Has Christine graduated to piecing?

[ChristineE]

Thanks ogda, alaska, dagny and Karen for coming by my thread.

Today I carry with me a big sense of dread and anxiety. Now that my H is moving towards me, I can't be with him for three weeks. My traveling has been a major contributing factor to the breakdown of my M. After 3 months of he77 and abuse, my H snapped out of it. We havn't ML yet, but we were definitely moving in that direction and then I had to leave. My H's Love Language is quality time. After the bomb on Nov 2, I curtailed my traveling and decided to spend quality time with him like I used to do before I had this job. This along with other changes in behavior and attitude that I made, tipped the scales in my favor. I have been away for almost a week now and I'm so afraid that the positive momentum that I had will be erased by my absence. It really feels like "more of the same" terrible stuff that drove us apart.

I'm going to reflect a little and focus on what has gotten me here to piecing.

First, I have an absolute belief that I can do it. In spite of seemingly hopeless odds (W not wanting to work on M, wanting a quick D, OW, etc), I believed that I could succeed in changing my sitch by changing the dynamics of the R.

Secondly, I chanaged the things that I had control over immediately. I changed my attitude and I changed the way that I reacted to H. I put a stop to all arguments. I refused to engage in warfare with H. If he wanted to have a calm discussion with him, then it would be upon his initiation. I didn't react to the hurtful things that he said to me.

Third, I vowed to show unconditional love. No strings attached. I took the attitude that my H is sick and all I can do is hold his hand (metaphorically) and show empathy. Whenever he would get mean and ugly, I would think about how much pain he is in and how much he is suffering with his depression. I knew that all of this pain and anger wasn't about me...it was about his illness. I just stuck to my unconditional love to get us through.

Fourth, I had to be strong. I didn't know that I could be so strong. There were days that I thought I would buckle under the pressure, but I didn't. I kept up a positive front, I gave love unconditionally and I never backed down. I started to see it as a battle of wills. Positive vs. Negative. Whoever backed down first would lose and eventually he couldn't keep up the negativity because my positive energy was so strong.

Finally, I never mentioned the A. I knew that, if I did, he would just deny it and I would show weakness. I treated it as a non-issue and it eventually fizzled out. I think that the A coincides with his distancing and now his reconnecting with me. It's kind of scary that something like this can shake my world and I will have to address this further when we are more deeply into piecing. This cannot happen again. I will not survive it next time. I must learn how to affair-proof my M.

Thanks again for everyone who has lent me so much encouragement. I don't think that I would be in piecing if it weren't for my friends here. ILY!

Christine