Olivia Cruise! LOL!!!... I've been on one... my honeymoon in 2004. lol!!! Not ready for that memory lane yet!
My W flew in yesterday. My older sis and I picked her up at the airport and the 3 of us went to one of my W's favorite restaurants and my sis treated us both to dinner for my W's belated birthday. It was good. A little awkward at first. My sis was good at recovering any silence at the table that may have happened once or twice. I wasn't sure if my W was just nervous to see my big sis for the first time since my sitch began or what... but I was "As If" for the whole evening. As it progressed it got easier but was never really hard anyway.
In the car on the was home we talked about Mom. She's been in the hospital. W said to me "Your mom hates me." I responded, "No she doesn't. She'll get over it." and left it at that. ????? wonder what that was about ????
I was really tired. After we got home I went to bed earlier than the two of them. My W came in and kissed me goodnight. Later when she came to bed she woke me to hug and kiss me again. I don't know. Something about both displays of affection felt like duty maybe? I could just be sensitive.
I noticed about myself that when W is away and we communicate I feel more confident. When we are in person I feel more insecure. Something my detachment is lacking. I thinks its centered around my LL. Physical touch. Obviously that is not what it used to be. But it really does affect me. It's hard because it's also how I express love. I have to reel it in so I am not clingy and re-adjust to her need of Act of Service but the problem remains that I am not getting my needs met.
Which brings me to something I had running around in my head last night. Have I outgrown her? There were a couple of times in coversation that I just looked at her at thought, hmmm? She and my sis bonded over razzing on me a couple of times. My feelings started to get hurt but then I realized it for what it was, the two of them connecting and was able to release the hurt. But what I noticed was that my W has not changed in some respects... at all. There are some things that I don't like. Her nature to generalize that I am "always" a certain way or "always make a certain mistake". Her instistance on holding grudges. Not just with me but with others as well (like her friends right now. She only see's she is right and doesn't try to look at her own accountabilities in those relationships) I don't know. I just feel so different than who I used to be.
But does all this concern come from fear and hurt? Am I being defensive and using it to say... oh, your not giving me what I need but it doesn't matter because I am growing and you are not? When what I really want is for her to get on board and join me in seeking and reflecting? Am I looking for fault and journaling on it now because of my fear that she will leave this week and I will have to move forward alone.
It's all so confusing. What is my truth?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
