Dropping the Rope

[littleGTO]

It's been a couple of weeks since I last posted. A lot has happened with me.

A switch flipped. I am done. I no longer want to wait to see if somewhere down the line my H might change his mind about OW he has been in love with for the past 18+ months.

He confirmed his path has not changed. He is unwilling to give her up.

I am unwilling to waste any more of my life hoping and praying that he will change his mind and actions after all this time.

I starting DBing before I even knew about OW or that my M was in deep trouble.

I did not save my M BUT I DID SAVE MYSELF!

My H and I sort of came to the same place at the same time. Dropping the rope for me DOES mean DIVORCE.

I don't want a divorce, but he does. And, I DO want a partner in life. I DO want to heal. I DO want to forgive my H for his choices. I DO want to love someone and receive their love in return. (And, yes, I do have 3 wonderful boys who I love and love me back, but it is not the same as a life partner).

And, for me I have realized that means I need to let go. Completely.

Will my heart allow me to let go? Probably not for a very long time, but I know I need to do this FOR ME.

Without going into a whole lot of less useful details I wanted to share with you that I received CLARITY...a gift from GOD that gave me the freedom and permission to let go.

I can tell you that I had a conversation w my H right before I left on my week-long trip w my SIL in which I asked if he was still pursuing this OW. I DID want the answer. And, although the answer wasn't what I wanted to hear, it was what I expected to hear.

I cried and cried and cried some more. But, I knew for me I had arrived in a new place.

I went on my trip. I connected more to God. I connected to my SIL & have gained a new R w her that I would never have had if this hadn't occurred.

I went on a trip right after that w my boys & met up w my entire family in the midwest. I was sad and so wanted to enjoy their company. But, I couldn't knowing what was to come.

Sure enough I returned late last night and H showed up to see the boys today. He initiated conversation about where we are headed. The "D" word surfaced.

We talked and I cried. I took a break to throw a plate against my basement wall. IT felt both good and bad.

My H hugged me several times, but it did nothing to stop the hurt.

We talked about the kids and visitation. We talked about the house. We talked about the boat. We agreed on nothing.

This may be a long road ahead- not one I look forward to, but I do want to get to the "other side" where I can move forward, heal, forgive, and maybe some day when I am ready a new man will come into my life.

First, I need to arrive at happiness myself. I am heading in the right direction thanks to DBing!

I have been so fortunate to have found this site--I don't believe it was accidental. Thank you to all of you here.

I am not done here, but I am in a new place and will need your help navigating the tough road ahead.