Something I found out today has led me to a deeper understanding of XH's actions.
I am going through the very few financial docs that XH submitted to the court under discovery.
Just about fell off my chair to see that a couple of months after BD, OW had "loaned" XH's business (the one that has been failing for years and was propped up by my income and for which I had to mortgage the house) $15,000.
There's probably more loans from her, but i don't have access to more recent records from his business.
She has also been providing him with a place to live since he left, taking him on luxury holidays to Europe, buying him a new wardrobe, paying his employee's salaries.
XH is in so deep financially with OW that even if the fog did ever lift and he had regrets about leaving his family, he would be unable to extricate himself from his financial obligations to her.
She literally 'bought' him. Or alternatively, he has prostituted himself to keep his business afloat.
He took all of my assets, those of my parents and also those of our kids to keep his business going, and when that ran out, he moved on to OW and started doing the same.
He must loathe himself.
How strange that the business is so important to him. It was never viable and yet he's been using other people's money to keep it going for around 10 years. He must not believe he has any identity independent of it.
Sorry to hear this. But if she wants to be the new bank of your XH then let her. It's one thing to support a spouse in these circumstances but quite another to support a boyfriend (or whatever it is you call this). Think about the mentality of her ... shes buying love. Sad all around.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
In some sense finding out about this has made me feel a lot better.
I suppose i see a lot of what XH has been doing with OW as driven by the money she provides him (rather than a 'real' relationship).
On the other hand, it has pretty much quelled any hope I have of him ever being able to extract himself from his current way of living/thinking.
There comes a point when things are so hopeless financially that there is no possibility of getting out.
Anyway, this knowledge of what's been going on is starting to give me a much needed sense of closure.
I think it's been the flabbergasting nature of what's happened to my M that has thrown me for so long. There was just no explanation for why or how the specifics were unfolding the way they were.
Now I am starting to see what was going on, and it all begins to make sense.
NLW, it is good that you are getting a clearer picture of you XH’s relationship with OW. He got himself into a mess that is for sure will be hard to get out of. But, having your money invested in his business and mortgaging the house didn’t stop him from walking away from M. Maybe one day he will not like himself for what he’s done.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Funny how things become apparent to us isnt it? The more we sit quietly the more is revealed.
The OW in my sitch has not given H that much money, but it is apparent blahs and her parents are the new source of my H's financial backup. Pretty pathetic isn't it?
Like yours, my H is in so deep I don't know how he could ever get out of it even if he wanted to.
I have come to accept that it is not my problem. I am leaving it in Gid's hand and living my life. Your H is in God's hands as well.
If the enabling codependent OWs in our sitches want to take care of these men-children, let them. They can have these broken men. Let them try to fix them. They will need all the help they can get.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
BF, You're right, Walking away from debts sure doesn't seem to bother XH.
But that's what worries me about his latest escapade. He just can't see anything wrong with what he does. He may well decide that OW is not 'the one' for him eventually, despite all the money she's given him. If he does, though, that constitutes a problem - for me, because he is not fixed (in that he can't see how wrong it is to treat people like this).
If he doesn't - because he finally wakes up to what is right and proper behaviour, he will be obligated to stay with her because of what she's done for him. And that constitutes a problem for me too.
The only solution appears to be WH's 'leave it to a higher power'. All too complicated for my poor brain.
It's so obvious that all is not well in the land of OWs.
Just wish karma would kick in a little quicker....
Originally Posted By: wishing, hoping
If the enabling codependent OWs in our sitches want to take care of these men-children, let them. They can have these broken men. Let them try to fix them. They will need all the help they can get.
I've had a few emotions in response to learning about the money from OW.
Humiliation, sadness, resignation.
But just mainly a sort of increased understanding of what is probably driving XH.
He rang me today to spew about my objection to his claimed income level on the child support application. He was outraged that i'd suggested that his current standard of living did not seem commensurate with an annual salary just a little above the unemployment benefit. Bollinger anyone?
He told me that "People only ever act out of self interest. Everyone does it." Wonder if that's what he whispers in OW's ear in romantic moments as well?
Each of the kids and i got a call on our mobiles from a debt collection agency looking for XH tonight - yet another unpaid debt that he has run up.
He is really in deep.
Interestingly, he rang me later and apologised for speaking so rudely to me. Hasn't done this for a long while. He is cycling like crazy (literally).
