Originally Posted By: cat04
Helen,

I will give you feedback but I don't think you are going to like it.

Affairs usually aren't the problem but a symptom of the problem. They happen because people are emotionally vulnerable already in most cases.

You haven't said if he has told you if it is over or not...

Until it ends, it will near impossible to work on your M.

If it is over, he is going to go through some withdrawl, sadness, etc...that comes with the end of a relationship.

You have to decide going in if you believe you can, or even WANT to try to forgive him, or you will be wasting your time.

Forgivness is a choice. Doing it, means letting go, not score keeping, not bringing it up when you fight.

It isn't something that you just sit bdack and wait to see if it happens.

Therapy...

Can be a very good thing. If you are both working toward a common goal.

Unfortunately, many WAS, agree to therapy as a way to say they have tried everything.

Be prepared that that may be the case.

Reading your posts, I read anger, frustration, and fear. Which are all normal feelings in these situations.

I also read things that come across to me as judgmental, controlling, and pressuring.

If I see that, it is possible that your H does as well.

I am not trying to be discouraging...

I don't want to see you, or anyone here for that matter, simply think that if your spouse changes their mind that all suddenly becomes ok.

Things happen that bring us to these situations. And it takes work to change that.


I honestly believe that I can forgive it. I do believe it is a symptom, not the problem. That's why I think I can let it go. I would like to figure out what the problem is. He has told me from the beginning he doesn't know. He's been in IC for almost 4 months. Hopefully he has some insight into the problem that he'll share with me in MC.

He has not said if it's over and I have not asked. I haven't asked any details yet. I'm waiting for therapy to do that so we don't make things worse between us.

I would love to know what you see as judgmental, controlling and pressuring. That surprises me...the #1 analysis of me through my friends, family and months of therapy is that this man has me wrapped around his finger and I'm a doormat. Maybe I've done a 180 and don't even know it. wink It really is shocking to think of ME controlling HIM. I've always felt he was more "in charge" of our relationship.

I certainly don't think he's going to change his mind and everything will be OK. I honestly don't know if he even has changed his mind. And if he has, is that change solid enough that he's willing to do the work to rebuild. Time will tell.