Had mc yesterday. We're still working off the list of marriage hurts, picking off the easy stuff first. We talked about H's working too much and how that made me feel that I/kids were not a priority in his life. H expressed that he worked so hard and felt that it was unappreciated. We validated both sides. It's kind of an no-win situation because I don't want that neglected lifestyle anymore and won't accept that in future relationships. And H said yesterday he was 'conditioned' after all these years and didn't know how he could cut back. H feels the financial pressure, especially of supporting us and his own separate lifestyle. But he doesn't know what could be done differently (der... get your life together, move home!). He loves loves his work, which I was always supremely jealous of. But I asked him 'do you like working so much?' which he answered no, he felt he had to. I made a statement that my lifestyle choices are different now and I won't live running on the mouse wheel anymore. He just hasn't been around enough to get it. Dds and I don't go out to eat every night and go shopping and to movies every weekend now. And dds have cut back on a couple extra activities (because I can't afford it on my own), but the silver lining has been that we have a much less stressful lifestyle. That H would enjoy if he were around...
After mc we had even better communication. H said he is the same man as when he left, still working & drinking too much & eating badly, not taking care of himself. He's looking for an apartment, was searching for a 2 bedroom thinking d15 would want a room at his place & asked what I thought. I just encouraged him to talk to d15 about it, the feeling I got was that she wouldn't be up to staying with him, which d15 later confirmed. He made a comment that 'well, I could make her'. He obviously hasn't consulted an atty in that regard because no judge would command her... but I just said yes, she could be forced to stay with you... but it's a difficult transition and if he started off with a smaller place and she's staying there more often he could always upgrade when his lease was up. H says he hates wasting so much money on an apartment. I never know if he's stating a fact or trying to hint at something when he makes those comments. Then he says that he's a little resentful of me, because I've changed a lot and am happier and have moved on while he is the same and he feels stuck. His words really surprised me because it sure feels like I haven't moved on, but I'm glad it looks that way I guess. And it's nice to see that he's realizing his actions of dumping the family haven't actually made him happy! I tried to just be supportive and said that I had unlimited faith in him, that I know he'll get himself together when he puts his mind to it. I think the transition of him moving out of the frat house and into his own, quiet place will be good and he can finally reflect on his decisions.
Later on, I called him because I'm still thinking about MC appt. And he mentioned our insurance, which led me to saying that I knew something that I felt he had tried to keep secret and it had really hurt me. H had a vasectomy last December, in the midst of his affair. H was very sorry for my hurt reaction to that and said that he probably should have told me but at that time we weren't communicating at all and 'I didn't care about anything or anyone during that time'. Does he see a difference now?? He also made a comment that 'it was better than me getting someone pregnant'. The V wasn't exactly a surprise, we had talked about it before and knew we didn't want any more kids. I just said that I felt it was something that was a secret and I wanted it out in the open. H was very understanding, justified a little more with 'I felt it was my body and my decision' but was supportive of my feelings.
Now no more therapy for 2 weeks due to H's schedule. MC calls this work we're doing 'marriage postmortem'. It stinks because there is a lot of regret on both sides, a lot of things we are seeing that could have been done differently. My expectations get out of whack sometimes thinking that we are mc in the traditional 'improving our marriage' track. I think mc is trickier that I had originally given him credit for and I can see how this could slowly, VERY slowly, work around to that, but there would obviously have to be a lot of changes on H's part. H did say that maybe he needs to get his own ic last night too. That was a bit of self awareness that hasn't been shared yet. But he said it with the eating better and working out statement, so it all is under the things to do in the future umbrella... but I have to just keep moving on with my life regardless.
GAL for this weekend, I'm doing a mud run on Saturday and going to a birthday party on Sunday. Haven't trained for the run, it'll be brutal. But I'm doing it with a new friend and dds will be there to support me. We'll have tons of fun!
And it's nice to see that he's realizing his actions of dumping the family haven't actually made him happy! I tried to just be supportive and said that I had unlimited faith in him, that I know he'll get himself together when he puts his mind to it. I think the transition of him moving out of the frat house and into his own, quiet place will be good and he can finally reflect on his decisions.
The V wasn't exactly a surprise, we had talked about it before and knew we didn't want any more kids. I just said that I felt it was something that was a secret and I wanted it out in the open. H was very understanding, justified a little more with 'I felt it was my body and my decision' but was supportive of my feelings. 
