I'm gonna give you some info that I've found from reading thru at least 15 different marriage help websites about a WAS.
For the first 3-4 months, NOTHING you do or say it gonna make a bit of difference. The spouse will spew, rewrite, try to justify, and generally not care much about the sitch. Anything you do those first few months towards the marriage, even if you think its helping, is NOT. In fact, your just making your work harder and you'll be helping the spouse form excuses about not listening to their desire for time and space. Detaching is almost impossible, but probably the most important thing you can do for yourself, cause "fixing it" just isn't gonna happen.
I really think the first few months is a time that you need to really focus on yourself/family. There will come a time shortly after that a window will open of self doubt in the spouse. If you've been working on yourself, the spouse will be challenging themselves during this window. I think this is the stage the WAS starts to consider more the idea of breaking up the family, wondering if they can make it without you, or the slight twinkle that maybe its worth saving.
This is a key stage, and obviously a stage that can really make or break the future. There are no guarntees either way of course. But its the point that I really think you can help yourself or hurt yourself in their eyes. If you've been doing the work, more doubt might creep in, and if not, they will detach further. Its still not over either way, but at this point you've created more work, or made it more difficult for them to end the M. The patience that you've showed before is nothing like the ride your gonna be taking now. This is the also the stage that I think "Make yourself the person your spouse would be crazy to leave" really starts hitting home.
Your work is still just getting started thou, cause at this point the doubt might be there, but trust comes into play. Trust that the changes your making are permanent. This stage can take a LONG time depending on your own unique sitchs and how much trouble the marriage was in before BD. Its over the next few months that the changes we make must be real, and not an attempt to just placate, and are really scrutinized. Now only time, effort, patience and positivity are your friends, you still have absolutely NO control over whats gonna happen. From what I've read about the differences is a MLC and a WAS. MLC can take years to get thru before you might even see positive steps, if you see them at all. And really has nothing to do with you.
The WAS is almost the opposite, its all about you, and the damage of your marriage. You ARE the reason they're willing to walk away. It also seems to have a much shorter cycle than dealing with a MLC spouse. A WAS was considering BD months or years BEFORE you got word, so for their part, maybe half the work is already done in their eyes. Can you change it around, sure. You know the mistakes/issues. This is where the labeling doesn't matter. You have to go about your DB'n the same. Cause those changes are for you, and if they help the marriage GREAT, but don't expect them to fix it. That's not up to you.
Out of all the websites i'd read thru that I could find WAS listed. There was only about 125 specific stories, and I know by no means that means much as some don't label, some don't know, and some don't care about putting it into a category. But I kept track of what progress was listed. There was roughly a 25% success rate, a 45% failure rate, and a 30% rate of limbo. Even those numbers are scewed. To be a success, you had to be long term piecing, for failure the spouse was with another person long term or divorced already. Those situations don't really mean crap as we all know piecing can fail still, and we know that some divorced or in other relationships can still come back.
But what amazed me is more about the first 3 months and the second 3 months. Like I said above, those first 3 months theres just nothing you can do to make much of a diffence (although you can do an incredible amount of damage) your aren't getting them back in that window no matter what you do. The second 3 months is the ground work for the rest of the process, hopefully you've been doing the work, learned some patience, and are in detachment mode. Its still unlikely the spouse comes home (or theres a failure at piecing), but during this 2nd 3 months the work better be well under way on your own part. After this 3 months the work is still just getting started, I think this is the stage the LBS doubt starts to creep in. (5-7 months)
If some positives are gathered from that 2nd 3 months, the LBS is more willing to give it more time. But if not, the LBS starts to wonder if they can do it, or why there doing it.
By no means is any of this scientific, proof, denial, or something to use as a standard. Some of the assumptions are VERY general to say the least. And each situation is unique. The damage varies from marriage to marriage, mitigating circumstances are also varibles.
What it all comes down to..........is you have to DB, and you have to do it for yourself. Cause whether your marriage makes it or not, changes have to be made. Those changes are going to effect the rest of your life, your interactions with friends and family, and your future relationship (albeit with your spouse or someone new). You can worry all you want about your current situation, but until those changes are made, and made permanent NOTHING is gonna make a difference.
Myself, im currently sitting at about 5.5 months, the doubt and the positivity (in my mind) both have their ways at times in my head. I have to beat both back. I have to constantly remember that the only control I have, is myself. That im going to focus on being a better me/parent/friend, even if I wasn't lacking in some of those departments before. I can always be a better me. I have to remember that i'm only half at fault as to why i'm here, but theres not much I can do or change regarding the other half.
That if im making my changes, im also becoming comfortable with myself that I can make it either way. That even if it doesn't make it, im gonna be one HECK of a spouse for someone else. I need to get to the point that the loss would not be mine, but my spouses. That only I can take care of myself, and I cant count on anyone else to do it for me.
