Bea is absolutely right GM. Something to ponder for sure.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Bea, thank you so much for your openness and for sharing the feelings you still have for your xh. It seems you honored yourself by remaining true to your feelings and not allowing your xh's actions to change you in any way (other than personal growth). I understand the need for distance from someone who has hurt your terribly, but I can tell that you still have love and compassion in your heart.
I have spent a lot of time pondering how I could still have any positive feelings for a person who is terribly flawed and has abandoned his family. The pain he inflicted has been unreal yet I know that I forgive him. I can look at pictures of him and I'm not angry. The good memories trump the bad.
It's very hard to deal with the current person that xh is. He seems void of all feeling. He's shows no vitality. He looks old and tired. His brain must be swirling with all of the stories and lies that he's told, including those about me.
With all of the information that I've gathered I now understand why xh avoided me and won't look at me when we meet. He's full of shame. I used to think it was because of the disgust he had for me and I couldn't understand it.
This evening I am meeting with a therapist for the boys. Telling this story is exhausting. This is the last time I want to tell it.
I'm feeling really anxious today. Anticipating the meeting on Friday is weighing on me. I want to believe that a good outcome can be achieved. Xh is after what he can get without concern for me or the boys, so our approach is completely different. I just want us both to have our needs met so we can land on our feet and move forward. I need to keep that in mind and not waver from that approach. It's going to be very difficult.
I met with the therapist and think he is a wonderful fit for the boys. I have real hope for the first time in a long time that the boys can and will heal from this. Doug will be required to find his own therapist and start dealing with his issues. My prayer is that, in time, we will find a new way to be a family. We don't need to live together to be supportive, kind and loving. No expectations, just a belief that it's possible.
I hope you find peace soon and that you can find a way to "get through" to your H. I wish mine was required to find a therapist. You would think the law would force couples to attend some sort of counseling or therapy before granting a divorce. But of course I am old fashioned.
Hang in there... WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I agree that mandatory counseling should be required, especially when children are involved. I would also like to see the waiting period extended. Divorce reform is badly needed.
Definitely. I think "no fault" divorce should be an option. And both parties should have to file jointly in order to qualify for a "no fault" divorce. You have to take classes to get married, but not to get a divorce?
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
What I really like about the therapist is his approach toward healing and becoming whole. He believes in incorporating spirituality and nature and that's something the boys will be able to relate to since that's something we talk a lot about. He also has a love of sports and the fitness and metaphors for life that they provide. I found him to be warm, direct, wise and compassionate. We spoke about addiction and the effects on a family. He also understood xh's childhood issues and how they may have triggered his current crisis. I believe he will be a great advocate for the boys. I also believe he can help them heal from the abandonment and shame that they are carrying. I left his office feeling light and hopeful.
I am feeling terribly anxious this morning. I can't hold on much longer without a settlement. I need control of my life.
Now that I've unblocked communication with xh he's bombarding me with emails re issues that need to be handled at our meeting. One of the emails was also sent to my attorney, so here we go again. It might seem like no big deal, but for me it stirs up all the trauma he's inflicted. I was doing better and now I can't sleep, I feel anxious and am crying. I need to get away from him.
