Interesting that she wanted to stay in the marriage, but continue to have her affairs etc. Do you think perhaps she would meet the definition of a sex addict? Or does she just suffer from depression that she is medicating with the dopamine high of affairs?
I agree with you, in this situation, it's not likely to change until after (or maybe right before) a divorce is final. She's not currently willing to change her behaviors, and won't so long as you enable them.
It's very sad for all involved, but I suspect there will be relief when you are in separate households.
What does your attorney say about her not contributing to the household expenses? And as for your attorney saying you should settle the finances informally - that sounds a bit off to me. Yes, if your wife was perfectly cooperative and sane, that's be one thing - but she doesn't sound like she is.
You should at least get some guidance from your attorney as to how a judge might look at a settlement. The whole point of mediation is to reach a compromise settlement that is fair and likely to be similar to what a judge might order.
Are you in a community property state? What properties were bought before you married, and what after? Who has what in retirement accounts?
You might want to consult with a financial advisor who specializes in divorce BEFORE you start negotiating with W. There are various tax ramifications, for instance, that need to be taken into account. (For instance, if you pay her alimony, it is deductible to you on your taxes, and she has to pay taxes on it as income).
