I'm 45, married almost 8 years. 1 kid, 6. H has a 16 year old. H is about to tun 40.
He does theater. He's been doing back to back shows since February. Out 5-6 nights a week, late nights coming in. We haven't seen much of each other.
About 4 weeks ago, on a Friday after a performance, he texted me at 2 am saying he'd been drinking (he NEVER did before) and is going to crash at some guy's house.
I don't hear from him at all Saturday. I called and texted, nothing. He finally texts me before his show and says he's fine. Doesn't come home. Sunday, nothing. Texts me at 11 pm saying he's too tired to drive and will come home before work Monday. Doesn't come home.
Finally shows up Monday night. I ask him what is going on. Says he's not a child and can do what he wants. And, oh yeah, he's "done".
Of course, it's all my fault. House is too messy, I don't want to have sex (I initiate all the time and he's "too tired), he has found these theater people who APPRECIATE him and VALUE him and he's the happiest he's been, maybe ever.
The staying out all weekend behavior has continued since. He didn't come home on the Fourth of July, so I had to take my kid out alone.
My 6 year old is DEVASTATED that his hero isn't here. I have nothing to tell him.
I still love him. I need this family to stay together. The effect this new behavior is having on my kid is heartbreaking.
Very sorry you're going through this! Just prepare yourself, because there are no quick fixes. It's a marathon, not a sprint. There is hope, but it's going to take a while. So take a deep breath, you've got plenty of time.
Originally Posted By: Serendipity5309
Of course, it's all my fault. House is too messy, I don't want to have sex (I initiate all the time and he's "too tired), he has found these theater people who APPRECIATE him and VALUE him and he's the happiest he's been, maybe ever.
You sound very dismissive of his comments. But you have to understand, these comments are HIS reality even if they're not yours. This is the way he sees things. If you want to have any chance of reconciling in the future, you have to see things from his point of view. You have to do 180's on what he sees as your faults in the M. And you have to table your own gripes about him, because DB'ing is all about the LBS doing ALL the work.
Quote:
My 6 year old is DEVASTATED that his hero isn't here. I have nothing to tell him.
Tell him that you are there for him. Assure him that he can always count on you. He needs some stability really bad right now. Your H is unstable, so you've got to step things up for your S.
Quote:
I need this family to stay together.
"Need" is very unhealthy. It's OK to "want" your H, but not to "need". Need is pressure, and you have to remove all pressure from him. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live those tips! No pressure, no M talk, no R talk. Give him time and space.
Hi Serendipity. I'm glad you found the forum and have ordered DR & DB. Hang in there and keep reading other threads until your books arrive. I'm very sorry you are hurting. There's no group of people who understand more than the wonderful folks here.
Keep posting. There's so much to get out in the beginning. Tell us more about you and more about your M. Although I am not one of them, there are a great number of people here dealing with parenting young children while navigating these rough waters. I know they can help you. Positivespin is a good thread to look to.
Right now... It's all about you. Taking care of you and your child. I know you don't feel like it (I didn't) but you have sooooo much time on your side.
When H starts the negative speak and blaming you. Just listen. Don't react or try to reason. Time. You've got it. Listen and process it for later. It will help you down the road to really listen...
(((((((BigHug))))))
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Serendipity5309 I completely understand. I have 4 year old twin boys. One of them is super attached to his daddy and is devastated. My H didn't see them for 5 days because we got into an argument. All I could do is reassure my son that I was there for him. Keep yourselves busy and make sure you talk to you son about his feelings. My son acts out a lot because he misses his daddy. I tell him to use his words instead.
Since your H is still in the house with you all maybe you could just say he is working for now until you see what happens. Does your H know how its affecting your S?
We are all here for you. I hate to be the one that asks but do you suspect OW? Since he isn't coming home that's the first thing I thought of when I read your post.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
Serendipity5309 I completely understand. I have 4 year old twin boys. One of them is super attached to his daddy and is devastated. My H didn't see them for 5 days because we got into an argument. All I could do is reassure my son that I was there for him. Keep yourselves busy and make sure you talk to you son about his feelings. My son acts out a lot because he misses his daddy. I tell him to use his words instead.
Since your H is still in the house with you all maybe you could just say he is working for now until you see what happens. Does your H know how its affecting your S?
We are all here for you. I hate to be the one that asks but do you suspect OW? Since he isn't coming home that's the first thing I thought of when I read your post.
I do suspect OW. It wouldn't be the first time, unfortunately. My H knows how it is affecting my S, his attitude is I should lie to "protect" S.
I know what you are saying about my attitude about his feelings. I guess I have been reading too much into the MLC posts because it's he same excuses everyone else talks about. I have 180ed on a bunch if stuff, but he says he thinks it's all fake.
"Eventually, one of two things will happen. He will realize you are worth it, or you'll realize he isn't. "
Tonight, he didn't come home. Supposedly traveling for work. But no text or call as to where he's staying, if he arrived at all, no good night to my S.
I'm waiting for my copy. My GAL activities are organizing my spaces, seeing old friends and spending more time with my S. I'm also doing things like replacing my ratty old phone case (before I would have spent the money on him) and gettin some new make-up and clothes.
I'm essentially ignoring him. If he texts me, I write back, but I don't initiate. Same with calls. Stopped saying ILY because I was tired of him never saying it back.
"Eventually, one of two things will happen. He will realize you are worth it, or you'll realize he isn't. "
Hang in there! You're doing fine. Keep getting out and doing things for YOU. I hope you books have arrived. Before mine came I spent some time on Youtube watching Michelle (MWD) on video. They were very helpful, guiding and comforting.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
