BD One Year Later

[hopefulinga]

Change is upon us

Today is exactly one year from BD. The overall picture is pretty much the same, despite all of the ups and downs of the past 12 months.

I'm still at home, H has made no moves towards filing or scheduling any mediation or appointments to move this forward. While his over all demeanor and treatment of me is still below what I know I deserve, the D/splitting up doesn't come up unless he gets mad or frustrated with something/me. And he won't use any of those terms. He now says I'm holding his mortgage paperwork hostage. I told him I'd give them to him in mediation and I'm still waiting.

H is still spending a lot of money, despite the fact that he knows he's in debt. He's done nothing to change his habits. His one credit card is at the max as of today. Since he cut me off from paying business bills online, I've stopped looking at the balances to make sure he had ample spending power. He sees all checks that I write, so as a big boy, he should be able to add up his checks vs. his expenditures. He's spent over $300 from Saturday to today on food, gas and beer, which is what put him over the limit.

So, tomorrow will be interesting when I tell him not to use the card unless a payment posts tonight. I already know it will be my fault and I will endure all kinds of threats.

I'm still working on housing. I'm getting a little frustrated with the agency I am working through. However, I have to go through them to get the special state funding that I am trying to get.

D is now back to not wanting me to move even though she knows H is a jerk. She called him Oscar the Grouch the other day and almost bought him Grumpy the dwarf at the Disney store last week.

My GAL has been limited recently. I've been working a ton. I was teaching 2 classes at a time for 3 weeks and I've been working late in my office at least 1 night a week. My work has also interfered with going to AlAnon, which I miss.

I still have days when I am really fine with leaving and ready to move, and others where I want to see if I can stand a little bit longer. At this point, H is in MLC or some other crisis mode. He is definitely trying to run from his feelings and depression.

I've been doing my best to keep expectations low. I think I start to dread things like the interaction about the credit card because I am so over being blamed for everything, as if I was forcing him to swipe the card. And that is something that I just cannot validate. I refuse to validate any accusations against me that are blame shifting. I will validate feelings of not wanting to be with me, or other feelings. At the same time, I have to force myself to walk away and not argue over it.

So, same story, different year.

[hopefulinga]

We made it through the credit card issue without a major blow up, although I did try to steer clear of H for the most part. Today he told me he is meeting with the accountant next week to discuss options and needed his mortgage info, and then he was going to talk to a bank.

I asked him if I could be present at the meeting. I told him I understood this was his gig but I would appreciate the courtesy of being in the loop since I pay the bills. He said ok but made it clear he needed to know HIS options, not OURS.

He's honestly clueless that he's in massive debt because he is living well beyond his means. I don't care other than the fact that I want to make sure I don't get screwed out of all that I put into this marriage financially and I want to make sure that H can take care of his 50% for D since she will need life long care.

Then he got weird tonight and asked me where all of the stuff in the living room is going. That is my new mattress and stuff I need for when we move. He made a remark about where we were going to go when the dining room got cluttered, because the living room and guest bed room were full (with my stuff to move). It was like he expected me to put the stuff away somewhere. He never mentioned my moving out.

I ended up walking away before it could escalate.

Yesterday was a decent day over all. He cooked some food, I went to work for a little bit. He asked me to help him with something. I later did some house hunting.

A friend of mine posted a quote of FB having to do with marriage and not walking away when things get difficult and then compared it to walking away from your kids if they became difficult to parent. I sent it to H and I told him that I will not give up on him. While I hate the R that we are in, I know that he is going through some difficult stuff internally, along with the alcohol. Some days, I really do want to throw in the towel. Even if/when I move, I don't think I will give up immediately.

[hopefulinga]

H and I had an interaction yesterday that I was afraid would blow up, and it didn't. I feel like both of us acted a little differently.

H asked me several weeks ago about getting someone to trim our bushes. I called and got no response, so H said he would get the next person that he saw and I dropped my efforts. About a week ago, he got major PO'd when he was doing yard work and again said he was going to get the next person he saw because I hadn't done anything that he told me to do. I walked away and went back later to see if he wanted me to try again.

Long story short, I've been really busy and haven't had a chance to call. Yesterday D was at home and told me someone was working on the yard. I was irritated because she was home by herself and H didn't let me know, and also because I was about to start making calls and would have appreciated a heads up.

I called H and verified that he asked the person to be there. He didn't attack me for not calling and I didn't attack him for not telling me. So, that is a small step. However, I still think our ability to communicate is one of our biggest issues.

Otherwise, he is still pretty distant. Although one minute we can have a normal converstaion and then his distance switch flips. There is no pattern to any of this.

Our 18th anniversary is 7/15. I have zero expectations.

I asked H to go to an event with me on Sunday to support me for something. He hasn't responded and I have no expectations. I'll have fun no matter what.

Still working on financing for me. H is still blowing money with no clue about cash flow. That continues to amaze me. He knows he is in major debt but continues to spend with no thoughts to the consequences. He thinks he can refinances and pay everything off and be ok, but he is missing that if everything were ok, he wouldn't be in debt.

[Crazyville]

Hi, Hopeful. Reading your update makes me sad. It really isn't supposed to be this way, but I know you already know that. You are a very brave, strong woman for putting as much effort into it as you do, and for accepting some of the attitude/actions you get from your H. I'm pretty sure I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago and never looked back. I hope you're rewarded for your efforts in the long run.

Just curious, why would you want him to go to your event with you? Do you think it's even possible for him to be supportive?

[hopefulinga]

H did go with me on Sunday, to my surprise. CV, it was important to me because it was an event for the airport to select a new director and I wanted his input. I also wanted to give him the opportunity because I knew, even though he wouldn't admit it, that it was important to him as an airport user and vendor. It also helps his ego because he has "insider" information.

We had a very good time and when the people we were meeting asked about how we met, he told stories with a smile on his face and discussed enjoyable times.

At the end of the night, he gave me his opinions and I thanked him for his input and bounced some ideas off of him.

Today is our anniversary. I was in a meeting ALL day, which helped keep my mind off of the event. I didn't even think about it until I got home and I feel indifferent. I picked up fried chicken, which makes this the first otherwise celebratory time that I didn't make a nice meal since BD. I did not bring up the subject and neither did he. However, I always made a bigger deal out of it than he did.

Last year when I did make a nice meal he asked if it was our anniversary meal. For every event, I would initiate good wishes, kisses, dinner, etc. So my attitude today is a big 180.

As of today, still no follow thru on H's part to see an accountant. He made a threat with it last week and once again accused me of running up his credit cards. He was mad because I cut off a card that I guaranteed. I told him to give them all back to me and he refused, so I closed the account. I did that in April. I gave him back the cards that had no guarantee and told him so. He's forgotten that.

As with the D early on, the accountant/finances threats come when he is made about something.

The sad part is, again, the lack of recognition on his part. H has no understanding of cash flow. He knows his credit cards are maxed and his latest purchases have been to outfit a new golf cart. I think he sold the old one, for less than he bought the new one, but I haven't seen any check. If it was cash, he's hidden it somewhere.

On the wish list is something to make the welder MIG/TIG instead of just one of them, a new rolling tool cart, new sofa and loveseat for his office at the airport. And he's planning a trip a the end of the month to an airshow that he would fly to that is 700 miles away.

The spending is not stopping. It's like an addict that has to hit rock bottom before he comes out of it.

[Wendylon]

Hi Hopeful,

I can so relate to having an H that doesn't get money. I cringe when I read your posts sometimes because some aspects are so similar. Like your H, my H says all sorts of things when he's mad that he doesn't follow through on.

Well done on your 180s. It sounds as if you're feeling more detached, if a bit numb.

Take care

[Mimi00]

A friend of mine posted a quote of FB having to do with marriage and not walking away when things get difficult and then compared it to walking away from your kids if they became difficult to parent. I sent it to H and I told him that I will not give up on him. While I hate the R that we are in, I know that he is going through some difficult stuff internally, along with the alcohol. Some days, I really do want to throw in the towel. Even if/when I move, I don't think I will give up immediately.

My cousin posted this same quote on her FB yesterday and I thought about "sharing" in on my FB too so my H would happen to see it, but then decided not to. lol

I'm new to the boards so I have to go back an read your first thread, but I see your strength from what I've read thus far. Sending positive thoughts your way!

[hopefulinga]

Well, H and I survived riding in the car together today for the first time since BD. We dropped D off about 90 miles away. She is going to Florida with my mom for 10 days.

We talked a good bit about various things during the trip. No R talk, which was fine. I was curious if he was going to ask me if my mom knew what was going on. But he didn't.

Things that I might have argued with him over in the past, I let go. He wanted to go buy a tool box and I told him to go get it while I helped D get settled in. In the past, I might have made a fuss because he was going off on his own, but this time, I really didn't care.

I see signs of some fog lifting, but I have no expectations at all. I know it can flip in a second. If we can make it until D comes home without any blow ups, we will be doing well.

I am going to take advantage of the time to work longer hours and get caught up at work. I also want to get back out on the white water course.

[JuneReN]

Why don't you do something for you? Make some time and take that course. You also know that the initiation of D will come from you, right? Your h never will. Whether you do or don't is your choice now. As LBS this is often not always but often our power. It allows us to be absolutely at peace with our decision.

[hopefulinga]

Ruby, doing something for me is probably going to be catching up at work so I don't have a panic attack! I'm thinking maybe this weekend I will go white water. H's friend that I've mentioned before was with H on Sunday and we started talking about rafting and then having a beer at a brew pub. I was showing him pics on the internet and we were talking about beers we would try. H refuses to go with me and also isn't into microbrews.

So, that might be a plan for this weekend, but I think it also got to H a little bit. His fog has lifted quite a bit since then. He had to go to work out of town last night and called to let me know. This am, he let me know where he was working. We also had a few text conversations. Since D has been gone, I've barely seen him.

I have zero expectations with this, but find the behavior interesting. I think I've said it before, but H is in some kind of MLC. The man is liking pics of women who are young enough to be his daughter. Yuck!

I know that he will never file or follow through with anything he says he will do. D is back and forth between wanting us to move and us staying as a family.

Only time will tell, but I am also not willing to stay in the same kind of R. Example, when we went out on the 14th, I looked the best I had in a looong time, and I know that I looked good. H never said a thing to me. However, he is quick to give other women compliments, even skanky ones.

We are not at the point where we can discuss this and I don't know that we ever will. H cannot take any type of criticism and feels that I should know how he feels about me and he shouldn't have to say it.

Only time will tell where we end up, but I think I am prepared either way.