Well, it is official. I have filed and my wife will be served in roughly a week. My L indicated that since my W is an accountant and has a very good understanding of our finances that we should try to negotiate our own agreement without getting L involved. We have a lot of property and some confusing financial arrangements that she thought would be better sorted out informally. I am going to talk to my W about it this weekend.
I spoke with my W last night and let her know that I was filing this morning. She was very upset. She thought we had agreed to wait. I told her that I couldn't live like this any longer. I also pointed out that I sent her a message about changing her behavior or we would need to "Divorce immediately". Her behavior didn't change. I don't know what she expected would happen?
She asked what she would have to do to stay in this marriage. Could she go to Haiti, could she keep her friends, could she continue to go out, etc... I told her that I needed/deserved a real wife. That I needed to be loved and respected, that I would need to feel that she was committed to our marriage and that I was a priority in her life. These OM relationships need to end completely.
Her response: "So, I have to choose between being a miserable wife, or being happy?"
I didn't know what to tell her. I think she is completely irrational. Her new life is not going to make her happy, and there isn't a single reason why she can't find happiness in our marriage. But, whatever, that is where her mind is at. I just know that I can't do this anymore. I didn't say anything in response.
I also know that I am not going to accept a marriage with a "miserable" wife. If her heart doesn't truly change, then I don't want to be married to her. She has a long way to go through replay before she is ready to come back to a marriage. I can't wait.
She wanted to know if she could go to her softball game tonight, or if she needed to come home right away? I told her she could do whatever she wanted. I explained that the D process takes a lot of time and that she should just calm down and think things through. I was going to file and start the process regardless of anything she does. She didn't get home until after 1am.
If my wife and I are ever to reconcile, I am convinced it has to be after a 'D'. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't care about me, and only wants to use me for security. I am not going to sit in limbo for years while she explores other options and builds a financial foundation to leave me. she will never have to deal with the consequences of her actions if I am always in the background taking care of the kids, paying the bills and being her plan 'B'.
With all that being said, I am very sad and trying not to cry. I love my wife, value my marriage and am very depressed with the reality that it is really ending. I know it has been over for a while, but there is something about filing for D that makes it very real.
Interesting that she wanted to stay in the marriage, but continue to have her affairs etc. Do you think perhaps she would meet the definition of a sex addict? Or does she just suffer from depression that she is medicating with the dopamine high of affairs?
I agree with you, in this situation, it's not likely to change until after (or maybe right before) a divorce is final. She's not currently willing to change her behaviors, and won't so long as you enable them.
It's very sad for all involved, but I suspect there will be relief when you are in separate households.
What does your attorney say about her not contributing to the household expenses? And as for your attorney saying you should settle the finances informally - that sounds a bit off to me. Yes, if your wife was perfectly cooperative and sane, that's be one thing - but she doesn't sound like she is.
You should at least get some guidance from your attorney as to how a judge might look at a settlement. The whole point of mediation is to reach a compromise settlement that is fair and likely to be similar to what a judge might order.
Are you in a community property state? What properties were bought before you married, and what after? Who has what in retirement accounts?
You might want to consult with a financial advisor who specializes in divorce BEFORE you start negotiating with W. There are various tax ramifications, for instance, that need to be taken into account. (For instance, if you pay her alimony, it is deductible to you on your taxes, and she has to pay taxes on it as income).
In my community-property state, for example, a reasonable settlement might look like this:
Assets acquired during the marriage, including retirement funds, split 50:50. (Formulas for splitting defined benefit pensions are a little different).
Debts split 50:50
Alimony to the lower earning spouse for 1/2 the number of years married (may not apply if her income is good and she never mommy-tracked her job).
Child support based on a formula and influenced by % custody.
//Do you think perhaps she would meet the definition of a sex addict?//
Absolutely not. As a matter of fact, I think she has issues with sex. Maybe abuse in her past? I believe she has issues with an absentee dad and the need for affirmation from men. She claims these relationships don't involve sex. I don't believe her, but I suspect if they do, it is the men who initiate.
//What does your attorney say about her not contributing to the household expenses?//
She says that as long as we are married, all assets are community property. Wether the bills come out of my account or hers is insignificant. It is only an illusion that I am paying the bills.
She may be a love addict instead of a sex addict, but there is something definitely peculiar going on here.
Usually a woman who is just a WAS would not argue to stay in the marriage; it's usually quite the opposite, they can't wait to get out (at least at first). Her behavior seems more that of an addict - she wants to have her addiction (drugs, alcohol, sex, or "love" addiction) but doesn't really want the rest of her life to change.
Based on my web research and discussion with L, I have a pretty good idea of what to expect. My W does also, which is why L encouraged us (if possible) to come to an equitable agreement without involving L. Each of our L could then review and concur that it is equitable.
She said that if we can come to terms this way, we will save a ton of money and acrimony.
I believe my W's resistance to D is anxiety over the process and concerns of being able to manage without me. If we could put something together that resolves this anxiety, I think she would be extremely willing to work with me on an agreement.
I also think she would be very generous with my long term savings (401k, pension, etc), house and custody arrangements, if I was willing to assume more than my share of short term debt and higher short term spousal support.
I really want to help her with this transition so she can lose her resentment toward me and really begin dealing with her issues. Regardless of what she thinks, I am not the source of her unhappiness.
//HOwever, once you have filed, doesn't she have to pay towards the mortgage etc - or move out?//
No. In fact, part of the filing was a requirement that all spending remain status que. In essence, I committed to continue paying the bills I am currently paying throughout the process.
