Hey Positivespin! What's shaking? Update us in your thread?
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Im certain that its the increase in my wellbutrin BUT "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"!
I want to believe this!
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A wise older man suggested that I REALLY think about this - "Do you want her back because it was SUCH a blow to your ego?"
Think really hard about this.
I'm not going to deny it was a huge blow to my ego. I don't even necessary mean the ego in the sense of "SHE dumped ME?" but rather "Oh god, you [censored] this up? You're such a [censored]-up sense!"
But I want her back for other reasons. I can love myself now. I can see hope and change for myself is possible where I couldn't see it before. I feel like I'm once again the person she fell in love with--better, actually! Most of all, I want her back because I miss her and love her and want one more to chance to show her how incredible and special she is. I know we can be a great couple again.
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How much worse could it be if you had your roots and she pulled this stunt? The TRO would then take your children away!
I would be utterly shattered.
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Could she/ would she pull it again?
Who knows? I would have to trust that she wouldn't. I don't think she would unless I gave her a reason to leave. Lord knows I gave her so many reasons to leave in the months prior to the BD.
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Im thinking about trying the movies by myself. Im scared and feel pathetic before I do it but after.............energized as hell.
Yeah, I've found that difficult--but worth it--too!
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The non- profit work- are you lifted when you leave? You did it! If your not patting yourself on the back each time- you need too.
Oh man, I'm so pumped when I leave! It's so nice to work at something you deeply care about where you contributions and skills are appreciated! (That's pretty much the direct opposite of my current job.)
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We are rebuilding- and we are upgrading. Maybe our new selves will re-attract our wives and the mother of my little girl- Maybe not
Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. (Shawshank Redemption)
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Lefty, you are one heck of a good guy and you just need a change in scenery. When you get that new job and you get the new clothes and you change your routine you will be one happy man........
"EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON"
Man, you put a big smile on my face today. So upbeat! I hope things are going as well as they can for you! Let us know what is happened!
So we have a big conference next week where we are supposed to hash out a settlement and it's making me really anxious. This may be one of the very last times I'll see her and I've been doing a lot of reflection.
After the BD, but before I got DB/DR and before the TRO, I screwed up big time by doing all the things a LBS isn't supposed to do: cajoling, arguing, showing her pictures of good times, etc. I can't help but wonder if I had discovered DB sooner if things would be different.
She refused to see me face-to-face after she left. She would make appointments for us to talk and then cancel, etc.
A week or so after the BD, I sent her a long letter apologizing, explaining what I thought did wrong in the marriage, explaining the changes I had made and was making, and how things could be different if we both tried. Her response was actually somewhat positive. She said I said beautiful things and that she would love to work on them but that we needed a separation for a long time. She said to get better and that we would keep talking but she couldn't make any promises. I screwed up by saying I was worried the longer this went on, the harder it would be to reconcile. Pressure. Oops. About a month later she filed the TRO.
When we were talking before the TRO, she said that she was going to leave earlier, but stayed because one of my parents died. I was despondent and without DB, so I said that I wished she had because it would be easier to hate her. Now I am concerned that she filed the TRO in part to make it easier to hate her. If so, it didn't work.
I have some questions for you guys, especially the vets and any former WAWs that might be reading this.
I know that as a LBH, there's nothing I can say to change things. Her fog has to lift on its own. But I know my wife and I'm worried she may assume the worst about at me and think that I hate her, that I'm trying to screw her with the settlement, etc. I've seen her do this with her friends and co-workers where once they are on her bad side, she reads everything they do and say in the worst possible light.
I really feel like I need closure and I need to apologize one last time, this time directly to her face at the conference, and let her know I don't hate her. Is there any point to this? Will it only harm any future hope at R? Divorcebusting is so hard when the WAW's complaint was not enough pursuit / engagement!
My therapist (and myself) think there may have been an OM at some point for various reasons. I know the common wisdom on the internet is "once a cheater, always a cheater." Do you guys think this is true? I don't know if I do or not.
How can I forgive myself for throwing my marriage away? I honestly don't know how.
Bumping with another question in addition to the above:
Am I stupid for wanting to R with my STBX in spite of the possible cheating, the TRO, etc.?
The first question is a little tougher, so I'll take this one.
No, you are absolutely NOT STUPID for wanting to R with your STBX. You are only stupid if you don't take this opportunity and learn and grow from it.
All the best,
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Do you not think she knows you are sorry? She does- Im sure you said it 50 billion different ways in your letter and the period of time after BD. No more apologizing.
Read Sandi 32's posts on others threads. She makes great sense to me and is completely applicable to your sitch.
If your gut says she had an affair- she had an affair. Dont overthink this. Dont dig for proof. She wanted you away and the TRO kept you away......She is trying to live the life that she thinks she was kept from while being stuck married to you.
stop mindreading and keep doing what your doing - because your doing it RIGHT!
Hows the job search???
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I know most LBS think this, but I don't know if she really does know. I mean, we haven't talked (text, email, phone, anything) since February and she can sometimes assume the worst of someone she is angry at.
I'm not overthinking and I'm not digging for proof about an affair. On one of our phone calls when I was talking about working it out she said "You'd never forgive me," and I told her that wasn't true. I'm just wondering what the DB community thinks of the adage about "once a cheater, always a cheater?"
Can somebody steer sandi2 here? I sure could use her input about the those three questions from yesterday.
PS: I have a job interview tomorrow for a position making 40% more than what I'm making now!
I think your W knows because you have already told her. My opinion is that you are looking for the same perfect works that will turn her around... the same words that all of us LBSs are looking for.
They don't exist. Seriously.
I compliment you on the weight loss. I have lost 90 pounds in the last year and a half. I know the positive effects it will have on your life.
I have been following your sitch for awhile. I don't always say anything because other people give you great advice and I would just be parroting them.
Remember... "Let your light so shine..."
I understand the depression you went through. I don't know exactly how you feel nor will I pretend to. I just understand it. I went through my own stuff.
Unemployment is a bitch. Looking for work is not a lot of fun. It is a job in itself. People who have never been through it don't understand. It is a blow to your ego. It weighs on your psyche. It creates self-doubt. BTDT.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
