GM, I am sorry that he's acting like a complete and utter @ss. If the messages are about what will be discussed in the meeting, advise him to hold his questions until then. You don't have to get into any long winded conversations about those things, as they will be discussed later.
Take back control over your life and if you think his emails are not worth responding to, delete them. Nothing says you are at his beck and call 24/7. The only messages you might want to respond to are those directly related to the boys.
The delete key is only a button away. Don't allow him to wear you down for that is what he is attempting to do. He wants to make you a basket case so that you will agree to anything to get rid of him.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
GM - I think you need to block him again until you get on solid ground. But maybe wait until after Friday...
I can understand the anxiety. How are your meds working for you?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I feel like I need to shift my focus away from trying to get my house and just agree to sell it and move away. My life here isn't what I want and isn't manageable. Moving solves just about all of the issues and I will be near my best friend who has been my biggest supporter. She will actually be here this weekend and then the boys and I will stay with her family in a few weeks.
What I've been fighting for doesn't seem to be in my best interest. Xh keeps making me jump hurdles.
I know that home is where the boys and I make it. It will take a lot of courage and a leap of faith, but I know I am capable of creating a new life. There are just too many bad memories here. I also don't want to have to deal with xh on an ongoing basis. My reaction to him says it all.
B, the meds seemed to be working fine until I started receiving all of the emails. I think it's the sign I needed that no matter what I do this situation will not work. It's time to move on.
I too know how awful it feels to not feel "emotionally safe". When that kind of vulnerability is sensed we definitely need to pay attention and do whatever it takes to protect ourselves.
My D will be finalized this coming Monday. I of late have been feeling much like you describe, and I know I have to take action to make sure my heart and emotional state are safe. Our H's are not operating from a healthy place right now, so how they act is not going to be in anyone's best interest because their judgment is so skewed. Including their own interest I might add. As hard as it is when we feel so defeated, because we haven't gotten to our goal, we have to take charge and control over our own well being. I can tell you specifically how I am doing this in my own instance if it would help. I know all of our situations are slightly different so it might not help at all.
In any "fire" type of setting, I think it really helps to identify what element is fanning the fire. What is fueling it to burn hot, and then work to remove or at least alter that element. It's hard to get the energy for this when you feel so down I know. I really get that.
Ideally, I would suggest that you not make a big decision like the house, at this time, in this turmoil, but if this would lesson your angst and help you with a sense of control and protection then by all means do it.
Just make sure you get it in writing that he agrees to you moving away with the boys.
It does sound like trying to hold onto the house may not be the wisest move for you, and being far away from your ex may be healthy. I also like that you will have your best friend nearby - good friends are the greatest!!!
As for dealing with his emails right now - think mental Aikido. Aikido depends on using the force of the attacker to throw him. Instead of REacting to his attacks, use your wiles to throw him.
And use language like "I know you only want what is best for me and the boys", "I know you want us to be financially stable", "I know you want us to be able to live in a safe neighborhood" etc.
Back56, thanks so much for your post. I am so sorry to hear that your D will be final on Monday. I teared up reading about it. That day for me was just last week and I cried my eyes out. And, yes, I would love to hear about anything you are doing to ease your transition and heal. I have so much to learn and am open to anything you would like to share.
kml, my attorney will definitely get everything legalized. She sent a letter today informing opposing counsel that I intend to move and when. She stated that I want full custody, but that I'll return with the boys for periodic visitation. I will have to give him at least a percentage of the equity, but I no longer care. I just need enough to buy and furnish a new home. I'll get that much without fighting for it.
Xh can file a motion to try and stop my move, but he won't win. It will delay my plans, but I can deal with it. He brought all of this on himself. His kids will now live several states away. I hope the tramp he's with is worth it.
I'm having another sleepless night. I'm tired of being in this limbo and want to move on quickly. When I look back over the year and a half since BD I can't believe some of the things that were said and done. I wish I would have had the strength early on to deal with xh differently. I don't believe it would have changed the outcome, but I would have had better control of my life. Living with so much fear and insecurity has been detrimental.
Xh should know of my plan to move in the morning. Either he will be shaken up a bit or just glad that I've agreed to sell and he'll receive the money he wants. He was completely delusional if he thought he was going to force me out of my home, but expect me to pay exorbitant rent just so he could have minimal visitation with the boys. I tried since BD to keep the boys in their home and xh wavered back and worth and caused deep anxiety in all three of us. It's terrible not knowing where you're going to live. I won't put the boys through that for another school year. They've suffered enough.
GM, I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. I don't think your h is going to go quietly. Yes, he'll be happy that you have finally agreed to move out and sell the home, but I think he'll fight you on the idea of moving away. Why? Because of "control". He's going to want to have you and the boys at his beck and call and he's not going to be happy w/them moving away. That's just my two cents. He may prove me wrong on this one, so please don't worry about what I've posted until the hearing and see what the outcome will be.
I know it's difficult, but I do hope that you and the boys have a good weekend. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
