Laying down my heart and feeling the power

[RosaLinda]

Hi Portia! Yes, I feel a little better. What -- they don't use ice in England? I'm flabbergasted! No cold drinks? Not even beer? Or frozen margaritas? How do they survive the summer?

Thanks for writing this: "There is no doubt that he needs to learn his lessons and have the fantasy disintegrate. When it does, I see him coming towards you. He has to come to a point where he realizes that he can't have his cake and eat it, too. When someone - either you or the Russian - by deed or words - insist that he get off the fence and make a choice. He has not really had to make a choice before.
Be gentle with yourself, too. Move forward in small, manageable steps. I found that I was taking on too much and it only stressed me out more. Sometimes I needed to be alone and I needed the peace. You can do this - all of it!"

I know my H is seriously cake eating. Some folks have advised me to call him out on it, but I'm trying to let it just ride for now. Maybe I'm a coward, but I'm hoping RT is the one who will insist he get off that fence. You know she is constantly pushing him to divorce me, but I don't expect she'll be so keen on marrying him once she realizes he does not have a job. And has been too sick to hold down a full time job since 2007. Thanks for your hope for my sitch in the future, and for your advice. I get so angry with myself. Always think I should be doing better already, you know?

Thank you uR and SA. Yes it does hurt, so so much. I am defintely NOT strong yet SA, but am bucking up a little, getting stonger. I still have times when I feel sad and cry, but a lot more times when I don't and am happy I guess the sadness won't completely go away anytime soon. In a way, I am really looking forward to him leaving, it is so hard to be here with someone who ignores me 90% of the time. It won't be like when he disappeared with RT the first time, I"ll know where he is. I wonder if he will contact me to let me know he arrived safely etc. I don't think I should contact him unless I hear from him first.

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Yesterday S27 asked me what is wrong with his dad. I asked him what he means, and he said that his personality has completely changed. He has dropped all of his friends, and does not even really ever see or talk to his family anymore. He only talks to RT every day. He does not even talk to his other language exchange partners on skype just RT. He is crabby and does not seem to be interested in anything anymore. He doesn't have any hobbies anymore. You will be talking with him, and he just wanders away. Never exercises. Eats strange food. He used to be very involved in the church and now won't go and has a girl friend. I told S27 that H is depressed, and he said no it's more than that. I told him that I think he might be in mid life crisis, and that I have been talking to a counselor who advises me that if I wait it out, he will eventually wake up and may want to reconcile our marriage. I told him how MLC often follows the stages of grief that he learned about in college. This is the son who wanted to kick H out when he took off with RT in March. I don't know if I did the right thing, but feel better that he knows what the real problem is, as he already knew that his dad left to be with another woman for two weeks in March.

H just came home. I am in my office in the basement, and started to go upstairs to say hello, then thought about me hanging on to his pants leg, him dragging me along, and went back downstairs. I could hear him climb the stairs to his bedroom any, skype time.