H's fetish (believe it or not) has helped me with accepting and responding to his admission of insanity. It was during a telephone disciplinary role-play that this all occured. I don't know how this could be helpful to others except to say that maybe we just need to lighten up. I know that this is a serious issue and someday I would like to tell H that the day of the bomb was equivalent to the day my son was in a terrible car accident and ended up in ICU.

I was talking to a male friend/colleague of mine last night. I told him a little bit about my sitch and he said that my traveling was virtually pushing him towards OW. Now I'm starting to feel really anxious about my current traveling. Things seem to be going well so far, but it is hard to guage since my interactions are only by phone. I will be going home tomorrow for 3 days, then our company has a week-long national meeting in Orlando. I really have to do soemthing different when I get home so this won't feel like more of the same. In the past, I would feel so tired when I returned home and I usually would get take-out food for us and I would sleep in the next day. He often would say that we were "out of synch" with each other. I plan to get up early and make him a breakfast burrito no matter how tired I feel. I think that these little things have made a big impact on him. I really hope that it is different this time even though it feels like the same old scenario. I guess this is my opportunity to show him that things really are different and that the traveling will soon be over for good.

I have to remember all the things that I have learned Dbing. Patience, listen, don't talk too much, smile, be positive, don't complain and all the other DB strategies that have gotten me where I am.

Christine

[ChristineE]

I don't know how to interpret anything here. Please anyone who has been down this road, I would greatly appreciate some input. First, if I don't make any sense, it is because I am exhausted from traveling and all the activities that H and I have done this evening.

I have arrived back home after being away for 10 days. My H seemed really glad to see me. As soon as we got home, he started being playfully naughty and I ended up disciplining him and then he wanted to ML. We haven't done that since June 15. I was flying high. I was thinking that this is the turning point. Things are back to normal. During his discipline, H admitted that he had been foolish in the way he was behaving and he sincerely apologized for the last 3 months. This was all great and after we ML, he wanted to sing some Karaoke songs.

We were singing some songs and I mentioned that we should take some of the Karaoke CDs to my parents house when we go over there for my S21's graduation (graduating from college). He hesitated and said that he wasn't sure if he was going. I was very puzzled by this comment and during his next song, I thought about the sitch. I decided to bring a belt into the room and I told him that he was in trouble again. He asked why and I said that I didn't understand why he was hesitating about my S's graduation. He was confused as to the date (Feb. 28) so I clarified. he said, "OH, ok since it is this month, I guess I'll go." I asked why it mattered what month and he replied, "because, if it were in a couple of months, I probably wouldn't go due to matters that we have already discussed." What the F---? Sorry, I usually don't swear!

I immediately went into my Db mode but I think that I was a little quiet (not too much). He asked me if there was something wrong with me and I just acted "as if". He then sang several love songs and said that they were for me. Then he smoked in the house (a new habit for him) and afterwards, I took him back to the bedroom and disciplined him for smoking. He was cooperative and afterwards said that he loved me, but he wanted to sleep alone. He said that Friday I could sleep with him.

Also, I notice on his pager that he has been paged by OW and previous OW (from before we got married). On the home phone redial there is a number for a telephone dating line. This is crazy! He ML, which is such a major step for him. He didn't even want to do that on our "honeymoon" last November. At first he said that he didn't feel comfortable with it because the R had to "feel right" and then he said that he wasn't sexually attracted to me. So tonight seemd like a majot breakthrough. I don't understand why he alluded to S in a couple of months. I wish I didn't have to leave again on Sunday. I feel as though everything is slipping through my fingers and I can't Db because I won't be here.

Does anyone understand this?

Christine

[eddy]

Christine! You got LAID!!!!!! Your lucky!! This is good, at least I hope it was. Your reaching...Remember he was going to be gone after your vacation and thwen he wanted a quik D in the beginning of January, only then to postpone to moving out in February, and now here we are and he is still there just moving dates around. Hes still confused and needs your unconditional radiating love. Be happy with his movements to this point. I know you want it all now but I guess it just goes to show you your not out of the woods yet. Sometimes the edges of the woods are the thickest because they get more sunlight so just continue your coarse and I think things will come around. He is still confused and needs more DB attention. Dont get to comfortable yet. Remember you dont want to move to fast. You'll handle it well, I have confidence in you. Bring him home now Christine, you have him in your reach. God Bless, Eddy

[sage]

Hi Christine...

well, I'm just guessing here but it sounds like h is still needing some external reassurances that he has a "safety plan" -- some sort of mental support system that he can use to make himself feel as though he has an "out". It's almost like he's reminding himself that he has choices.

I'm sure it's painful for you but in someways, I would expect his need for safety to increase a bit if he's getting CLOSER to you...more COMFORTABLE and recommitted...kind of like how scary it feels when it starts feel good again? and we have to put even MORE into our safety net.

I think you're on the right track...just keep DBing friend!

Sage

[ChristineE]

Hi everyone over here in piecing!

I was out of town for three weeks (with a couple of wonderful days in between) and now I'm on track for my piecing adventures. I had the best Valentine's Day that I have ever had in my life! My H seems to be in love with me and he can't seem to get enough. He went with me to Victoria's Secret on VDay and picked out an outfit for the evening and made crab legs for dinner. I still want someone to pinch me that this is real!

My challenge now is to stop freaking out (internally) about this not being permanent. I still feel that I am walking on eggshells. I feel that one false move and things will revert back to the way they were. Is this what others have felt at first?

My H has not made any commitments and maybe he never will. I'm not going to bring up the topic so I guess I will just enjoy what I have for the moment. I so much want to ask him why he wanted a D, why he had an A, why he was so mean and nasty to me, but I guess some things are best left unsaid. He doesn't even know that I knew about the A. I just pray that I can DB for the rest of my life and never give him reason to stray again. One thing that I've learned is to never take anything for granted.

I know that I'm not finished DBing. I have just entered another chapter in my Db life. Maybe one day I'll feel more confident that my H really is not going to leave me. For now, he still will not see me sweat. I will be the confident and unconditionally loving person that got me here today. I think I like the new me and I can only get better!

Christine

[Love2Win]

I think your glow is coming through the computer LOL (where are my shades???)

Congrats on all of your good news. And be sure to keep up the DB process. I've read that it is definitely good to get to the A questions when he is ready so that you can both heal and learn from it. It is supposed to help you make your M more positive if you can work through the issues. (but that's book talk. never experienced it)

So, keep on smiling and sending us those vibes!! Tootles....

[mndad]

Christine -
CONGRATULATIONS are in order Stay on track, you are on your way now.
As for walking on eggshells - I am with you on that. My W has turned the corner, this Vday was the best out of 15 years - we both agreed.
Unlike you, I feel the need for verbal assurance as well as physical and emotional ( I am getting better after reading the 5 Love languages and understanding that she is not the same as me). She has told me that she loves me and is getting really happy (She actually said she feels like . When I ask about if we are going to make it, she is now saying she certainly hopes so and cannot see why not Well, dummy me, I still walk on eggshells sometimes and also feel like I am dreaming at times. My biggest problem is that I do have a few issues that need to be resolved but I am unsure of how/when/if to ask them. I am not sure I am willing to just overlook my questions? Pop on over R progressing, still troubled - suggesions? when you get a chance to see the questions- any solutions would be great...

Sorry for taking off -

Again - CONGRATULATIONS and keep posting to show us the success and lead the way...

[sage]

Christine -- WOW! Congratulations on this tremendous turn in your R!

My challenge now is to stop freaking out (internally) about this not being permanent. I still feel that I am walking on eggshells. I feel that one false move and things will revert back to the way they were. Is this what others have felt at first?

Um...YES! The disbelief, waiting for the other shoe to drop, uneasiness...all of that is par for piecing! The absolutely GREAT thing you have going for you is all that "as if" practice. Be sure to take GREAT care of YOU -- inside, too, so that it doesn't get overwhelming.

Sage