I certainly understand your point, but I do have one small difference. Does it matter in the end, no.
With a MLC spouse, you can make the changes and still be waiting for 1-5 years (or longer) its not so much about you making changes directly that will make a difference, but your tolerance level of your willingness to put up with.
WAS, you are the problem, and those changes might be effecting more than just your marriage. DB'n is the same of course, but I think the way you attack/treat things are different.
With a WAS your doing the opposite of what you've done in the past to show real change, become a better person. In turn the spouse see's the changes and decides or not to buy into them for a second chance or not. With a MLC spouse, it gets to a point that those changes are for you ONLY, the spouse still needs to get whatever they need to get out of their system done their own way. And, to a certain point, gets to a point those changes don't matter to them directly.
I don't know, maybe im not explaining myself well. I do see a difference. I do understand that DB'n is about me. I do understand that detaching is the only healthy way to proceed. I just see it as a difference in time I guess. I cant tell someone the DB'n is gonna be the end all, make it or not answer if its not neccasarily about me in the first place in one situation, but not in the other.
I understand your disagreement, and im not here to argue X's and O's. I just think understanding where your spouse is coming from makes a difference in your tolerance of the situation, right or wrong. The end result is still the same, take care of yourself cause its the only thing you can.
I guess the early diagnosis is for the person just starting to deal with a situation. Its so hard early, hard to take/get advice, your in panic mode, but understanding the difference can help someone mentally understand just why its so important the changes need to get into effect ASAP. Is it semantics, sure. I guess that early difference of knowing why your doing it can help in some way maybe. I dunno.
I certainly spent my first couple of months just trying to figure out why the sky was falling, now I understand it in a better way. It does help, at least me I guess. I DID do things to get me here. I don't know if it will help others, that wasn't my point, just my own justification of the why. I think if my wife was MLC I could almost let myself off in some small way that it wasn't everything I was doing that got us here, it was gonna happen regardless.
I understand your point, and agree with it 99.99%. In the end it doesn't matter, but early on I think it can help with our mindset maybe. Thank you very much for your input, and I totally respect your input. As time goes on, the process of why becomes less and less important, its just getting to that stage.
