My Story - Need Help... Is there hope?

[truelovewaits]

That's OK, many of us started out on the wrong foot. Just don't do that anymore!

Thanks - We don't talk at all anymore. So I don't think that is a problem.


This is pretty common, once a WAS decides they are done then they focus on every bad thing that ever happened in the M and magnify it while conveniently forgetting every good thing that ever happened. We call it "rewriting history". This helps them to justify their behavior to themselves and others, they convince themselves the marriage was ALWAYS bad.

Yeah, she really has rewritten a great deal of our history. She now only sees me as a brother, and well blames me for everything that has gone wrong in her life since we have been together. It hurts. I tried to reason and that did fail. I wish I knew then what I know now...

You can't reason with a WAS. They are driven by emotions, not logic.

Yep.... If only I had a chance to see if we could have reignited our passion, if we could have broken the patterns perhaps the emotions would have changed.


Read Sandi2's 37 Rules, don't ever initiate these types of conversations!

I pretty much did everything wrong here. I really didn't like that she was betraying our marriage and lying to me. I also didn't want our marriage to fail as I loved her. This conflict didn't help. I lost myself there. All I can say is that I blew it.


You CAN'T reason with her!!!

Again, learned that lesson. You are 100% right.

DO NOT enlist the help of family members!! You are applying pressure to her from every direction. That's just going to push her farther away. The way she sees it, you're getting everyone to gang up on her. She sees YOU as the problem, and everything you do is just reinforcing her belief that you are controlling and manipulative. You've got to stop, pull back, give her time and space.

This is so true. I really messed up with that and the way I handled everything. I was trying to save my marriage and at the time it seemed like a good idea. I was grasping at sand as hard as I could.



Don't TELL her you've changed, words mean nothing to her right now because she's heard a lot of hollow promises. You've got to show her your DB'ing through actions, not words.

True. I don't even know how to do that now though.


There is hope as long as you care to hold it in your heart.

Please elaborate on this..



Read DR, follow the principals. Work on you.

I am working on me and have read DR. I think it maybe too late. What can I do? How would I contact her? What would I say? Can I ever trust her again? I don't want to be a second choice to anyone either if it doesn't work out. At the same time I do care for her and believe in marriage. I'm haunted by this conflict.

No, you'll never have your old W or old M back. That's all gone. You might be able to build a new R with your W some day though. That's the goal. But first you must become the spouse only a fool would leave. Work on YOU. Good luck!

I think I am there right now, and really close. I have no way to let her know now. I made every mistake possible. I just wish I had these tools then. I wish I had reacted better and were properly aware of how to handle it. I wonder if it would have made a difference, I believe it would have helped and maybe given a second change. Now it is just me. When you say a new relationship do you mean there is a chance that we can actually be in a romantic relationship again?

I am working on me. I've lost a lot of weight and I'm close to in shape (before all of this happened it was a goal of mine.) I'm thinner now than I was when we first started dating, my goal is to get to my fighting weight. I'm really happy right now, life is amazing. It just isn't as sweet without her. I mean it's like I have everything except her.

The thing is life is good and has been. I'm meeting amazing people, I'm out all of the time with friends both new and old. I'm experiencing life in a way that I can't even explain. I'm doing amazing things.

All of this though leads to moments where I want to share that with her. I will get rewarded at work or honored for an event and a part of me feels incomplete that I'm sharing this with her. I am enjoying meeting new people, but I do find I compare them to her - our friendship and intimacy was exceptional when it was great. In the end it wasn't as strong but it literally was a day to day surprise before we finally split.

Now there is nothing and I'm moving forward I just honestly believe that what we had was special and worth fighting for.

I'd like to know more about your experiences and how should I move forward. I don't know how I would contact her if I could and what i would say. I know she is also very stubborn. I just have to say that I wish I had another shot. I wish she could see things and what was happening to us and how that isn't a factor anymore. I wish she could see how I've changed.

However, I know she doesn't want to and that is all there is to that. It's tragic to realize such things, I know in the end it will pass and just become wisdom. This is one area in life where the experience and wisdom gained is not worth the price...