Have you reached out to the OMW? She may have insight that you lack. You are fighting for your marriage, you need all the info you can get. You will also need her eyes and ears to keep the OM away.
The way you spoke down to and shamed your wife six weeks ago was a huge mistake. You can't take it back now, but do not repeat it no matter what you hear from the OMW. Don't despair- I made the same mistake and still recovered my marriage, but it probably extended my pain for an extra 9 months.
Realize that the OM only builds up her esteem, never making her feel bad (even about destroying her family!). For him, everything is great! She gets nothing but affirmation about what a kind, beautiful, caring and sacrificing person she is. He asks her "why are you with this husband that treats you so awfully?". "You deserve so much more!". Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there's you. You shame her about her past actions. You make her feel like a bad person. You think she is a horrible cheater. Which person's opinions do you think she wants to hear, in her heart?
I know how you feel. I know that what she has done is reprehensible. I get it. She should be kissing your butt for still staying with her. The problem is, she does not see it that way. Not right now. Eventually, maybe, but not right now. So I you really want her back, you cannot point out her mistakes, nor make her feel bad for hurting you. What you did that day was frighten her right back into her shell of withdrawel. She is on emotional lockdown. In fact, you may be causing her to long for conversations with the OM. He understands her, she'll think. He'll know what I should do. He'll make me feel better about myself, not guilty. He knows what I've been through......
Get your reactions in check. You can't control the way you feel when you hear these things from your W, but you can control how you react. Eliminate your disrespectful comments. They are hurting your marriage in the long run way more than helping you feel better in the short term. Be her biggest fan. Continue being a great husband. At the same time, don't be a fool- you need to know that there is no one else fogging up your attempt at reconciling with your W.
