Which is the truth?

[forlovessake]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting, and I hope I get all the acronyms and what not right! I've noticed I'm a bit younger than many members, but perhaps this means I'll get some wise advice

My story: H and I have been married five years, together for eight. We have a two year old DD. We married fairly young, and are now 28 (H) and 26 (me). We are each other's first everything, having never even lived together before marriage. H and I have always been pretty bickersome and had fairly opposite interests. He is a mechanic who is into cars and all that comes with them, while I have a more professional job and enjoy conversation, eating out, reading, movies, etc. Neither of us drinks or smokes and that has always been helpful.
I feel that many of our decisions (to marry, have a child, and buy a house) were done as much out of expectation and wanting the American Dream as they were out of love. That said, I love my H deeply and do not regret any of them. When D was born we started fighting quite a bit. I feel I stepped up to be a parent and H did not. He seemed, and still does, to resent having to give up social activities to spend with her. We started fighting much more and he started withdrawing. He never acted happy to spend time with D or myself; always just bored or uninterested, like he could have fun if he was doing something he liked/had selected. He started working more (6 days a week, long hours) and still went out with friends. Also, he’s always had a general arrogance and disrespect towards me which not only continued but also increased (example: he was on his phone trying to buy a motorcycle the whole time I was in labor).

Six months ago he said he wanted a divorce during a fight. We agreed to really work on our marriage for a few months and re-evaluate. Not much changed. He continued going out and being disengaged in family life and I continued nagging and “fighting mean” as he would say (name calling, threatening divorce myself sometimes, etc..awful I know), and taking some stress out on him. In April he told me he had kissed another woman and I should divorce him. Said it was a customer he no longer was in contact was, but that he had accepted I would divorce him as I always said I would if he cheated. I told him I would not divorce him over a kiss and I wanted to do counseling. He refused to go (went once, but refused to speak). He started pulling away even more. Out nearly every night till 2 AM, working even more, saying nearly daily he didn’t want to be married (he’s no good at it, feels trapped, never should have been). We got in an especially bad fight and he told me he had made up the cheating story to get me to divorce him, as he wanted one but didn’t want to be the one to do it (confirmed this was true through other sources, do believe it). I was angry and confused. He then said he was going to be the wedding date of a different female friend, but it was “just friends.” I said it was inappropriate and he said he told her he was getting a divorce. Definite EA, but this has cooled off greatly. They haven’t seen each other (I have verified this) since the wedding on 6/8, which is also the day he moved out (this was a combination of him threatening to in the morning and me saying yes he should at night after finding out about EA).

So, now my source of confusion. He gives me two stories for why he’s filing for divorce (currently filed as separation, but he’s in the process of changing to a divorce). One story is that I’ve ruined marriage for him. I’m mean, nagging, threatened divorce, called names, and never seemed happy. He was miserable and can’t do it anymore. He never felt like I loved or even liked him. The other is that it’s “him not me”. He’s too selfish, was never meant to be married, doesn’t like the accountability/responsibility, loves D but doesn’t love being a parent. He needs to find happiness and see what he’s missing in terms of friends and good times (has a new group of friends who are single bachelors). Then also adds he loves me and misses me, though this is becoming less and less as I beg and pursue more and more. He’s been gone for six weeks and has seen D minimally. Has occasionally made remarks on how “maybe one day we’ll get back together, but there’s no hope now and he’s never getting married again.” And how “he does love and miss me, and hurts so bad.”
So which is it and how do I respond? Is he too selfish and not wanting this life, or is it all me being mean? He goes between one and the other, never saying maybe we both made mistakes. It’s either all me or it’s all him trying to play a role he shouldn’t have (vs truly being accountable for how he was, it seems). My DC suggested 180, and I’m trying but it’s hard! I have for a few days now though. Any insight? Hope?