BD was May of last year. A family friend saw W was caught kissing OM in kids school parking lot after dropping them off in the morning. There was a bunch a trickle truths, but it turns out the OM was a mutual friend of ours. W and OM ended up in his car one day 2-3 months prior to be caught to finish a conversation because it was raining. Upon saying goodbye he kissed her. They kissed a few times over the few months leading up to May and were texting back and forth. There was about a week between finding out she kissed "some guy" to finding out it was our friend.
I had my suspicions and asked her if it was him, it wasn't until then that I got the ILBINILWY speech (more detail in my first original post). Our wives were friends. Our kids played together. They we're at our house often. They spent time with our extended family during parties etc. We became friends with them about a year prior to BD.
She said she just got a high from his attention and was somehow able to "turn off a switch" on her feelings/guilt. There had been a bunch of things that have been building up in her that finally come out:
- I've been dealing with anxiety/panic disorder periodically for over a decade. I travelled very little, always wanted to drive places by myself, never wanted to go far from home. She was always amazing during these times. She drove the kids everywhere, would go to family things without me and make up excuses why I wasn't there, went on trips with friends/family without me because I couldn't go. Although she was fine with this for a very long time she started to build up resentment towards me because of it. She said I could have made more of an effort to do things close to the house. She is right, and I completely understand how this has all caught up with her, shes basically had to take care of most things.
- We've worked together with my parents (partners) for the last 10 yrs. Her and I have helped grow the business tremendously. We always made it work. People used to ask how we did it and W used to say "he's the best part of my day". But over the last year or so she was building up resentment towards me because she worked harder than I did (this is half true). We obviously spend too much time together and that its finally caught up to us. (She said she wished I went away for a month just to see if she would miss me, we've never had a chance to miss each other as we we're together 24/7)
- W said she hadn't been attracted to me in a while, hadn't been proud of me in a while, lost some respect for me, I don't show enough physical and emotional affection, didn't make her #1, etc etc She said all these things ^^^ were "on her mind for a while and they all turned to concrete when she was caught. " That being caught "was her out". "A part of her wanted to get caught" (they kissed in kids school parking lot, we live in a small town and know lots of people)
She said she wanted to separate to figure out what she wanted. She said she would discontinue seeing or speaking to OM.
* As a side note the "family friend" that caught W kissing OM told my family so they all knew. We work with my parents. When we separated W sent text to my entire family telling them that she was sorry and that she needed time to figure out what she wanted in life. She also promised there would be no outside influences (referring to OM).
We separated for about 6 weeks. She said she enjoyed her time by herself. After 6 weeks she said she wanted to come back home because "being on her own has been too easy and she's not working on the marriage that way."
(I felt like I was a changed person overnight. I guess the threat of losing your W and family will do that. I 180'd all of her concerns, I got in shape and have never looked back.) So it was the end of June last year by this point. OM and his family had since moved to the town over from us. OMW had no idea any of this had happened. I contacted OM at time of BD, he begged me not to tell his W. I told him I wouldn't if he vanished from our lives. I just wanted them gone. Told him he'd have to figure how to cut ties between his W and mine. (His W and my W best friend were also close. So I'm sure OMW was wondering what was going on when both the girls weren't returning her calls.)
We started MC. It was very helpful. It showed how poor our communication was.
We spent the summer doing lots of things as a family. Things went very well. Our S life was getting back on track.
Then we hit a "turning point" in October.
I caught W calling OM. She trickle truthed for a couple days but she called him a few times during September. W sister (who I am very close with) ran into OM. He proceeded to tell her he had lost his job and his grandmother was in hospital. So W called him.
W said she just called him "as a friend", and "they didn't say anything inappropriate to each other." I couldn't believe it (at the time). I asked her how she'd be willing to risk everything to talk to him "as friends". She said "he's the only person that knows what I've been through", then said "she realized how stupid it was", "I don't have any feelings for him, I just felt bad" etc.
I very calmly said "I need to take a step back from this marriage to figure out what I want, I can't do this anymore". W started sobbing and apologizing, begging me to give her another chance.
I left it for a day to make sure she just wasn't talking out of emotion.
A day later she sent me this letter:
I’ve been trying to find a deeper, and maybe a more meaningful way to tell you I’m sorry. But I know it’s an endless search. There’s only one way, and it’s in my actions. This is why I’m writing you this letter. I’ve crumbled our wall of trust, now for a second time. I realize that we’re starting all over again, brick by brick to rebuild it. I know it won’t be easy, but I promise I will put 100% into it. I’m so sorry for making you hurt and feel the way you are. I’ve been completely selfish, and for some reason I felt entitled to it. I blame myself, and regret not trying as hard as you have been. I’m not sure how I thought we could get better, if I wasn’t committing myself entirely to the process. I never want you to feel silly, ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed, or broken-hearted. And yet, I’ve managed to do so twice. I know that you will be sensitive to everything I do, and that time is needed. If I want this to work, I need to promise you I’ll be patient. (BC39) I promise I’ll be patient and understanding. I struggle with my fears, but I know I have to put them aside if I want the mortar to stick in our wall. I will be accountable to you. I want for you to tell me what you need. I will allow you to be vulnerable with me, and I with you. I promise to reassure you time and time again that I am in this. I will do whatever it takes. I Love You[/i]
She went on to say she felt like she had an "awakening" much like I did after BD.
Things got much better after this. She'd ask me numerous times daily if there was anything she could be doing for me etc. I was treating her the way she deserved to be treated.
Our MC they'd we'd been seeing since June thought we'd come to the end of the road with MC, she commended us for how far we'd come. MC said to come back if we needed anything in the future but we we're done. W agreed. I voiced my concern that it was too soon, but I just went along with it.
That was end of October last year.
Things were great for 7 months. I didn't want to let my guard down but we were at a "new normal". You could walk into our house at any given time and not know we'd ever had any problems. Sex life wasn't back to normal but getting better. There were certainly times when I thought "we're going to make it".
W started her own home based business but we had to transition her from our family business at the same time, so she started working from home doing both until we can fully transition her.
I was concerned that we hadn't had a R talk in a long time, so I wasn't sure if her feelings had changed or if she still felt the same way she did in the letter from Oct. Her actions said everything was good.
In April (this year) W only sister, who is married with 30 with 2 young kids separated from her H for very similar issues we've had. Her husband is a great guy (he's actually W best friends brother. My W and her best friend (who I'm also very close with) set them up. I love my SIL dearly, we're very close, but I obviously have a biased opinion on the matter.
So my W and SIL go up to my parents in law to tell them about what's happening. SIL wanted W to go with her for support. My W had the exact same convo with their parents exactly a year prior.
When W got home I asked her how it went. She said it went well and supports her sister. W is also close with the husband, they've been friends since they were kids (W best friends brother).
The whole thing obviously has me reeling as W and her sister are inseparable and I'm worried they're enabling each other. When she got home I flat out asked W (we hadn't had a relationship talk in a long time) "does your sister doing this make you want to do it as well?" She said "no" smiled and gave me a hug. I said "how do you think things are going with us?" She said "good, I think we're still working on it, but I'm glad I came back from our separation and I'm glad we're working on it".
When we went to bed that night W started to cry. She said she was "proud of her sister for doing this now before she did something stupid like I did"
Then 2 weeks later... end of May this year (a month and a half ago).
I get a text out of the blue from OMW. She said "did you know (W) sent (OM) a picture of her t!ts? they still have something going on"
My hear t sank. OMW had obviously just found out (a year later) about A. And I was angry, firstly because my W promised during BD that no pics were sent, and secondly that I was dealing with her A again.
I didn't raise my voice but I was angry. I showed W the text. After pausing for a second she said "that was last year during all this mess". I said "you promised me no pics we're sent, what else happened you're not telling me about?" She said the pic was of her cleavage and she was fully clothed. She said "I swear this all that happened".
She then started saying "I still feel the same way", still has "attraction issues" etc. I pointed out that she deflects to this when her indiscretions come up.
I said things I shouldn't have about how disappointed I was in her for doing what she did. I brought up a bunch of stuff she did and lied about during A and BD. This was the first time I'd brought her A since it happened.
I told her I wanted her to leave.
She asked to talk to me a couple minutes later while crying. The tone of convo was that basically that this M wasn't going to work. She didn't come right out and say it but it was implied.
So for a couple of days she worked from home during the day and stayed at our friends (her BF) down the street. I was feeling the same way I was after BD. I was devastated. I began to think that asking her to leave was a mistake, I handled it all wrong. Admittedly part of me did it hoping I would get the same response I did in October after I found out about phones calls. Manipulative I know.
After a couple days we were at home together before she was intending on going to her sisters, I asked to speak with her. I explained I asked to her to leave because I needed some time to think. I told her I wanted her to stay. She agreed. The next day we had a very long heart to heart, maybe the best one we've had in our sitch (more detail in posts) and came to the conclusion we both still want to work on M. The next week or so (first week in June) everything was good, the affection from her was still there, she initiated S.
Then the affections started to dwindle.
Everything else has been good. We still get a long great, we laugh a lot. She SEEMS happy most of the time.
But then she tells me the other day they she hasn't inclined to try to be intimate lately.
When I ask her about recent affection and S she chalks it up to "trying".
That takes us to when you started posting to me
M-38 W-32 D7, S4 M-10 BD-May '12 S for 1 month-June '12 Reconcile, Piecing
