The ups and downs of DBing

[Wendylon]

Thank you so much, Tori, for stopping by. You're right that H sees me as the police and carries on avoiding me. I don't want a half-lived life either but I can't see that leaving H will help. I feel stuck.

Over a month later and I'm still in the same sitch except that S18 and D16 are away so H's behaviour is more in my face. S13 isn't a witness and it makes me think that S18 and D16 act a bit like brakes on H's acting out.

By his own admission, H isn't doing very well at the moment. He's full of resolutions but I've heard that so many times that I practically prefer not to hear about his well-meaning intentions.

Last weekend, he threatened to move out after I'd asked him if he'd followed through on two financial chores. He claimed he couldn't stand it anymore. I just stayed out of his way and he was back to normal by the next morning. Later we talked a bit about his outburst and said that I'd been over-reacting as he in no way meant that he was leaving the family just that he needed a break. It's certainly not how it sounded at the time.

By mistake I opened a letter addressed to him. I found out that he's trying to get a loan and this letter was confirmation that he could get one for £5k. The interest rate is terrible and he would need a guarantor and I'm not sure who he would have got to be his guarantor. I just chucked it in the bin. He's been saying that he wants to get away to go on holiday which surprised me since he still owes me £2k. Now I understand how he's planning it.

I'm scanning in old photos and have got to my university days and all the photos of my first serious boyfriend. I keep wondering how my life would have been if I'd stayed with him--not a v productive line of fantasising.

I know that I need to detach and GAL. I'm not bad on the GAL side of things but I'm very up and down on the detachment. I can start obsessing about his lying. I actually asked him something the other day that I knew the answer to (did he owe anyone any money) and told him I really, really wanted to know the truth. He said he didn't have any debts and repeated it several times. I know for a fact that he does but didn't say as I knew from snooping in his study.

I've said that I don't trust him because he's lied about too many things over the last few years, big and small. He's hugged me and said that that really isn't what he wants... I keep thinking that I've married a weak man. I feel embarrassed vis-a-vis my friends and family. Looking around, I think they're all in stronger/better marriages.

Our finances should be separate before too long. He's still in the process of transferring his mother's house into my name and whatever income I can generate from that will be his contribution to joint expenses. At least, I'll know what to expect.

His earnings will then cover his debts, his personal expenses and pay for treats and mishaps. He's paid for D16's trip right now. I know he'll keep spending on the children, especially trips and holidays. He does lots of unpaid work in the field of autism and is on several boards. I think it's all in a good cause and makes him feel appreciated but he actually doesn't earn very much.

I'm sorry not to be more upbeat. I'm still convinced that DBing is the way to go. I'd love to get to the point where I'm enjoying life regardless of H's shenanigans. I still get stuck trying to get him to follow through on his promises--even the ones that don't affect me directly such as exercising.