I have been posting over in newcomers but I don't know if I am piecing. How can I tell? Maybe I still need more time. I would love some input from others who have had a breakthrough on what to expect.
My bomb came on Nov 2. My H said that he was not interested in C or anythings else because he didn't want to be M any longer. There was an OW (EA I believe). H said that he was not attracted to me in any way at all and that maybe he never was. He said that I could have everything as long as I agreed to a quick D. He just wanted his clothes and he would start over without me. He waited until after the holidays and then announced that he would be moving out in Feb.
I have been Dbing my buns off and little by little I started seeing changes. Then, this weekend, I think that I had a breakthrough. We spent almost the entire day on Saturday engaged in fun playful intimate activities (upon his initiation). I was on cloud nine and I really was thinking that this was the turning point. Our conversations seemed normal again. He didn't stop himself every time he accidentally made reference to something in the future. It was as if a faery came and lifted all the bad energy.
Then today, he seemed distant. Nothing terrible. He was not cranky towards me, but everytime I flirted a little, he wouldn't bite. There was no indication that he wanted to pursue the previous day's activities again. I just acted as if and happy.
My questions to the more experienced DBers here are:
1. Is this typical? Do the WASs come forward and then have a knee jerk reaction? 2. How do I know that I am reading my sitch correctly? 3. Is this just part of the process or do I need to start from scratch?
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
YES..THIS IS TYPICAL ALIEN BEHAVIOUR. DON'T LET HIM PUSH YOUR BUTTONS. HE IS LOOKING TO SEE IF THE CHANGES IN YOU ARE FOR REAL.GREAT JOB ACTING AS IF...KEEP IT UP. Ok, was that loud and clear? LOL Hang in there and stay here in piecing...you've graduated. Now the real work begins... This is a great area though with lots of great folks who really care about one another...so let me be the first of many to welcome you to piecing HANG ON THE RIDE HAS JUST BEGUN...KEEP YOUR HANDS IN THE CAR AND NO PUKING ON THE OTHER PASSENGERS...lololol
We do allow crying, screaming, venting, hugging, and almost any and all other types of emotional outbursts..and please get them out here...before you take them out on your spouse...oh..and do as I say..not as I do...tehehehe...I just came down off a horrible ride myself and didn't do such a good job of it..but I am back in the db saddle again and things are looking somewhat better...I think...I hope..I pray.
to your question - Has Christine graduated to piecing? Well, I think that posting in piecing is a self fulfilling prophecy - if you say you are then you are.
As to his behavior - it sounds just like my WAW - it seems that they have made up their minds that the M is over then they catch themselves really having a good time with you and then start thinking "what am I doing, This R is suppose to be over. But this is fun, What's up." then they withdraw back into their cave to start sorting through their feelings. this is the time to give them the space they need to sort through their feelings without any pursuing or pressure. The last thoughts of you are very plesant ones and the space will create an emotional vaccuum that will draw them back. As they are drawn back then DB your heart out again.
The cycle continues but each time (at least for me) the next cycle is usually better and better and the down times between great contacts are less and less. I now can expect the down times and knowing that it is normal, use the space myself to work on ME, content that all is going well.
Keep DBing and Keep piecing. (keep swimming, swimming, swimming...) and have a great day
Hey Christine...boy you jumped just in time for your lockout. Is that a coincidence or what? I know I haven't followed you but we've passed each other on the BB.
Congrats!!! An ILY from H, what that must feel like.
Well, I think I'm feeling like you and reading from some of these experienced DBers, I think I'm in some what of the same boat so from my experience.
Don't push or pursue. Let H do some talking and sorting. Listen but don't judge. Validate but don't react. Let him lead the way and DB when you can. Take it slow.....
Good luck! Are you going to be here for a while or moving around??? Tootles..........
I have found it to be a lot of give and take, he comes around and then pulls back. I had asked on previous occasions what causes these cycles, but he had never been able to give me an answer. And it is frustrating, you begin to enjoy the time with them again, want more and they disappear. Piecing is a rollercoaster in itself, a bunch of different challenges. Don't stop doing what has been working. He may be coming around, and chances are it is because of what you have been doing.
So, what have you found that you have been doing that is bringing these positive changes from H?
Thanks ogda, alaska, dagny and Karen for coming by my thread.
Today I carry with me a big sense of dread and anxiety. Now that my H is moving towards me, I can't be with him for three weeks. My traveling has been a major contributing factor to the breakdown of my M. After 3 months of he77 and abuse, my H snapped out of it. We havn't ML yet, but we were definitely moving in that direction and then I had to leave. My H's Love Language is quality time. After the bomb on Nov 2, I curtailed my traveling and decided to spend quality time with him like I used to do before I had this job. This along with other changes in behavior and attitude that I made, tipped the scales in my favor. I have been away for almost a week now and I'm so afraid that the positive momentum that I had will be erased by my absence. It really feels like "more of the same" terrible stuff that drove us apart.
I'm going to reflect a little and focus on what has gotten me here to piecing.
First, I have an absolute belief that I can do it. In spite of seemingly hopeless odds (W not wanting to work on M, wanting a quick D, OW, etc), I believed that I could succeed in changing my sitch by changing the dynamics of the R.
Secondly, I chanaged the things that I had control over immediately. I changed my attitude and I changed the way that I reacted to H. I put a stop to all arguments. I refused to engage in warfare with H. If he wanted to have a calm discussion with him, then it would be upon his initiation. I didn't react to the hurtful things that he said to me.
Third, I vowed to show unconditional love. No strings attached. I took the attitude that my H is sick and all I can do is hold his hand (metaphorically) and show empathy. Whenever he would get mean and ugly, I would think about how much pain he is in and how much he is suffering with his depression. I knew that all of this pain and anger wasn't about me...it was about his illness. I just stuck to my unconditional love to get us through.
Fourth, I had to be strong. I didn't know that I could be so strong. There were days that I thought I would buckle under the pressure, but I didn't. I kept up a positive front, I gave love unconditionally and I never backed down. I started to see it as a battle of wills. Positive vs. Negative. Whoever backed down first would lose and eventually he couldn't keep up the negativity because my positive energy was so strong.
Finally, I never mentioned the A. I knew that, if I did, he would just deny it and I would show weakness. I treated it as a non-issue and it eventually fizzled out. I think that the A coincides with his distancing and now his reconnecting with me. It's kind of scary that something like this can shake my world and I will have to address this further when we are more deeply into piecing. This cannot happen again. I will not survive it next time. I must learn how to affair-proof my M.
Thanks again for everyone who has lent me so much encouragement. I don't think that I would be in piecing if it weren't for my friends here. ILY!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
I'm so excited! H called me at my hotel and during the conversation he said, "for one month". Let me back up. since Nov, he has constantly reminded me that he was leaving after the holidays. In Jan, he announced that he had plans to move in Feb. It is now Feb 1 and he is discussing things that he wants to do together during this month.
More specifically, H wants to quit smoking. He has never been a smoker in the 8 years that I have known him, but suddenly, during our "crisis" he has become a smoker. Go figure. This morning he asked me to help him quit. He says that he wants to limit his smoking at home in the evening to 1 cigarette and it must be outside. He said that he needs strict supervision on this and he will gladly suffer any consequences if he doesn't adhere to these rules. He says that he wants to smoke only 2 cigarettes at work and one in the evening. He wants me to help him with this for 1 month, then he will cut back even more. When he said the words "one month" I almost fell over! It sure doesn't seem like he is planning to leave any time soon.
During this same conversation, he said some very revealing things. He said that he has been disrespectful to me and that he has been acting like an adolescent with his tantrums and rude behavior. He said that I need to put my foot down and not tolerate this in our house. He said that he wants to show me respect and that he has been negligent. I was silently crying on the phone. He was talking as if he loves me again. This is all just so crazy. Is this the same man that said that he has never been attracted to me? Is this the same man that said that our M was a mistake? He said that it would take a miracle for him to feel differently about me because he didn't think that those feelings ever really existed. I NOW BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!
I'm definitely in piecing! Thank you to everyone who has helped me get here!!!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Christine, WOW, great news, hope I can get here someday? things are looking up in your sitch for sure, keep up the hard work, hopefully you are in the homestrech.
I am still hangin but barely, no help from W at this point 5 months down.
