I think the differences between WAS and MLC and what you write are good, but I would qualify what you said about MLC slightly to say it has “very little” to do with the spouse. I say this because many long-term marriages do get stale and a MLC spouse will emphasize any problems in the marriage. Doing 180's will remove these problems as reasons for the MLC spouse to leave.
For a MLC Spouse, DB-ing gives them the time and space for them to address their own problems. The actions I took as part of DB-ing have relieved the pressure on my W such that she went from “I’m going to leave/divorce you” to “I’m staying, but I’m still missing those loving feelings.” I don’t see anything that I can do, to change this attitude because much of my W’s internal turmoil and unhappiness is not about me or our Marriage.
Consequently, I do think it is important to assess whether it is WAS or MLC because with a MLCer, your actions will not resolve the problems and lead to reconciliation. With a MLCer, your actions relieve the pressure on the MLCer, give time for the MLCer to work through their issues, and if you have sufficient patience and IF the MLCer works through their issues, then you’ll be there available for reconciliation. In my case, I feel more strongly than ever that my W is MLC. Her focus for a few months has been how unhappy she is with her career and how she regrets not going to medical school and being a doctor. This has nothing to do with me.
Some other indicators of MLC that I’ve picked up in my reading are:
1. She says she is unhappy and feels lost and empty inside 2. She is discontent with her life, bored and wants a new life and marriage 3. She is not sure she wants to be a wife or a mother anymore 4. She loses weight, diets, goes to the gym daily and is obsessive about exercise 5. She suddenly pays a lot of attention to her appearance 6. She spends like crazy, buying herself new clothes and other stuff 7. She seeks cosmetic surgery and other ways to appear younger and prettier 8. She act flirtatious with other men, any other men! 9. She wants a car that doesn’t say mommy 10. She focuses on herself and is extremely selfish 11. She is sarcastic, easily agitated and quick to find fault with people close to her 12.She acts like she is single – trys to go out every evening, drinks more, clubs/bars, has younger friends who are single
My W does all of these things. Can your actions change this? No, but you can relieve the pressure. I now drive the minivan, and I have not heard my W complain anymore or talk about buying a new sports car (which she was talking about several months ago). Will this action make her love me? No. Will it shorten the time in MLC? probably not. It just makes the current situation more tolerable for both of us.
