I don't know how I missed this entire thread but I just found it tonight...
There is so much to say but most of it has already been said since I am days late to the party..
the biggest thing I notice is that you are still worried about upsetting your wife and ruining your chances. I understand why, however, you really have to detach for your own sake as well as for any possibility of a HEALTHY reconciliation.
I don't see success in you working directly with her on an agreement because you want to do the right thing and she wants to do what she thinks is right for her (not you, the kids, the m). Trust me, I did this with my ex and my daughter paid the price.
I see you beginning to detach but I see all of your concerns coming from a place of worrying about hurting your chances. Sandi is right, she is trying to control you and you, in your efforts to do the right thing, will allow that.
She will never R until she sees you walking away for good. It has been pointed out to me that reconciling with our S, who has not done any DBing and hasn't grown like we are, is hard it appears even harder in your case because your W seems very immature.
She is playing you. I hate to say it because you seem like a great guy and I know you were very optimistic not so long ago. I don't believe she made it all up with that intention, she just needs to do some work. Now that she sees you walking away again, she is trying more tactics to get you back.
Be strong.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
the biggest thing I notice is that you are still worried about upsetting your wife and ruining your chances. I understand why, however, you really have to detach for your own sake as well as for any possibility of a HEALTHY reconciliation.
I really hate to say this because it sounds so counter to DB'ing, but many of the sitches I've read about that turned around didn't turn around until the LBS gave up on the WAS in absolute disgust. Not "I think I'm going to drop the rope" kind of stuff, but "I am so sick and tired of all the BS, I am DONE with you spouse! I want you out of my life and RIGHT NOW!!!!" I am certainly not suggesting that everyone go get in their WAS's face, this is just an observation I've made reading various "success" stories on these forums. But it seems a radical change in the LBS's attitude from wanting to save the M to just being fed up and disgusted and wanting to end it is often what wakes a WAS up. Here's the thing though, in these cases the LBS was absolutely 100% done, they were not acting or pretending or trying to trick the WAS. And I think that's the difference. When the WAS senses that it really is over, suddenly they're not so sure they want to walk away forever.
All I'm saying is I agree with lovethehub, you are NOT going to ruin your chances of reconciliation by showing some backbone.
I completely agree with AS on this ^^^^^^^^^ Because my W even has said so in MC now. Turning point in us spending more time together and her doubting divorce is when she realized the changes I was making were for me and not to get her back. She told MC she could tell that I was going to be fine with or without her. Now we are moving to a new city together in 2 weeks and have never communicated better. So realize that you really need to detach for yourself first an foremost T!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I'm so glad you joined into this conversation, LTH. And here is the main statement I hope T will digest.........
"I don't see success in you working directly with her on an agreement because you want to do the right thing and she wants to do what she thinks is right for her (not you, the kids, the m). Trust me, I did this with my ex and my daughter paid the price. "
LTH, can you explain to T how a WAW, who loves her kids, can & will put her own needs first.....when she's fighting to get what's best for "her"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If this is the case where does leave me? Try the none solicitor route but knowing there is a massive chance it will fail because of where she is at mentally?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T, when or if I get a D, I will bet that my H won't want a L because he won't want to spend the money. I know my H, he is a smart guy, drives a hard bargain and is never bested on a deal. He is very unemotional when it comes to making a deal. He'd sell just about anything if he got the right price. This ability has served us well through the years and it doesn't make him a good person or a bad person, it's just one of his traits.
So knowing that about my H, he can have a L or not.
I will have an attorney who I will pay out of my pocket, to keep things on track and to handle sticky details.
Protect yourself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Emailed W at 16:00 (yes managed to wait unti Thur PM):
Hi,
Just checking it's OK to pick the kids up at 3 tomorrow, could you let me know?
In regards to not using solicitors and arranging things ourselves. I want to see if we can agree on a co-parenting/visitation schedule before we go any further.
W replied at 19:00:
You haven't seen your kids in two week, never once asked about them and only now you reply! Never knew you wanted to see the kids this weekend since you've pretty much vanished off the face of the earth....shows just how great a Dad you really are!! And I'll tell you this Mark, these boys have never been so great or peaceful in months the way they have been in the two whole weeks they have stayed with me and not had to travel all that way to that [censored] hole!
You never got back to me about us sorting out the divorce so I told my solicitor just to go ahead with the paperwork. The offer was there and like the selfish bastard you are, you're going to be the one who loses out!
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I started typing a reply to vent and it went like this I have NOT sent this:
W, you said you were having the kids last weekend. You have never had them over the weekend and I have never had a weekend off. Yes I have missed them, it has been very hard, I have missed my babies like crazy! The kids are always peaceful when they are hear and I never have a problem with them. I never wanted them to go through any this.
This is what I did reply with: If you want to go through solicitors that is fine with me.
I will be there around 15:00 tomorrow.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
You've not gave a [censored] about them boys in the last two weeks. You want to see them them contact me through your solicitor as I've already made plans for the weekend with them. I had no idea you wanted to see them. Less than 24 hours notice is not enough time!
I replied:
I have the kids every week on a Friday unless there is a change of plan.
One change of plan was you having them last weekend.
Nothing has been arranged about changing it this weekend.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
