Two years in limbo, it's a fine place

[Underdog]

Hi there, AD,

I've never posted to you, but I've read your thread and advice to others and feel like you have a lot in common with the life I led prior to D. Only I have 2 daughters. But I'm also from VA, so does that count?

Like you, I was separated and in limbo for 2 years before my now XH decided it was time to file. I'm pretty sure that his decision came at that point because his friends felt really bad for me and convinced him to sh!it or get off the pot. He got off the pot. I've been D for 8 years now, and the happy ending is that we're back to being friends and doing a pretty good job co-parenting. But that's water under the bridge.

Some of the stuff you wrote made me smile:

When i mostly popped in here to report on relevant interactions w h and how i felt about them, i wd get responses that i was too focused on him and what was i doing for me. When i posted what-all i was doing i would get responses that i was doing too much and should do things differently.

LOL, that's the nature of this place. But in the end, I really feel it's your right to blog here about what's on your mind. Who cares if what's on your mind if it's about your H and his goofy ways of keeping you off balance? You're entitled to feel that way. Write away. You know the truth of your life off-line.

Our in-law family dynamics sound very familiar too. Maybe one day you'll see the clear connection between those dots. I do now that I have a lot of time in the rear view mirror. The passive aggressiveness is something I had to deal with on a daily basis, and it was frustrating. I can tell you that that's one area I was successful at halting in his R with me. Of course his mom died a year after we separated, so I didn't have her continually adding more to his ever growing pile of confusion.

Anyway... now down to brass tacks.

I felt a little disloyal to h after an evening spilling my guts to his cousins.

You've been separated for a very long time, and your P/A H is letting you do his dirty work. I would know. I was married to this guy. DON'T YOU DARE FEEL DISLOYAL! You are a real person with real feelings and stating the truth and clearing up misconceptions is okay. It is NOT your job to protect him from these consequences! He made this mess, and he can't expect people to pretend there isn't a huge pink elephant sitting in the living room.

If you had been separated for 4 hours and were angry, I'd say differently. But the fact is, this barn door opened a long time ago and the animals have long fled. So you put on your big girl panties and let him deal with his consequences all by himself.

You did a great job with his family, and have nothing to be ashamed of.

(Then h got all involved with s15"s feet. "Take off your socks they look wet. Why are you putting on those shoes? You can ride barefoot, etc " i said to s15, YOU decide. What you want to wear in the car is your choice," and i got in the driver seat. Again still torn between establishing new precedents or choosing battles, erring on the side of establishing new precedents. Worried about nitpicking h tho. Will settle in eventually though, it is a learning process im going through.)

You have boys and this is where we differ. Had I walked out on my girls and attempted to parent like this, I'm pretty sure my oldest would have clearly told me that I'm not the boss of her. It's a same parent thing. And I bet your S15 was thinking along the lines of "why are you saying this now when you're not even around, a-hole?"

Let him be, AD. From what you've written about your sons, they aren't milquetoast boys. They're going to man up and do what they need to do because you've taught them that. So open that door and let the consequences fly.

Seriously, after all this time, I want you to know that you're doing a good job with this - especially living in limbo.

Now, for my personal suggestion:

im not clear on whether i was being invited to go or not. Im not sure h was clear on that either. I think he is vague on purpose, waiting for me to interpret and take action. It is frustratingly vague.

I strongly suggest you not take the bait. He's not healed enough for you to make these assumptions without it coming back in your face. If you have to assume anything, assume you get a week vacation without anyone too. (What a dream come true?) The reason I say this is that when you live in limbo, it's for a reason. They clearly don't know. They don't know what they're doing and they don't know why. If your H is anything like my XH was at that time, he's not even TRYING to figure this stuff out. My guess? It comes down to that family dynamic. Have you ever noticed that P/A people have a tendency to be conflict avoiders? They hope with time, that all the problems go away without having to do anything.

It wasn't until after my D was final (and my kids were younger than yours when that happened) that my XH *finally* started thinking about things. It's undoubtedly one of the reasons we *can* be friends now. He's filled me in on a lot since then. One of the big things is that he realized he was having a R with his mother with my face on it - and he was rebelling. I'll admit that dealing with his P/A nature led me to be more like his mommy and it probably felt natural to work things out with her through me. It got ugly before it got better. But then again, my XH decided he wasn't really happy with his choices and where it landed him and he was willing to do some self improvement. I doubt it will ever be as much as I did, but he's done something. Many just continue to run away because it's hard to fix problems.

Sooner or later, you'll probably have to be the one to make the decision, AD. I told you the reason why my XH did. But he was clearly waiting for me to do his dirty work so he could tell people that it wasn't his doing. As it was, he filed with me as the petitioner. Who freaking does that? Again, thankfully he's apologized for how he handled things and for hurting me. It's enough for me now, because he's now the friend I need him to be. And he's no longer passive aggressive. I taught him how to man up and it took a little time.

I sure hope this makes sense.

Have yourself a good week and hope the weather cools down. (My parents and family are still back there, and I know it's miserable right now.) Fantasizing about Myrtle Beach is a good thing. What about waiting until off season? It's wonderful with no crowds... as are the Outer Banks. I miss that.

Keep on keeping on. I know how tough you have it. Give yourself a hug--

Betsey