D came by to do laundry. While she was there she told me DIL had finally come to the conclusion she could not do it all herself and asked for help. X and SIL2 were helping DIL clean the apartment they had been living at. From her tone and body language I took these statements as passive aggressive sniping. Not wanting to get drawn into the lets bash DIL fest I thought about my reply and kept it neutral. D then launched into the last argument she had with DIL.
It seems DIL wishes to host a family holiday while living at the house inviting X and her entourage. I gather it was a bit of a row. D and X are not cordial. D wants to have a haven. Her world has been upset and she is carrying a bit of anxiety.
I do not trust X. To be honest I have not been able to achieve a level of forgiveness that would allow me to have any comfort about her being inside this house.
The vehemence of my emotive response surprised me.
D and DIL are still sniping at each other. It is possible DIL brought up the holiday idea to push a few buttons. Thinking it through there is a possibility D was pushing buttons to enlist me. There is the possibility she just needed to vent. There is the possibility she feels lost and adrift and is looking for comfort and grounding.
I spoke with her about it later in the evening. I think the last thought is likely. The footing here is not firm. So best to proceed slowly, cautiously. I want to provide a safe place without enabling an escalation.
I need to work on detaching more here. It was the “She wants to invite X” comment that set me off.
I went to the house and moved some items from the basement, afterward I spent a few minutes speaking with DIL. Our conversation centered upon what I was moving and what items remained. She vented about feeling overwhelmed and I just let her.
Detached here? Check. In retrospect validation would have been better.
IMO she is causing her own feelings. She is trying to complete the move by tomorrow night. She has arranged to spend the rest of the month 200 mi away visiting her father.
Many days will pass between now and the Christmas holidays. Many things can occur in that time. I reminded myself and D when I spoke with her last night. It is best not to get wrapped up in these emotions thinking about what might happen. She agreed and said she thinks DIL and her are working through the anger phase of grieving. She thinks they see each other as safer to express anger to than me or S and that is why they have been going at it every other day or so.
I told her DIL may be attempting to establish boundaries without stating them. When DIL and S lived with me last year she would push much like a teenager does. We eventually found a place we could grow from.
Tonight? Tomorrow night? This weekend? Eh, who know. Just take it as it comes. Focus on what is good for me.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
