Wendylon, here is my take on some of your points: 1. Think of your life situation as a choice. I know you feel stuck, and if you feel stuck, you feel as though you have no control. But you do have it. I don't think you want to end your M but what changes (small or large) can you make to the way you and your H interact that will improve the quality of your life w him? 2. Avoid comparing yourself to others. A lot of people seem super happy but you never know their realities. 3. A productive way to use your imagination is to picture the life you want and to feel what it would feel like to be there NOW. This exercise will lead you to changes you can make or provide answers to your questions. 4. I wouldn't trust your H either. Joe lied to me to my face many times even after I told him I really wanted the truth. He signed pieces of paper saying he'd stop lying. Nothing worked. So it's OK to feel the way you feel. However, try to focus on the positive things about him (like the work with autism.)
Hope this helps. Sending you a huge hug (((((((((((())))))))))))
